I'm the Girl..

I’ve said it before. I’ll say it again. I’m the girl. The one you claim to love, claim to need. The one you say you see a future with . The one who gets you like no other. The one who loves you like no other one ever has or ever will. The one who makes you laugh and think. The one who challenges everything you thought you knew. Yeah, I’m her. That girl. 

The woman who introduces you to really dope music and art. Artists and literature. The one who can debate politics and pole tricks with the same intensity and facts. The one who looks innocent but is really freaky as fuck. Classy but a little bit hood. A proper speaking ebonically correct woman. The girl who always has your back and defends you fiercely. The same girl who loved you with her whole entire heart. I’m her. The good and the bad, the happy and the sad. Sunshine mixed with a little hurricane. Smart with a slick mouth. Complex. 

And, still, it wasn’t enough to make you stay. And, that one true statement will haunt the girl for years. It will mess with her spirit and her heart daily. Mostly nightly. Wondering why. Until the girl has an epiphany. You weren’t the one. You could not have been her happily ever after because you left. So, of course it wouldn’t work. The girl finally gets it. You couldn’t be the one because you never were. The girl smiles no longer heartbroken or sad. She gets it. She is me. I am her. 

And It Came To Me Like An Epiphany

An epiphany is an experience of sudden and striking realization. Last night, I had a moment. It was what I call a lightbulb moment. I had an epiphany. I cried for a while. I realized something very truthful that I've been fooling myself about. It is amazing the way we deny things to ourselves. I know that it is a defense mechanism. There is nothing I can do about another's actions, words or thoughts. But, I can control how I react to them. I've spent most of this year NOT dealing with a huge issue. I was blindsided by it and I retreated from it. I didn't want to deal because then it would be real. The reality is that situation persists regardless of my actions. I've allowed it to alter me, my thoughts, my words, the way I live my life. That isn't right at all nor is it me. I've allowed this other version of me to exist in this space. The emotional, calm side of me. Which, quite frankly, is bullshit. I need to acknowledge my feelings. I am incredibly angry about it and ridiculously sad. And, those are two emotions that do not need to exist in one person at the same time. It's exhausting because I am fighting myself for reasons unknown. I am over it. 

I try to protect myself from the world. I do a very good job at it. I know that no one else will do it for me. I've learned the hard way that the only person I can truly depend on 24/7 is myself. That's not harsh or sad, it's just reality. I am the only one always looking out for my best interests. And, that is more than ok. I had to go through the breakup of relationships and the fracturing of friendships to learn it. I needed to experience the bad to know the good when I have it. 2013 has not been a good year thus far. That's my reality. The only thing I want is for it not to end the same way. I have to find the right avenue for me to pursue. I was truly enlightened about my life, who I am and who I need to become. I do not know exactly what I am doing noe or where I am going. But, I know that I cannot continue to be this version of myself. That is over. This epiphany was deep. I literally laid in bed for hours weeping (also, didn't help that I was listening to Yeezus). I know that I do not know where I am headed but I am excited to get there.