What I Learned in 2015

01) Happiness is at the end of my fingertips. All I have to do is grab it.
02) Laughter is always an option. It’s usually the best one. I’ve indulged in it often this year.
03) Once your heart has healed, the tears will fade away, the sun will shine and your smile will return.
04) The people that love you the most will always know you the best.
05) Spending time with loved ones is something that one should never take for granted.
06) I had the most fun this entire summer/fall.  It’s the most fun I’ve had in years. I needed it.
07) I took a major break from writing. Mainly because I needed to. I had to. I was tired of writing about the same subject. I’ll get back to it in the new year.
08) Restored some relationships that needed mending. Mainly due to my self imposed hermit-like existence.
09)  Embraced being vulnerable on so many levels. It’s been the most uncomfortable lesson ever but I needed to trust the process again. I’m so glad I did.
10) The most important lesson I learned this year is that my happiness matters and I still have the ability to love again. I’m more me than I have been since January 2013. I’m so happy about that. I cannot wait to see what new adventures await me in 2016.

Lately I've Been In My Feelings

I've been avoiding writing this blog for days, weeks even.  I don't want to write but I need to get it off my heart. I am tired of thinking of it, wrestling with it. The topic du jour is babies. I am at the age that every single time I'm at a family function two topics come up: babies & marriage. The marriage one is easy to shut down. Whenever I'm asked about a husband, I just respond with "He hasn't found me yet." That's easier than saying "I no longer believe in the whole happily ever after fairytale." That's not my issue here. Babies are. I've been telling people that I no longer want children. That is the biggest lie I've ever told. For longer than I want to admit, I've had a dream of being a Mom. I have names picked it. I know what kind of Mother I wanted to be. I was looking forward to pregnancy and childbirth. I wanted to watch my kids grow up and become great people. I wanted to teach them everything I knew and give them the world. I met someone who made me want to be his wife and the mother of his kids. Then, it all fell apart. I was left heartbroken and disillusioned with a lot of things. The biggest being trust, love and family. Because of all of that, my dreams of being a Mom have gotten so far out of my reach. 

In the last few weeks, I have had two super uncomfortable conversations about babies. Both caught me off guard and left me disoriented. Randomly, my supervisor asked me, in front of people, if I was EVER going to have kids. I said no because that is my default answer. I think I've reverted to this response because if I say it enough maybe one day I'll believe it. She went on to say that she thought I would be a great Mom and that she could see me with a little natural haired little girl. I almost cried in public when she said that. She isn't the first person to say this to me. It hurts because I believe it too. I also do not believe that it will happen. She had no idea that she had stumbled upon a seriously sore subject for me. The other conversation bothered me even more. I made a statement to a friend and his response bothered me. I said that "the moment had passed on me wanting a baby." Which by all accounts is not the truth at all. He basically agreed with me. I was annoyed for days behind it. I also have another lifelong friend who always talks down on being a parent even though he is a damn good father to his kid. He says that I have it good being childless. He also doesn't realize how much that hurts me. 

When it comes to this subject, I am so angry with myself for still being affected by it. People always say you can never miss what you never had. That is a bold face lie from the pits of hell. Not being a Mom is a huge ache in my core. It's a real and tangible emptiness I feel. I wish that I would have never admitted that I wanted to be a Mom. Maybe then this wouldn't hurt so much. I am literally surrounded by babies all the time. Nieces and nephews and cousins and godchildren. I  am the only one of my friends who hasn't had a baby. I hate that I allowed myself to believe in the Mom and wife and family dream. I hate that it was taken from me. I hate that I feel anything about this. But, here I am, with this hole in my heart that cannot be filled in any other way. I feel like this is an ache that I will just learn to live with. Just like I've done with my Dad's murder and my last heartbreak. I dealt with them as much as I could and then I just suppress the residuals. I don't know how long this ache will last or how long before the words "I don't want to have kids" actually feel like the truth to me. But, I will keep saying them until they do. I'm not expecting anyone to tell me that it will be ok because it won't. I wanted something so badly and I cannot have it. That hurts and it sucks. But, I know I'll survive it. I have no other choice. I hate that I'm  writing this, hate even more that I'm feeling this way. But, it's my truth. And, I'm going to stand in it. 

Ladies Love Lyrics: Jill Scott

Jill Scott is B-A-C-K!!!! Her new cd "Woman" is everything I wanted and all the things I didn't even know I needed. She is singing her face off the entire cd. I love every song. Just had to share some of these dope songs and great lyrics with you. Get into it below and enjoy!!

"Prepared"

"I been reading my own journals

Checking to see where my head has been

And I been apologizing to some people 

Some bridges I needed to mend

And I been eating mor4e greens

Getting my body alkiline 

I'm gonna be super fine 

And I been letting

Been letting some old ideas go

I'm making room for my life to grow 

I just wanna be prepared

I just wanna be, just wanna be prepared

Getting myself prepared..."

"Cruisin"

"In my past I made mistakes because I was drunk on love
Too quick to trust 

Jumped in too easy

Yet we feel like we could be an us but my fear is strong though

I’ve seen no wrong

I hope I’m not dreaming

I can’t see myself waking in the morning with someone else but I can’t tell if it’s love. 

I need to know 

So I’m cruisin’ on the evening breeze to clear my mind take my time so I can breathe

Cruisin’ on the evening breeze to clear my mind take my time so I can breathe"

Get Into It: Drake Did That!!

There are really no words. As a fan of Hip Hop, I am loving this. If you've been living under a rock for the last few days, Meek Mill went on a Twitter rant about Drake. Drake released a diss track called "Charged Up" a few days later. IT was nice. Meek did not respond other than two wack tweets. Four days later, Drake reupped on that Meek diss and took it up a notch with "Back 2 Back Freestyle." Drake killed Meek. It's just that simple. He came with facts and dope bars and silent but deadly jabs over a ridiculous beat. And, he posted it to soundcloud in the wee hours of the morning right after Meek performed in Drake's hometown of Toronto. 

"You getting bodied by a singin m***a"

"Shout out to my bitches wifin niggas" 

"Is this a world tour or ya girl tour?"

"I see what you do for fame, wonder what you would do for freedom."  

This is the part of Hip Hop that makes me excited. This was unexpected but needed. I like both dudes. Been rocking Meek's new cd since it came out. But, I am a Drake fan & I have been since his second mixtape. He holds a special place in my lyrical heart. Drake is doing this the right way. Even if Meek claps back, he's already lost in the eyes of the masses because he started this and hasn't responded. Anyway, get into both of Drake's diss tracks. 

Rant: Really?!

I’m  a woman of a particular age.
Grown adult Black woman. 
I'm thirty-fucking-five.
Hella grown. 

The things that impressed me at 25 don’t even rate at 35. Corny & lame lines truly make me itch. I’m too intelligent for that. Just be real with me. Approach me like a grown man. Speak intelligently. Have a conversation about yourself. Do not come at me sideways. I no longer have time. 

Also, I’m not on any social media site trolling for a man or men. So, you don’t even have to shoot your shot because I’m good on all the game playing. That’s not where my head is. I just want to date & have fun. I’m not trying to marry you dude. And, I’m a flirt. Big one. Gargantuan. And, more often than not, it’s just flirting. I’m not looking for a husband. Hell, I’m not looking for anything. I’m a firm believer that real things happen organically. You don’t have to force it or fake it. It just happens. But please don’t annoy me with your lameness. Kindly keep it far from me, por favor. This is grown woman business over here. Immature men need not apply.

It's My Hair: The Braided Beauty Edition

  

I finally did it. I got box braids. I haven't had braids since at least summer of 2004. I've been wanting them for a minute. Finally took that plunge. And, I couldn't be happier about it. They are e-very-thing!!! They are super long too. Box braids down to my butt are what summers are for. I feel so bad ass with them. They have inspired a newness to my attitude. I love the versatility of them. I also really enjoy NOT having to do my natural hair for a minute. This was a great move getting this protective styling. I've had them for about a month. I have really gotten used to them. They are heavy though. I can handle the weight though because I'm a Queen & heavy is the head that wears the crown 👑 

If you know anything about me then you know I live for a photo opp. It's gotten even worse since I've gotten these braids. I don't think that there's been a day in the last month that I haven't at least snapped one selfie. I'm obsessed with my box braids. They make me look younger but I'm more than ok with that. My favorite style to wear them in has to be the high bun. It's like I'm wearing a crown and I love it. I think I will keep them in for a few more weeks. As much as I love them, I do miss Isabella (my hair). But, I'm not rushing this process. I am enjoying the freeness that these braids have inspired. Get into me & my box braids 😍😍😍 

 

I'm the Girl..

I’ve said it before. I’ll say it again. I’m the girl. The one you claim to love, claim to need. The one you say you see a future with . The one who gets you like no other. The one who loves you like no other one ever has or ever will. The one who makes you laugh and think. The one who challenges everything you thought you knew. Yeah, I’m her. That girl. 

The woman who introduces you to really dope music and art. Artists and literature. The one who can debate politics and pole tricks with the same intensity and facts. The one who looks innocent but is really freaky as fuck. Classy but a little bit hood. A proper speaking ebonically correct woman. The girl who always has your back and defends you fiercely. The same girl who loved you with her whole entire heart. I’m her. The good and the bad, the happy and the sad. Sunshine mixed with a little hurricane. Smart with a slick mouth. Complex. 

And, still, it wasn’t enough to make you stay. And, that one true statement will haunt the girl for years. It will mess with her spirit and her heart daily. Mostly nightly. Wondering why. Until the girl has an epiphany. You weren’t the one. You could not have been her happily ever after because you left. So, of course it wouldn’t work. The girl finally gets it. You couldn’t be the one because you never were. The girl smiles no longer heartbroken or sad. She gets it. She is me. I am her. 

Ladies Love Lyrics: The New Edition

This edition of LLL is all about new music. There has been so much great music released lately. I have been stuck on a few projects. I have to share them with you guys! Thank me later.

Tyrese released his supposed last solo cd. That makes me sad because "Black Rose" is amazing!!!I cannot even pick a favorite. Today, it is "Addict." Tyrese says this is real r&b and "leave it in"music. I totally agree. BR is a great follow up to TGT's "3 Kings." "Addict" made it's way to my #WafflesAndSexPlaylist on Spotify. You guys should totally check that out. Get into the awesomeness that is "Black Rose."

Hopin' that you call, going through withdrawal
When you stop dealing with me girl, it's like the sky falls
Ain't no use in going to rehab as I keep going back to what she had

Just one more hit baby
Gives me that feeling one more time

I'm a addict, I'm a addict
Every piece of your body I gotta have it
I'm strung out, so far gone

Stacy Barthe finally dropped her debut cd "BEcoming" last week. I've been patiently as well as impatiently waiting for it. Her mixtapes have been everything to me. I LOVE this project. Every single song does it for me.  The song that sticks out the most for me has to be "Me Versus ME." This song is so damn deep. There isn't a youtube video of just this song. However, the whole project is on youtube. "Me Versus ME" starts @ about the 16:06 mark. Give it a listen and feel the lyrics. 

"I don't know about most things
But I know a few things
About being broken
I've cried too
And for so long I didn't know the root of my pain
Lied inside of me, right inside of me
I got good old memories good old times
But that was then and this is now
I got bad old memories bad old times
But that was then and this is now
This is me now and that was me then
Don't hold me accountable this is me now
That was me then this is me now
Before I knew me that was me then
This is me now."

Miguel released new music as well. The project is called "Wildheart." It is pure sex on wax. I fell in love with "The Valley" as soon as the beat dropped and before I even knew what the subject matter was. I had to add this to the #WafflesAndSexPlaylist before the song ended. Great song. Great project. Miguel's voice sounds amazing on here. Get into it.

"I wanna fuck like we're filming in the valley
I wanna push and shove and paint your hills and valley
I got a red idea to expedite the ride
Pu it over, pull em to the side
I'm talking, lips, taste, clit, sit
Like we're filming in the valley, in the valley (lips, tits, clit, sit)
In the valley, in the valley, (lips, tits, clit, sit)

I'm your heaven, I'm your hell, I'm your healer baby
Pour your sins on me baby, let us pray"

The Internet released new music as well. "Ego Death" is the perfect follow-up since 2013's "Feel Good." This project mellows me out. I press play and vibe out. "For The World" features James Fauntleroy and it's my favorite on the cd. Great song. Listen to it and vibe with out. 

"Cigarettes and sex are on your breath again
It's cool, I'm the same, the way we kiss
Girl you’re special, I wanna protect you and I’ll kill so you could live
But when the first body went down, you wouldn't tell me that I know it again
I'd rather lay it down and get back cuz killin' is a sin
We're chillin' instead, give me a kiss
Girl
If not for me, for the world."

Let's Talk About Randoms

01) Essence 2015 was epic. It was e-very-thing & more. I truly enjoyed myself. Maybe a little too much 😆

02) Kevin Hart is ridiculous! I haven’t laughed that hard or that much in a long time. Def needed that. 

03) Mother Nature is trying to kill me. My allergies have been giving me the absolute blues for days now. I’m over it 

04) “Magic Mike XL" was e-very-thing to me. Channing can do no wrong. I’m a new fan of Twitch. Joe & Matt are swoon-worthy. Jada was hella dope in this movie as well. I loved it. 
 
05) My boobs are killing me softly. Just thought I would share. 

06)  Disloyal people don't deserve your loyalty. They don't understand it nor will they, Show the disloyal ones the door.

07) Donald Trump & Bobby Jindal have thrown their hats into the ring for a Presidential bid. I find it hilarious and sad at the same time. 

08) It truly took an act of the current Congress to get me outta bed this morning. I’m super  I need a nap por favor.

09) The flag came down in Charleston. It should have been done a long time ago. Sad it took 9 lives been taken for this historic moment to happen. 

10) My sister told me I was glowing. She said there was happiness radiating out of my pores. . That truly made my day. Happy Kenda is happy! 

Get Into It: Sundress Season

I've fallen in love again. With myself that is. Oh and sundresses and maxi dresses. I've purchased  no less than 10 in the last month. I have an obsession & I'm gonna indulge in it. Because why not? I deserve any and everything that will keep a smile on my face. It's been a long time coming. I finally feel like myself again. I feel like it's taken me far too long to get back here. But, that's probably because I am super hard on myself. Anyway, I am happy and I can say that and mean it. So, this post is just an ode to me and sun or maxi dresses and brick wall. This is it, my summer aesthetic. IT's who I've always wanted to be. This version of me, dope ass brown girl who exudes Black girl magic at every single turn. It's me. Imn all my glory! Get Into Me!!

A Case of The Mondays

The Monday after a dope holiday weekend is always such a somber letdown. This past weekend wasn't only the 4th of July it was also Essence Music Festival here in New Orleans. FOr those who do not know, Essence Music Festival is (now) a 4 day music and seminar event. This year is the 15th anniversary of its inception. I can wholeheartedly say that I've gone to at least one night of the festival for about 13 years. I distinctly recall not going in '06 because it was in Houston. I enjoyed all 3 of the nights I went. This year, I saw Trey Songz, Kevin Hart, Maze featuring Frankie Beverly, Charlie Wilson, India Aire, MJB, Kendrick Lamar, Floetry. I loved them all. Charlie Wilson gives a great show. Kevin Hart is beyond hilarious & his new comedy movie will be ridiculous. I've been saying "Really?" for days now. When you see it, you''ll get it. 

I loved my look all three nights. I didn't get one pic of me Sunday night though. I was rushing just to get there. Every night, I felt really great and sexy. I was feeling my outfits, my hair and my makeup. I was in great company with family and friends. We vibed all night to dope artists and great music. I couldn't have asked for anything more. I needed that in more ways than one. I spent this morning watching "Magic Mike XL" and I loved it. So much better than the first. I am a new fan of Twitch. One of the greatest weekends gas now come to a close. I am tired and happy. This smile hasn't left my face since Thursday. Hope that the 4th was good to all of you as well. Love and light, people!!

Mixed Drinks

Seriously.

Who knew feelings would become so damn complicated post 30?! I just knew I would have that portion of the program figured out. But, I also thought I would be a wife & mom to at least 2 by this age. Clearly, I was totally wrong about all of it. Love & relationships aren’t really meant to be this damn complex for the 30 & over crowd. We’re supposed to have learned so much from our 20’s. And, granted, I’ve learned a lot. But, the greatest lesson came when I was 33 & I still don’t really know what the purpose was.

It’s difficult for me to admit failure in regards to aspects of my life plans. I hate for folks to say that it’s just being delayed. It doesn’t help me. I’m still behind on things want out of life. This is why I say that “feelings suck, avoid them at all costs.” I care too much. I feel too much. I fall too deep. And, clearly I’ve chosen the wrong men. So, now what?

The truth is I’m afraid to feel something. Afraid to open my heart and life to anyone new. Mainly because I could be hurt again. I know that this isn’t living. I am trying my best to get back to that place where I thought love was possible. I have to if I want to have any chance at having my own family. I know it’s going to take some faith on my part. I’m doing the work. I’ll figure it out when it’s time,when the right one makes his presence known. That’s all I can do, right? For the moment, I'll continue to sip this drink and think. 

Ladies Love Lyrics: Currently

I am back on my music kick. For a while, music and specifically lyrics were too much for me. There is a saying that when you're happy, you enjoy the music. But, when you're sad, you understand the lyrics.That has been beyond true with me lately. But, I've decided to reclaim music because it's my thing. I can't let a person or a situation take that away from me. So, no more avoiding certain songs or cringing when I hear them. Now, I just enjoy what I enjoy. Here are a few of my current faves. As always, the lyrics are what made me a fan. Get into all of them!

"This is not an excuse
I'm just telling the truth
Baby, I'm so sorry
For hurting you

Oh, I'm ashamed of me (Shame on me)
Wish I never done you wrong (Shame on me)
Every night of us I dream
That I wake up in your arms

I know why you left me
But since you've been gone
My understanding
Has moved and grown
I've come to this conclusion
Over and over again
I don't want an enemy
I just want back my friend."

"Oh, silly me my dear, for thinking that you'd stay
Gave you my heart and then you ran away
Either I'm stupid, I'm foolish, or you're playing me
But it seems we were never really meant to be

So I thought I would try something new
I wanted to find out if I could live happy without you
And it turned out I wasn't living at all
I'd rather never known if you had just played along

I was living the dream believing things that just ain't true
Oh I can't believe I ever believed in you
You had me chasing fool's gold
I was chasing fool's gold."

"Just let it burn
Let it, let it burn
Call me crazy but I think I found the love of my life

Feel it creepin' in your heart
Ooh baby can you feel it tearing you apart?
That's right that's love
When it comes, you never wanna give it up
And baby, I'm caught in the light and I ain't gonna fight it
There's no use in tryin', I'm yours
And I want you to want me the way that I would you and more."

"Head on your chest babe, but your heart is so quietWe use to talk all night long, now we laying in silenceYour arms around me but your soul is somewhere elseGone so long and I know you so wellI know that you are everything that I ever dreamed ofAnd I hoped that love had a happy endingBaby you should be here, right hereBaby you should be here, right hereDon't know where you went but you're lost nowDon't know where you went but you're gone now."

 

"Last night you didn't call,Had me worried all night longWhy you keep doing me wrong?I don't know, babe!And it hurts so badI'm tired of being sad,This house is not a homeThe love is gone, baby!I just can't see it, I can't see, baby!Staying in this with you, you, you, you!If you love me, set me free!"

"The first time you shot me down I was grazed
Second round was never found, it ricocheted
Nowhere to run, I was stunned in a daze
A victim of a love I can't escape

I remember when you said you loved me
Three little words that burned into my soul
Maybe you didn't mean those things you told meMaybe you didn't really mean those words at all"

"So you say you wanna get away 

We don't need a plane

We'll be your escape

Take you to a place

Where there is no time, no space

I could be your private island

On a different planet

Anything could happen

Listen to the waves

Let them wash away your pain

I could be your fantasy

I could be your fantasy

Underneath the palm trees

You could leave your worries

Listen to the waves

Sure you wanna get so high?

Breath me in like air tonight."