Get Into It: Sundress Season

I've fallen in love again. With myself that is. Oh and sundresses and maxi dresses. I've purchased  no less than 10 in the last month. I have an obsession & I'm gonna indulge in it. Because why not? I deserve any and everything that will keep a smile on my face. It's been a long time coming. I finally feel like myself again. I feel like it's taken me far too long to get back here. But, that's probably because I am super hard on myself. Anyway, I am happy and I can say that and mean it. So, this post is just an ode to me and sun or maxi dresses and brick wall. This is it, my summer aesthetic. IT's who I've always wanted to be. This version of me, dope ass brown girl who exudes Black girl magic at every single turn. It's me. Imn all my glory! Get Into Me!!

Puzzle Pieces

The phrase "puzzle pieces" has been in my head all week.  I am in a period of transition. Honestly, I have been for a while. But, for the first time, I can see clearly. The clouds are lifting and the sun is peeking through. In this metaphor, my life is the puzzle that needs it's pieces. This means that I am attempting to put myself back together again. Some pieces no longer fit the woman I am today so they have to be discarded. The thing about being broken is that no matter how hard you try, you will never put yourself back together the same way. There are slivers of you that you will never find. So, all the glue and tape in the world would only be able to hold together the biggest pieces of the puzzle that you are. There will be cracks where the person you used to be existed. 

 "I'm in repair.  

  I'm not together  

  but I'm getting there"

                         -- John Meyer "In Repair"

Some days I sit and write these pieces on paper so that I can "see" myself more clearly. I feel as though there are characteristics that no longer belong in my life. They no longer work with the woman I am becoming. The one thing I know is that I will be better than I was. No one person or situation will ever stop me in my tracks again. No one will no longer have the power to break me. I am taking back my power and I feel damn good about it. I spent a lot of time reflecting, writing, and drinking this weekend. Everything was put into perspective once it was done. This is the best I've felt in a really long time and I am so thankful for it. The pieces of the puzzle that I call my life are fitting together perfectly again. What more can I ask for?

I Am...

Anaïs Nin speaks to my soul. My friend Joey posted this earlier and even though I've seen it before, today it stuck with me. It describes my current situation perfectly. Months ago, I made this huge proclamation that I was done with love and dating and dealing. It was true...then. I'm starting to change my mind on a few of those. I've had to face some very hard truths lately. I had a conversation that was like taking a bullet to the face. It was one I needed to have. It was one I should have had a while ago. Did it hurt hearing those words come from the mouth of someone I love? Hell yes. But, it always does when it comes to him. Love isn't as complicated as we make it. I deserve someone who actively chooses me every day and tells me so every night. My love is that big, that special, that deep. I crave reciprocity and I know there is someone out there who will look at me like I hung the sun again. 

I am tired of being the sad, broken version of myself. I've looked into the mirror and seen her for far too long. I am over that reflection and this feeling. I am done with it. I refuse to be her anymore. Especially since she is not me. Let me toot my own horn for a moment. I am a great woman. No, I am a helluva woman. And, if anyone doesn't see that and voluntarily exits my life, then that is their loss. I can no longer focus on or trip on anything that's behind me. I refuse to believe that it is my destiny to not be loved completely or that I am going to always be alone. My God has already decided what is for me is for me. I still want to get married and still want to have kids. And, even though my family may not include the person I thought I was going to live happily ever after with, it will be mine. I've already proclaimed it. So, I am giving up on the old me and looking towards a new me. I smiled today and I felt it in my soul. It's been far too long since that has happened. I am back on my pursuit of happiness trail. There can be no other outcome for be but that. Because I said so!

Facing It

Fear is a powerful emotion. It can literally stop anyone in their tracks. It is the force that will prevent a person from moving forward. FEAR is an acronym for "false evidence appearing real." I do not really believe that. Fear is real. I know how it grips my heart, the way it makes me feel and the doubts that it plants in my mind. Growing up, I had one MAJOR fear. That fear was being a single parent. My fear was not in the fact that I could/would be a great parent. It laid more in the fact of doing it alone. I watched my Mom break her back for me and my brother. She worked two sometimes three jobs to provide for us. She was the epitome of a great Mom to us. But, for years, my Mom was always so overworked and exhausted. There were so many things she missed out on in my life because she had to work. My Dad had his faults, mainly not being there and not paying child support. I didn't want to live that life. I wanted more, better. My Mom wanted this for me as well.

Now, that I am heading quickly towards 35, my fear has changed. The thing I fear the most is twofold. I fear being alone and never being a parent. Those are real, tangible, accessible fears. I do not know how to shake these fears. I cannot figure out how to get past it. I feel silly still wanting that elusive dream of marriage and babies. But, I do. I've tried so many ways to not worry about it but it's hard. It's difficult waiting around for something you want so bad that may never happen.People say that you have to face your fears but I have no clue how to do that now. This isn't like my fear of heights. I've faced it by riding roller coasters and flying. Or my fear of spiders. I survived having a tarantula crawl up my thighs. Or my fear of snakes. I didn't freak out being near one a few weeks back. This fear isn't one I can face truly yet. I do not have a solution. But, it's something that has been on my mind a lot lately. All I do know is that I cannot let these fears prevent me from living my life. I know that whatever God has for me is for me. Believe that. 

Brown Skin, You Know I Love My Brown Skin

I've never had an issue with the color of my skin. I've never wanted to be lighter like my Dad or darker like my Mom. I loved my brown skin because it was the perfect mix of my parents. I was the median between the two. I had parents who instilled in me a love for my skin and Black people in general. My childhood was filled with positive affirmations about the brown skin I was in. I had a room full of Black Barbie dolls and Black Cabbage Patch dolls. Even before I really knew what it meant, I loved being Black. I liked being a little Brown girl with long Black hair. I was a carefree child. I thank my parents for that. This brown skin I'm in fits me perfectly. I was meant to be this shade. I love it. 

So much has changed since I was that carefree little Black girl. I'm no longer a naive child. I've loved and lost. Friends have come and gone. I've lost some of my favorite people to random acts of violence. Babies have been born. I've grown up. But, the one thing that hasn't changed is this: I still love my brown skin. I still love my Black people. That won't ever change. With so many attacks on Blackness daily via the media, it is easy to only see the negative in people who look like me. But, I refuse to. We are not a monolith. My nine nieces and nephews and 3 Godchildren are all varying shades of brown skin. I compliment them all because children need to be cherished. They all need to know that all shades of Blackness are beautiful. We are a gorgeous group of people. I want them to embrace that the same way I have. My Black is beautiful. Always.