This Reader's Review: Part XIV: "A Deeper Love Inside: The Porsche Santiaga Story"

Sister Souljah is the author who wrote one of the books I cherished as a young woman. I read "The Coldest Winter Ever"as a teenager. It was one of the main books that shaped my world. I've been a fan of those characters for decades now. It took many, many years for Sister Souljah to write any kind of sequel. Then, a few years ago, she gave us not one but two books about one of the most interesting characters in TCWE. Midnight was that character. Both books, which I loved, gave me an detailed insight on his story. I was happy to have it. Sister Souljah created characters who were so unlike me and my world but I still identified with them. She showed me a world that was real to so many people. I was a fan then, I'm still a fan now. All three of her books were interesting to me. 

I was not expecting to get anymore from the author about the characters from TCWE. But, Souljah gave her fans another gift in the form of "A Deeper Love Inside: The Porshce Santiaga Story." Porsche is the sister of Winter, middle daughter of Ricky and Lana Santiaga. She was the mostly quiet, observant daughter in TCWE. This book tells the story of what happens to her after the fall of her Dad. Porsche is pulled from her fantasy turned reality life. She is no longer the pampered princess. Her life becomes hard and rugged. From foster homes to juvenile detention centers, Porsche has to fight every step of the way. She was hard because of the curve balls thrown at her but still soft underneath it. That's what makes her such a relatable character. For most of the book, she is a little girl playing grown woman. But, while doing that, she becomes that woman. 

It is a very interesting read. It begins really slow to me. Souljah also has a habit of being verbose. She displayed this in both Midnight books. I kept reading the book because I was already invested in the characters. The ending was worth it. There is even an appearance of three main characters from TCWE. Those made me very happy. I loved catching up with the characters that I feel in love with as a teenager. It felt familiar in a way. I love that. Porsche turned out to be totally different than I thought she would be. She is a character that I wanted to win. Her life was full of so many twists and turns. None of them expected but all of them needed to make her who she would become. If you are a fan of "The Coldest Winter Ever" or "Midnight," then "A Deeper Love Inside" is the book for you. It brings closure to a story that has been around for decades. Sister Souljah did an incredible job of coming full circle with the characters she created. 

The Father Files: Part III "Presence & Absence"

So, I am up wrestling with insomnia. Again. Which is the norm these days. Browsing Tumblr and I read something that literally makes my heart stop. The above poem did it. I could not breathe. Thise few words had a deep impact on me. My father is a topic I've explored before here and here. I've also thought of myself as a woman who wasn't that deeply affected by my Father's absence in my life. He was never truly absent in the fact that I always knew where he was and how to contact him. He just wasn't a constant daily figure in my life. I never wondered who my Father was. My parents married before I was born. I carry his last name. He just was not a hands on Father. He never came to my school plays or saw me perform with the Pep Squad or any of the debates for the Speech and Debate Club. He probably could only name one of my ex boyfriends. He didn't know that I hated pink as a teen. The little things that my Mom could rattle off in her sleep, he did not know.

But, it is quite possible that his presence would have been as damaging as his absence. Either way, I was slighted. His absence may be the reason that I'm not married or that I don't have my own family. His spotty presence and often absence affects me to this day. I am guarded in ways I shouldn't be. In the back of my mind, I am always afraid that if I let someone get close to me that they will leave. This is a middle of the night, self actualization moment. My Father decided to be a visitor in my life. I have had to work out some issues because of it. I wish I could've had one last heart to heart with him. Just so he could know how much little girls need their Dads. I became tough because of it. I used my sarcastic wit and intelligence as a shield to hide from the absence of him. I know that I've grown since then. Even now, I feel the remnants of who I used to be. She still has an affect on who I'm becoming. In closing, I'd just like to say that fathers matter. Their presence or absence will always cast a wide shadow. This is just food for thought.

My Life is a "Sex & the City" Episode

My life, in parts, can almost always be summed up in "Sex & the City" quotes. The most ridiculous, insane, amazing, wonderful moments of my life are stored away in my head. And I always associate them with SATC moments. I have blogged before about my connection with ths show here and here. I tweeted something today that sparked this blog. It's crazy how a show can stay with you. I've been a fan since the first episode. Years later, I can still relate to the characters. Those four women, so unlike me, still feel familiar to me. Me, a little black girl from New Orleans, who has never been to NYC or owned a Birkin bag. I related to those four women.



Granted I haven't had the relationship track record they had or even the life moments. But there was something about them that spoke to a particular place in my life. Today, I just thought about some of my favorite quote from the show. I also remembered how they have been relevant to my life at different times. I felt like sharing a few of them here. If you're a SATC fan, then in sure you'll recognize them. Reminisce with me for a while. I'm going to watch the last season of SATC.

Ladies Love Lyrics: Trey Songz "Fumble"

This Ladies Love Lyrics pick was spontaneous. I was writing a poem earlier. This song came on Songza. I am a Trey Songz' fan. This song just touched me. The lyrics are real. Love is serious. Being the reason someone has a broken heart is awful. Having a broken heart is even worse. This song talks about a man not being careful with a woman's heart, being careless with love. Songz songs about fumbling that woman's heart. I, unfortunately, know exactly how having your heart fumbled feels. I listened to it about 6 times in a row. I just like it. I'm sure you will as well.


"We were so dumb in love
Couldn't get enough, no
But I could've loved you so much better
And I can't believe you never walked out
And it's not your fault

Chorus:
That I fumbled your heart
Should've let go of my past for you
You did everything I asked of you
Drived across the country if I asked you to
But I'm just bad for you
I fumbled your heart
I'm bad news, yeah I'm just bad for you
I'm bad news, I fumbled your heart
Girl you used to feel so bound in my arms
I wish we could touch some more
I'm sitting, working on this letter
The first line I write, I was wrong
So wrong, so wrong, so wrong, so wrong
And it's not your fault
So wrong, so wrong, so wrong..."

Trayvon Martin, A Year After His Murder

There is a name I'm sure none of us will ever forget. That name is Trayvon Martin. It's been a year since he was murdered in cold blood by George Zimmerman. A year since Sybrina Fulton & Tracy Martin lost their barely 17 year old son. A year since Jahvaris Fulton lost his brother. Trayvon missed his 18th birthday, his high school graduation, Thanksgiving and Christmas. And for what? There is no reason that he isn't here. Other than the fact a trigger happy, racist, wannabe cop decided that his life wasn't worth anything. There have been marches for justice and photos of people in hoodies to show support. I have been keeping up with this story because I'm concerned.

I'm still pissed about the way this case was fumbled in the beginning. Zimmerman was a free man for far too long. The "Stand Your Ground" trial is set for April. If the SYG law is upheld, Zimmerman will walk away. The trial for second degree murder is set for June. This murder matters to me for so many reasons. I lost my Father, my favorite Uncle and cousin Larry to gun violence. It took years to get justice for 2 of the 3 of them. My Father's murderer is still free.



Death is hard to handle. Murder is a whole other monster. Murder snatches life away. Usually for no reason and with no warning. Murder fractures families. Unsolved murders leave a pain behind that nothing can console. I know because I've lived it. The Fulton's and the Martin's are living through it. One year later, we still remember Trayvon. I'm still praying for justice. We'll never forget him.

Ladies Love Lyrics: Solange "Losing You"

This song had been on a constant loop. I've been a Solange fan since she dropped "Sol-Angel." Her latest EP "True" has become an instant favorite. "Losing You" hot a chord deep within me. I love that it doesn't sound like anything else out right now. I just really enjoy everything about it. I think you will too. Get into it.

"I know you're waiting for the rest that you can get from me
Just treat me good and
baby I'll give you the rest of me
I'm not the one that you should be making your enemy
I'm not the one that you should be making your enemy

Tell me the truth boy,
am I losing you for good
We use to kiss all night
but now there's just no use
I don’t know why I fight it,
clearly we are through
Tell me the truth boy,
am I losing you for good

There's nothing more I know
you're taking it away from me
I gave you everything and
now there's nothing left of me
I'm not the one that you should be making your enemy
I'm not the one that you should be making your enemy..."

Reward Me With Loyalty

Loyalty means so much to me. It's a quality I hold in high regard. If you aren't loyal, you aren't shit. I can't trust you. I can't rock with you. As a matter of fact, I don't want you around me. I am uber conscious of who I let into my inner circle. Loyalty, to me, involves trust respect and love. So, if you can't be loyal to me, you must not love, respect or trust me. Why would I want you in my life? I wouldn't. Nor would I allow you to stay. I can't. You can't be trusted. And without trust, we have nothing.



This does not stop at just friends. This goes for family too. Just because you share blood & lineage with a person does not mean they have your best interest at heart. The sad thing is that the most disloyal people are probably at the family reunion with you. Cousin, sister, brother, aunt. They are all suspect. If they've shown their true colors already, then you already know. But some are sneaky and can fly under the radar. And, either way, I am not here for. Keep your disloyal, unethical, non moralistic ass far away from me. That may be mean but the most important person to me is me. I am looking out for my best interest. I am loyal to a fault. It's a character flaw. But, it's who I am.



Disloyal people will get you caught up. Why? Because they can, because they are all about self. And, most importantly they don't care about you. Life is too short to surround yourself with disloyal folks. If you know like I know, you'll get them squares out of your circle. They are snakes. Cut the grass. Their heads will show. I don't ask a lot from people. Loyalty is a must if you want to be a part of my life. It's not that hard. Just be 100 with me because I'll be 100 with you. Brook and the city coined the phrase "Loyalty is vintage" and she is so right. No truer words. Loyalty is everything. You should get into it.

Concert Connoisseur

It's no secret that music is my thing. I LOVE it. The one thing I love more than music is LIVE music. Concerts are the absolute best thing. I have been to more concerts than I can count. Starting with my first when I was 9. From that moment on, I've been hooked. The really great thing about living in New Orleans is that there is always a concert happening here. I was just thinking about my concert experiences and decided to share. Here are my top eight lifetime concerts.



08) Alicia Keys/Ne-yo - This was a few years ago. I think it was in 2009. Both put on great shows. AKeys played the piano and sang like an angel. Ne-yo was amazing. He was my favorite part of the night. It was my first time seeing him, second time seeing her. Both made me happy.

07) Hot Boyz - The year was 1998. Cash Money was just about to blow up. We got to see them in concert at a club for $5. I was a huge fan. My friends and I sat on the speakers on the side of the stage. We had great seats. The concert was so energetic. They did all my faves. B.G. sat next to me and rapped "Living Legend" which at the time was my favorite B.G. song. Turk and Wayne clowned with us all night. Juvie had us singing back up for him. It was just a fun concert.

06)Patti LaBelle/Maze featuring Frankie Beverly @ Essence Music Festival - Two classic acts that know how to give a show. It was after 2 before it was over. But, no one was sitting down or aware of the time. They had the Dome rocking for hours. I sang every song that night. We had the best time.



05)Lyfe Jennings @ the HOB - One of the realest, rawest performances ever. When his first cd was released, I was his biggest fan. I played his debut out. I was so excited to go to this concert. It was everything I knew it would be. Also, even better, I got to meet him afterwards. He was so cool. He signed autographs and took pictures.

04) Lauryn Hill @ Essence Music Festival - This was right after "The Miseducation" dropped and she couldn't have been hotter. Lauryn was freaking amazing. She sang all of her tracks, some Fugee tracks and did some covers. She also played some classic N.O. tracks. She had a DJ battle. She had the entire Dome up on their feet. She was so good. That's why it saddens me to hear all the talk about her performances now. She doesn't sound the same.

03) Jill Scott/Trey Songz/Kanye West @ Essence Music Festival - Every last one of them gave a great performance. This night was perfect. Trey started it off. It was my first time seeing him. He was awesome. Jill is perfection. Every time I see her, she just makes me so happy. And, then there was Ye. I hadn't seen him in concert since 2004. His stage show is worlds better now. He gave the best performance of the night.



02)Jay-Z and Kanye West's "Watch The Throne" Tour - There are not enough words for me to describe how amazing this show was. Of course, these two rappers put on a hell of a performance. The stage was great as was the light show. I loved every minute of it. It was my second time seeing Ye that year. I've seen both rappers about 4/5 a piece. It always gets better.

01) New Edition - First concert and actually the last concert I've attended. They were amazing then and still are now. They are still my favorite group. They still sound amazing. As long as they are touring, I am attending. They are still just that great. I will never forget that first concert. I played their music constantly. "Candy Girl" is still one of my favorite albums. Every track. The group is 30 years old. I have truly grown up with them. Their music is timeless. Their voices are effortless. They made me love music and concerts the way that I do.

I haven't attended a concert in almost a year (!) Yes, I am as shocked as you are. I am sure I will be at Essence this year because Beyonce' is performing. I haven't seen her by herself ever. And, I need to rectify that. Jay-Z and Justin Timberlake are going on tour too. They aren't coming here but I would travel for that one. There is just something about live music. Nothing can touch it. It is a wonderful event that every one should experience once in their lifetime. Get into music concerts people. It's worth it.

Around These E-Streets (IV)

I am a voracious reader. Whether it is books, magazines or online, I am almost always reading something. I wanted to share so interesting things I ran across this last week or some on the web. Hope you guys enjoy it.

° Is There A "Right" Age To Have Children? Clearly, I should not have read this article. It talks about how Black people should wait until they are between 30-35 to have kids. Just great, I'm already halfway through those ages. Anyway, good read.

° The "natural hair movement" is a hot button issue in the Black community. This article takes a deeper look into things. It was a very interesting read. I find that White people are more intrigued about my hair inits natural state than anyone else.

° I, for one, have not forgotten about Trayvon Martin. I am keeping up with the case. I just read this article that states that his parents are planning a civil suit against Zimmerman, the man who murdered their child. The trial isn't coming fast enough for me. I want justice for Trayvon and his parents.

° Also, the Jordan Davis case has my attention as well. This article focuses on the parents of Davis on what would have been his 18th birthday. Less than 3 months ago, Davis was killed for no reason by a white man. This is another trial that I will be watching.

° Necole Bitchie runs a very successful entertainment blog. This article talks about her journey. I loved the insight on her.

° Just so you guys know, this could not have been me. An old, clearly drunk White man called a toddler a n---er and slapped the kid in the face on a flight. You can read about it here. I would have blacked out on this man. How do you slap a kid in the face and think that it is ok? What is wrong with people??

I've Decided...

^^^^ This gif is my new personal mantra. Being sad sucks. It solves nothing, changes nothing. My situation is still the same. No amount of tears or stressing or being sad will change any of it. Being sad is time consuming, life consuming. It has taken over every aspect of my personality, of my life, and my body. And, I am so tired. Tired of feeling this sadness, tired of carrying this heaviness around daily in my heart. I have decided that I can't bear this weight any longer. It's suffocating me. I've been drowning in my own sea of sadness. And, then I finally had a light bulb moment. I am my own savior from this. No one else can save me from these feelings. So, I became my own life boat.



I am thankful for the site Penzu. It is an online journal site. It has saved me. I've written so much there. It has given me a place to get out all of my sadness, anger, questions, concerns, thoughts and ramblings. I have never been the woman who shared everything. I solve my own problems. I'm the one everyone comes to for advice. So, now that I am in a position where I really need to talk, I don't feel like there is anyone I can talk to. So, I vent online under a very securely protected account. It's my solace through this. I was writing multiply times a day on Penzu. Now, I am down to just once a day. I give myself one moment to feel all the sadness my heart holds, to think all the thoughts and get them all out in one sitting. During the day, I have found ways to get out of my own head. The nights are still torture, still the hardest part of my day. Writing helps this writer. Also, so does my Tumblr page. I deleted my old one but I'm back on it. I post songs, quotes and photos that express whatever is on my mind. That may not be a good thing, but I do it anyway.



It's strange how one moment can make you question everything. That's what I've been dealing with. The "what ifs" and the "how comes." They run rampant in my head. And, they keep me up all hours of the night. I haven't really figured out how to prevent this. I've tried ZZZquil and sometimes it works. Meditation does not because I can't clear my mind to do it. But, I am working through it. But, I feel like I am on the mend. I do not know how long it will be before I am back to myself. I am holding on to that hope. I am still sad. I am just not allowing myself to wallow in it. I have been doing that for almost a month now. No good has come of it. Actually, I've made myself feel worse. So, I'm done with that. I'm over that phase. I have to be. There is no other choice to be made.

Just Because I Felt Like It: Beyonce'

It's no secret that I am a Beyonce' fan. So, last night I was in fan heaven watching her two specials. First was her one-on-one with Oprah. It was followed by her HBO documentary "Life Is But A Dream." Both were really good. If you missed them, you can catch them both below. Also HBO Zone is playing her doc for the rest of the day. And, OWN is re-airing her special tonight at 7pm. It's all Beyonce' all the time. Get into her, her words, her music and her family. Enjoy.

Anti-Valentine's Day: Out of Control

This gif accurately describes my life. I am def on an emotional rollercoaster. Extreme highs and the lowest of lows. I do not like when things in my life are out of control. That is when I am the most unlike myself. I feel frazzled. I like to be in control. Like things to go a certain way. Emotions are not like that. They aren't easily controlled. And, once something gets your emotions out of whack, there is nothing you can do. That is where I am. And, I'm truly not happy about it. It's not true to who I am in general. It is, however, true to what I am feeling. I am emotional more than I care to truly admit. It is seeping out of my pores every time I walk into a room. And, falling freely from my eyes and mouth as soon as I say a word. It is not the representation I want the world to see. But, I'm too tired to fight it. I'm too hurt to try to fake it for anyone. I am hurting. The world will deal. Also, screw Valentine's Day. I cannot deal with that today. 

 

People always say that women are so emotional. I have tried my best to not show many that side of me. I am passionate about many things. But, that really emotional side of myself is reserved for a select few. And, even then, I try to keep it under wraps. I just don't like to react or cry in private. I don't really like that my usual tactics aren't working. Or that my emotions are slipping through. I know it's a process that I have to go through. That doesn't mean I have to like it or even appreciate it. I am looking forward to the total numbness. I don't want to feel anything. That would make me feel better. Yes, I know that won't give me closure nor will it mean that I'm over it, but at least then I could deal. I could sorta return to my normal self. That is what I miss: normality. I have lost sight of that version of me. This overly emotional version has got to go. She is bringing me down. Well, farther than I already am. I need a reprieve, por favor.

'

Well...

It's time for a break. Seriously. I can't sleep again. This is a habit I'd surely love to shake. Lately, everything has become too...much, too heavy. In an effort to try to hold everything together, it seems that it's all falling apart. And, I can't stop it. My mind and body are both so tired of trying. I've tried to write my way through it. I've failed. So, I'm going to do the one thing I know will work. I'm just going to stop. Stop everything that I can at this moment that has been stressing me out and weighing me down. And, that means no writing/blogging. That is my immediate plan. I do not know how long this break will last or when I'll be back. But, for those of you who have frequented this blog, THANK YOU!!! Your presence here has made me smile more than you could ever know. Life has a way of throwing curve balls that you just can't foresee. While I deal with all of that, I don't want to write crap. I just won't do it. For that main reason, I bid you adieu for now. :-)

My Random February Thoughts

° I am in a deprived state. Deprived of sleep, an appetite and the ability to function like a normal woman. I am not myself.

° Solange's "Some Things Never Seem To Fucking Work" = my new fave.

° I have books to read, books to write, things to do. I can't do any of them because the tears won't stop falling out of my eyes. I no longer have control over them. I'm not happy about any of this.

° I've discovered Penzu.com. It's an online journal. It's slowly saving my life. I'm drowning in a sea of emotions. I needed some place to vent.

° I missed a Jay-Z concert on purpose. I'm literally sick over this. I really need to get it together. I've become one of those women. I hate those women.

° My hair is driving me insane. I'm contemplating cutting it all off. Or getting a full sew in. M

° I blogged something the other day & deleted it. That's not something I do. But, the post was really sad. I was open, and raw and laid my soul bare for the world. I clearly was not ready. So I made it disappear.