So, I am up wrestling with insomnia. Again. Which is the norm these days. Browsing Tumblr and I read something that literally makes my heart stop. The above poem did it. I could not breathe. Thise few words had a deep impact on me. My father is a topic I've explored before here and here. I've also thought of myself as a woman who wasn't that deeply affected by my Father's absence in my life. He was never truly absent in the fact that I always knew where he was and how to contact him. He just wasn't a constant daily figure in my life. I never wondered who my Father was. My parents married before I was born. I carry his last name. He just was not a hands on Father. He never came to my school plays or saw me perform with the Pep Squad or any of the debates for the Speech and Debate Club. He probably could only name one of my ex boyfriends. He didn't know that I hated pink as a teen. The little things that my Mom could rattle off in her sleep, he did not know.
But, it is quite possible that his presence would have been as damaging as his absence. Either way, I was slighted. His absence may be the reason that I'm not married or that I don't have my own family. His spotty presence and often absence affects me to this day. I am guarded in ways I shouldn't be. In the back of my mind, I am always afraid that if I let someone get close to me that they will leave. This is a middle of the night, self actualization moment. My Father decided to be a visitor in my life. I have had to work out some issues because of it. I wish I could've had one last heart to heart with him. Just so he could know how much little girls need their Dads. I became tough because of it. I used my sarcastic wit and intelligence as a shield to hide from the absence of him. I know that I've grown since then. Even now, I feel the remnants of who I used to be. She still has an affect on who I'm becoming. In closing, I'd just like to say that fathers matter. Their presence or absence will always cast a wide shadow. This is just food for thought.
There are things about myself that are unchangeable. My Father being a revolving door character in my life is one. They say that a girls first love is her father. In my life, this was so true. I was such a Daddys girl. He was the light of my life. I was his twin. A little chocolate colored version of Kenneth. I never knew how far away from those feelings I would get.
My parents married young at 19 & 20 years old. In hindsight, my Father was not ready for the family he had. By the time my brother Kendrick was born (almost 6 years after me), the marriage was irretrievably broken. They had failed at marriage. My Mom moved forward. My Father would become, for the next 12 years, an elusive figure in my life. He was never really around for any of scholarly accomplishments. He did not contribute financially or emotionally. My Mom worked 2 & 3 jobs to provide for my brother & I. I became disillusioned with my Father. The love fest was over. I did not understand how he could feel good living his life when his kids were struggling. He always seemed so nonchalant about it all.
His Houdini-like acts always left me angry and emotional. By the time I got to high school, my relationship with him was laughable. I challenged him at every given chance. I loved him but had no respect for him. I just didn't understand how he could claim to love us but not do anything to help us survive. He was not the man I once believed him to be. That saddened me on so many levels. In between all of this, I called myself falling in love. I did not have a clue as to what that was or about. I thank my Father to my distorted views.
The bottom line was that I needed him and he wasn't available. He didn't school me on boys or life or love. But I learned major lessons by watching his actions. I was broken then and didn't know it. His thoughtless action caused deep seeded consequences. I'm old enough to recognize it now. I took his nonchalantness as callous and careless. He simply did not care. How could he not care about his firstborn, his daughter? I did not comprehend that.
My Father not being in my house growing up affected me negatively. His not being a constant presence in my life made me feel less than. It took me a long time to admit any of this. I think that I am a better woman for recognizing the problem. I'm not searching for a Father figure in a man. I was blessed with a few great Father-like men in my life. My Father, who came from his own dysfunctional family, did the best he could. I do not hold it against him anymore. I'm not angry at him. I just know how differently if must do things for my kids to break the cycle. Father's are a huge part of a child's life. They are needed in the house and in their life. All children deserve that.
For the last month or so, I have been trying to get this blog down. Since I could not figure which way to go with it, I decided to scrap it. This took a lot out of me to write this. The topic was about the lack of fathers in families and/or single parent homes. Most of the people I know either grew up with their father in and out of their lives or with their dad never being involved. It's also as if that has become the new norm. I don't like that stigma. The lack of my father not being a prominent figure in my life has definitely shaped me and my outlook.
Because of my upbringing in a single parent home with a father who was more out than in my life, I'm sure that has influenced many of my decisions. I never had a positive look on marriage, parenthood and more importantly, single parenthood. My Mom did a great job raising my brother and I. but, I watched her work two and three jobs and sacrifice it all for us. I know she doesn't regret it because we are her greatest accomplishment. I hated that we had to struggle and that my father did not seem to care enough to provide for us. As much as I loved him, I hated him for that. So I decided as a teen that I was never getting married or having kids. I was deathly afraid of having to raise a child by myself.
The more I played around with topic, the more I realized something about myself. I stayed in my last relationship because I was afraid to be alone. The relationship was dysfunctional. I took his shit because I did not know how to function without him. Strangely enough, he was eerily like my Dad. We were both young and broken. Both grew up with no Fathers in our life. It was puppy love that never grew up. We were playing at an adult love. In hindsight, I see that I held on to the idea of the boy I once knew. I was too blinded to see that the boy I once loved did not reside inside this man who I was with on and off. When I finally had a light bulb moment, I got it. I truly got it. I walked away without looking back. It was over. I was free from it.
But, this is where the real work started. I had to find my way out of that dark place. I believed that I wasn't lovable. That there had to be something wrong with me. I was not in a good place. I had to deal with the fact that I had to fix some things. My childish out look on love for one. And, my issue with needing security in the form of a man. Otherwise known as Daddy issues. I was that woman. So, I wrote a lot. I prayed, I read the Bible. I got back to me. I did not call, text or email my ex. I had no reason to. He was finally out of my system and out of my life. It's crazy how clear things become when you are not in them anymore.
I hope that my Dad is proud of me. That he is happy with the woman I am. He is no longer here, I am no longer angry at him. I'm just his daughter. I finally realized that I deserve love. But, he was only going to come when it was time. I swear that God has an intense sense of humor and timing. I always wondered if the lack of my Father not being in my life would help or harm me. I have come to the conclusion that it was a little bit of both. I do know that I will do everything in my power to make sure my future kids get the American dream. A happy, functioning household with two parents who are married and who love each other. That's my biggest dream. If I don't do anything else, that is the one goal I am determined to reach and conquer.
