Getting That Feeling Again

I do not know if its an age thing. I will be 32 this year in December. Or if it's the fact that I just recently became an Aunt for the 7th time last week. Or if its that babies just smell so incredibly good. But, thoughts of babies have clouded my thoughts a lot lately. It's amazing to me how this happened. I used to be the girl who swore I would never have kids. I've played the "Mommy" role since as far back as I could remember. I am the oldest and I am the boss. But, now I want babies. My own. I want to be pregnant I want to watch my body grow and carry a child. I want to feel him/her kick for the first time. I want to be able to feel my baby move within my tummy. I crave these things.

I used to have an intense fear of parenthood. I realized that what I feared the most was single parenthood. I watched my Mom go above and beyond to provide for me and Kendrick. She worked so hard. I did not want that for me. I did not want to raise a child without the Father in the house. I needed my Dad so much growing up. I yearned for him. That was an ache, a hole my Mom could not fill. She was and still is amazing in my eyes. But, there are some things a woman cannot teach her daughter about men or teach her son about becoming a man. Kids need both parents. So I convinced myself that I didn't want kids because I wasn't too sold on the idea of marriage.

And, now, I feel differently. I think about what my kids will look like, who they will be, when I will meet them. I feel like they are my destiny. I think I would be a great Mom because I am aware of myself. I feel my heart swell when I'm around kids. Especially when they tell me they love me. I cannot wait to hear my babies call me "Mommie." I am overcome with emotions when I think of it. Babies are a beautiful thing. I also realize that I wasn't mentally or emotionally ready for a baby in my 20's. I did not know that then. But, I am fully aware of it now.

Right Side Vs. Left Side of the Brain

I had a epiphany tonight. While watching one of my favorite shows SATC, Carrie Bradshaw wrote "It’s a pretty common belief that women tend to use the left, more emotional side of their brain, and men the right, more logical side. But is it really that cut and dry? It seems that when it comes to affairs of the heart, there’s a battle between what we know and what we feel. So, what do you do when you find yourself in a situation that leaps back and forth between the left and right side?” That made me think about the fundamental differences between women and men and the way we approach and handle things. I'm not here to claim that women are superior to men or vice versa. We're just different. We see things slightly differently and react to them that way. I do not fall into the category of believing that women are from venus and men are from mars. We have a lot in common but there are differences.

I can be very emotional. I also know how to control how much of that I show to people. I've been in a plethora of situations where I've wondered how could the man involved not see what I see. Or how could he not know how pissed I was. Even if I did not verbally admit it, everything about my demeanor screamed anger. I get quiet, my body is tense, arms crossed, I would be literally radiating heat from my body. Yet, he would look so bewildered when I would say I was mad. I'm not on to hold my tongue when I'm mad. I like to express myself fully. Men on the other hand are not like that. It's like pulling teeth to get to the root of a problem. They are generally never too forthcoming about feelings and emotions. Even when talking to my brother, I know I have to ask a very specific question to get anything out of him. It's draining.

Women are usually talkative. We like to share. We're expressive and emotional. We feel deeply. And we're used to discussing it with our girls. Men aren't usually like that. Yes, they can and will open up about certain things. But, I do not believe that they will ever be as quick to share as women are. It's taken me a long time to understand that fundamental difference between men and women. I've learned what questions to ask or not ask. I pay attention to the nonverbal communication as well. And, I know that sometimes the talker needs to just be the listener. It's easier to hear what the man is feeling that way. What do you guys think?