#31WriteNow: My Poetry Corner XIII "Written On My Skin"

I've been fighting writing this for months. But, pieces of this poem kept coming to me. Last night, it demanded to be written so I obliged. I've tried to not write about what I'm feeling and going through and failed. I'm not an abstract writer. I have to write what's on my heart. Unfortunately, the only tune in my heart is one about heartbreak and love shit. So, this is what happens when I follow my heart. Hope this piece moves you like it does me. 

I hid inside my words so they wouldn’t see the hurt
I wrote so that my pain wouldn’t touch anyone else 
I wanted to write the sadness away
All I did was expose my soul 
I’m naked on that page, on this blog 
My head hangs low so I don’t have to meet his eyes 
I know he’s watching me from afar
Reading the words scribbled on my milk chocolate skin 

Every inch of my body is a diary entry to him
Every word, each thought came from knowing and loving him
The love, the pain, all the happiness and eventual sadness  

I recorded it all in my heart 
It pumped through my veins
Everything I wrote was for him
Even when I tried not to, especially when I tried not to  

Water can’t wash him off of me 
I’ve tried to scrub the words away
Love doesn’t come off so easily
I stand here covered in these words
no longer ashamed 
Because I took a chance 
I loved him fiercely
and with my whole heart and it didn’t last
So I’ll write about that until it doesn’t hurt anymore

Anti-Valentine's Day: Out of Control

This gif accurately describes my life. I am def on an emotional rollercoaster. Extreme highs and the lowest of lows. I do not like when things in my life are out of control. That is when I am the most unlike myself. I feel frazzled. I like to be in control. Like things to go a certain way. Emotions are not like that. They aren't easily controlled. And, once something gets your emotions out of whack, there is nothing you can do. That is where I am. And, I'm truly not happy about it. It's not true to who I am in general. It is, however, true to what I am feeling. I am emotional more than I care to truly admit. It is seeping out of my pores every time I walk into a room. And, falling freely from my eyes and mouth as soon as I say a word. It is not the representation I want the world to see. But, I'm too tired to fight it. I'm too hurt to try to fake it for anyone. I am hurting. The world will deal. Also, screw Valentine's Day. I cannot deal with that today. 

 

People always say that women are so emotional. I have tried my best to not show many that side of me. I am passionate about many things. But, that really emotional side of myself is reserved for a select few. And, even then, I try to keep it under wraps. I just don't like to react or cry in private. I don't really like that my usual tactics aren't working. Or that my emotions are slipping through. I know it's a process that I have to go through. That doesn't mean I have to like it or even appreciate it. I am looking forward to the total numbness. I don't want to feel anything. That would make me feel better. Yes, I know that won't give me closure nor will it mean that I'm over it, but at least then I could deal. I could sorta return to my normal self. That is what I miss: normality. I have lost sight of that version of me. This overly emotional version has got to go. She is bringing me down. Well, farther than I already am. I need a reprieve, por favor.

'

The Picture With A Message

I saw this and the message def caught my eye. Let's just call this a lesson learned. In the words of my brother from another MJ, marinate on that...and take it with you when you leave.

Just A Kid At Heart

I'm a huge believer in the old adage that "you're only as old as you feel." And, with that said, I am 31 years young. I think that adults forget that a little kid still lives in their heart. We sometimes forget to enjoy life. We can all just be kids at heart.

There have been times when I will just color or paint just to ease my mind. It reminds me of simpler times from my youth. I miss those carefree days. Back then, I had no clue how easy breezy my life was. I love to play games with my nieces and nephews. That will def keep anyone young. I love to are their faces light up when they win. That image warms my heart.

Take today for instance: we're watching "Happy Feet." Two adults with no children in sight enjoying the hell out of an animated movie. This movie makes me happy. I love the musical aspect of it and the general storyline. I am not ashamed to say that cartoons still make me smile. But, I like old school cartoons like Smurfs, Tom and Jerry, Strawberry Shortcake, and the like. You can keep these new age cartoons. For the most part, they are weird and silly to me.

We should all take the time to enjoy our lives. Life is filled with so much stress and drama. Why not find some simple way to enjoy it? I don't ever want stop laughing at the silly things. There is nothing wrong with that. We tend to take things much too seriously in life. I bet that an afternoon of cartoon watching would help you de-stress. I know it did for me today. Are you just a child at heart? Talk to me.

Ain't No Love in the Heart of the City.

I came across an old story/review of one of the best nights of my life. I decided to share. Enjoy!

"Ain't no love, in the heart of the city..
I said where's the love?
Ain't no love, in the heart of town..
Yeah..

And then the Fugee's gonna break up, now everyday I wake up
Somebody got something to say
What's all the f--king fussing for? Because I'm grubbing more
and I pack heat like I'm the oven door?
Ni--as pray and pray on my downfall
But everytime I hit the ground, I bounce up like roundball
Now I don't wanna have to kill Soundbar
Don't wanna have to cock back the four pound bar
Look scrapper I got nephews to look after
I'm not looking at you dudes, I'm looking past you
I thought I told you characters I'm not a rapper
Can I live? I told you in ninety-six
that I came to take this s--t and I did, handle my biz
I scramble like Randall with his
Cunningham but the only thing running is numbers fam
Jigga held you down six summers; damn, where's the love?"

It was because of verses like this that I was a fan. His truth spoke to my soul. I have been hooked since the day I heard “I’m Feelin It.” I remember being in the back of a black Altima with friends and my boyfriend at the time put this cd on. From the opening chords, I was intrigued. By the chorus, I needed to know this rapper. From that moment, he had me.

I had waited, it seemed, all my life for this one night. For me to be in the same room as he was phenomenal. I was beyond ecstatic. I knew every word to every song on every cd he had released. All of his features, remixes, and mixtape appearances were in my mind too. to say that I am a fan is literally the biggest understatement EVER!! I never, ever bootlegged him. No, not my favorite rapper!! I could never do that to him. I supported this man since day one! Because there is something about him that touches me way down deep in my being. I love his delivery, demeanor, flow, but most of all, his swagger. There is no other rapper who has a swagger any where near the magnitude of his. There is no comparison to any other rappers in my book. He is in my opinion he is true to one of his nicknames: the God MC. He goes by a plethora of names and all of them are befitting of the man. He is HOVA. He is Hov. He is the Jigga Man. He is Shawn Corey Carter. And, most commonly, he is Jay-Z.

The day is April 9, 2008. It happens to be a cool Wednesday evening in New Orleans. The location is the New Orleans Arena. We arrived @ 6:45pm. A few steps from the parking garage at the Superdome to the Arena, and it was official, I was IN THE BUILDING!!! And, according to my guy who is in the know, Jay was in the building as well!!! I seriously had been smiling from the time I woke up until now. The anticipation had been growing ever since I heard that the tour was coming to my city. I already knew that I would never forget tonight.

My girl and I sat and talked. Wasting time until the main event popped off. My cell keeps ringing. And, every time that it would ring, a different Jay song would play. I told you that I am a true fan. "I Know," "Song Cry," "I Made It," "I'd Do Anything," "Hey Papi," "Party Life," "Excuse me (the La,La,La version)," and "Hollywood" just to name a few. I was so ready to see the man hit the stage!!

This would be the concert of a lifetime. And if you are not in the Arena tonight , then it really sucks to be you! Anyone who knows me, knows that I love Jay. From “Reasonable Doubt” to “American Gangster” every album is my favorite!! The Dream performs his 20 minute set. He is good. I really enjoyed his performance of “I Luv Your Girl” because its one of the tracks I listen to often. He then introduces Mary J. Blige once his set is done. The lights drop. The curtains rise. And, there at the top of the stairs, in the center of the stage are Mary and Jay, back to back dressed all in black!! I am instantly out of my seat. They open with a Hip-Hop classic from Jay’s first cd, “Reasonable Doubt”. The intro chords of “Can’t Knock The Hustle” flood my ears as they proceed down the stairs. They would also perform “Song Cry,” “Heart of the City,” and “You All Are Welcome.” Now, granted, Mary’s set was fire, but she was really just lagniappe to me! I was there for one main reason. And his name was Jay-Z.

Mary’s set ended with much applause. Then, it was Shawn Corey's turn. He came out to the chorus of "Say Hello" & it was on. Not saying much, just walked down the stairs, bobbing his head to the beat. “Say hello to the bad guy (hello) they say I’m a bad guy I come from the bottom but now I’m mad fly. They say I’m a menace that’s the picture they paint they say a lot about me let me tell you what I ain’t.” Then he was front and center. In my city, at my Arena, in arms length, Jay stood proudly before me! He is beyond a combination of energetic and laid back cool on stage. He smiles at the crowd. He still seems amazed that we know every bar of every song of his. As a fan, how could I not be well versed in his discography? He clowned with the audience, performed many hits, & even had time for a political shout-out. He was exciting & funny on stage. He performed "I Know" one of my favorite tracks on American Gangster. He performed singles as well as cult classics. The most touching moment, in my honest opinion, was when he did his verse from ''Minority Report" as scenes from "When the Levees Broke" played on the screen. It was like he felt my city's pain.

There aren't enough words for me to explain to you how great it was or how excited I still am. It's something about Jay's flow, delivery, & message that touch me. He makes me think. He makes me stop in my tracks and run the verse back like “Did he say what I think he said?” He personifies music. Some say that his time has passed and I think those people are nuts. He said it best “HOV'S A LIVING LEGEND AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY, EVERYBODY WANNA BE HOV AND HOVS STILL ALIVE!! He is Hip-Hop and there is no one (living) that is greater. I got to experience it firsthand. Wow!! I may not ever go to another concert that is as complete as the one I was at last night & that's just fine!!

“I supposed to be number one on everybody’s list
We'll see what happens when I no longer exist
F--k this (What more can I say?)”

What My Heart Wants

I'm spoiled. I know this & accept it. I want what I want when I want it. Simple as that. There were a few things that I have never voiced that I really wanted until now. I was never comfortable voicing this intense want. Thought it would make me look and seem a certain way. Recently I've shed that feeling.

I grew up completely shunning the idea of marriage and children. I was the older sister and played mom to everyone. So I was not sold on the whole husband, 2.5 kids, dog and white picket fence. That dream was a fallacy that did not exist in my world. I just didn't see none of that for me. I was told on numerous occasions by multiple family members that "I would change my mind when I grew up." The ages of 18 and 21 came and went without any change. I just wasn't that concerned with that life.

Then, a beautiful little girl was born in 2001. She is my God-daughter. I felt this pull in my heart when I first saw her, first held her on my arms. I harbored that feeling deep within myself. I wasn't in the right place or right relationship to become a Mom. So, I buried it. I gave all of that love to my God-kids. Their love, in return, filled me up. I decided I didn't need to be Mommie because Nanna was just as great. That thought sufficed for years.

But, one can only deny their true feelings for so long. This realization came to me the year I turned 30. This intense need to have kids creeped back to the forefront of my heart. The ironic part of this is that I wasn't in a relationship at all this time. I always thought the whole biological clock ticking thing was a myth. I was dead wrong. I try my best not to mention every baby related thought that crosses my mind. I simply cannot wait to have my own brown babies. I'm completely enthralled with that idea. And, furthermore, I want the great marriage too. I guess in that way, I'm more traditional than I believed. I just know that my heart yearns for this life. I know that it's my destiny.

The Map

I saw this picture and the words caused me to gasp. I felt them deep in my soul. The words are so true. I'm a thinker and I worry alot. I want to rationalize my feelings. As if love is a rational feeling. I know that what I'm feeling in my heart is real. I cannot deny that. I'm sure I'm just afraid. Fear is one hell of an emotion. But, I know that love is stronger.

Single...but Taken?!?

"I'm single but my heart is taken....single doesn't mean available." ~ Klodya Daoud

I just read this quotes on Twitter via @iheartquotes. I've never looked at this situation in this manner. But, the quote is absolutely true. Just because you aren't in a relationship doesn't automatically mean that you are available. When you're carrying someone in your heart, can you ever really have room for someone new? And, furthermore, is it even fair to the new person to let them into your life when you know you're not available to allow them in your heart? Love is crazy. And, the heart always wants what the heart wants. There is no denying love. You can try but it never really works out. No matter if the person occupying your heart is an ex, someone you fancy or the one you can't get it right with, it doesn't leave any extra room for another person. I've def "been here & done that." I think we all have. I know I'm not alone in this assessment. Maybe that is why this quote really stood out to me.

Letting Go & Giving In: The Battle of Heart Versus Head

In essence, we are all looking for, seeking, searching for love in some way, shape, or force. It is what we are here for. But, if you've been hurt before, giving in to love is a hard mountain to climb. Once you've learned to protect yourself from being hurt, that defense mechanism turns on automatically. I've been hurt before by someone who claimed to love me. The aftermath of that was dreadful. Because of it, I've broken a few hearts as well. I feel awful about that. So, letting go of past hurt and giving into the possibility of a new love is absolutely frightening to me.

I'm a strong chick. This much I know to be true. I'm afraid to fail @love again. Afraid that being hurt again would be harder than the last time. I'm always in my own head contemplating every possible scenario. I'm not sure how I would pick myself back up again. It took everything out of me to mend my broken heart. I know now that I'm a better woman for making it through that situation. I also know what love really is and isn't now. So, I'm thankful for the heartbreak.

Giving into what the heart wants sounds so easy. And, truthfully, it should be. Love is simple. We complicate it. Hell, I def over think it instead of just allowing myself to feel it and be in it for the moment. With age comes wisdom if you're lucky. I count myself in that group. I'm more open to letting go and giving in. I need to feel again. I can't do it by myself. I'm not searching for a man to complete me. I'm already whole. Instead, I need a companion. The ying to my yang. The one other soul on this planet who just gets me, accepts me for the woman that I am & who just simply loves me.


"I don't know why your heart doesn't do what you tell it to." - Sidney Shaw "Brown Sugar"