This Past Week

This past week has been a really heavy one for me for two very specific reason. I dread September 23rd yearly. It is the day my Dad was killed. It's been 16 years. Some years are easier than others. This was not an easy year. Mainly because I have felt like I needed him more in the last two years. Wait, no. I know I needed him in 2013. It was a dark year and I desperately need fatherly advice from my Father. It's moments like those that remind me that I am a fatherless daughter and it sucks. My Dad was not a perfect man or father but he was mine. I look at pictures of him and see myself in his face. It's crazy how one person's act (killing my Dad) could STILL affect a family years later. His picture is below. We have the same nose, same eyes. His face is my face. I miss that man.   

The second reason is the guy in the picture below. He is my Uncle Larry. His birthday was September 26th. He was killed in 2000. He was my absolute favorite person when I was growing up. He was a father figure. I was blessed to have him in my life. He talked to like an adult even though I was a kid. He was straight up and straight forward with me. He schooled me on life, boys, and music. I miss sitting in my room with him and just zoning out to music. He was taken from us way too soon. Unlike with my Dad's case, we received justice. It took 8 years but his killer was arrested and convicted. On his birthday, I always remember those little gems he always dropped on me. I still miss him. This week took a lot out of me emotionally. But, I made it  and I know both my Dad and uncle would want it that way. Happy Birthday, Uncle Larry. Rest in peace, Daddy. 

"Some days, I just miss my Father."

Back Down Memory Lane

When I saw this on Tumblr, it resonated with me instantly. This quote is incredibly true. Our memories have a way of hurting us. We, in general, have a habit of romanticizing history. Memories always seem greater, bigger, better than they actually were. I have a bad habit of strolling down memory lane. Reminiscing over what was is really not healthy. All it does is make me sad all over again. It is a horrible habit I haven't figured out how to shake just yet. There is a time and place for everything, even reminiscing. Memory lane IS a terrible place to visit if you are still in your feelings about the situation. Which is my current situation. I try my best not to go there but I cannot help it. I end up there way too frequently. It's a problem.

There are things that literally hurt to remember. They were good times that don't exist anymore. The ache of a moment can kill you. I try very hard to not visit memory lane. It takes me to a place I no longer reside. Memories are great when you are far removed from them and your feelings are no longer an issue. I am so not there yet. I want to be though. I pray for that deliverance daily. I'd like to not feel anything about a lot of things in my past. I no longer want to cry about things that have happened in my life. I want to be so far removed from those memories that I can smile and let it go. I can think about my Dad, who died almost 16 years ago, without crying. But, it took me years to get there. In general, I know that my  head and heart both work at their own pace. That quote about memory lane really stuck with me. I think I would be a better version of myself if I stopped visiting it. I cannot move forward if my head is always stuck on what was. This is more about keeping myself accountable. Memory lane is not a place one can reside. Focusing on the future great memories that I will make allows me a peace I cannot quantify. 

#30in30: Picture Perfect

Pictures are one of my favorite hobbies. I love to be able to sit and reminisce while looking at old photos. I have not always been diligent when it came to taking and keeping them though. I wasn't that concerned with them for years. As a kid, I only remember taking school pictures. In high school, I LOVED pictures. This was reinforced by the fact that I was on the newspaper and yearbook staffs. But, I still did not take a lot of pictures just for my personal stash. It was just something to do to insure that my friends and I stayed in the yearbook :) I'm not sure why some are opposed to photos so much. I need them. I snap them all the time. Pictures often times capture more than just the people on the screen. They capture a feeling, a song, a thought of something specific about that moment in time. 

After my Dad died, I realized that I did not have a lot of pictures of him. That made me so angry on top of everything else. There were 18 years of memories that we shared and pictures weren't taken. In a way, I became obsessed with documented things via photos. I still carry a camera in my purse at all times. These days I am partial to the convenience of my Evo's camera. I love pictures. I really do. There are always such good memories attached to them. I can almost remember the exact moment that each was taken. That alone makes it worth it. Memories may fade as we get older and our minds can't recall certain things. But, pictures are forever. They have no expiration date. I should start to date them and put names on the back. I don't want to be 78 and can't remember who's actually in the picture. 

Photos may not be that important to most but they represent something else to me. They are a representation of what I've experienced, where I've been, and whom I've shared them with. As I flip through the countless photo albums I have acquired over the last years, I still get sad about the lack of Daddy pictures. I take an annoying amount of pictures because I don't ever want to not have any pictures. My nieces and nephews are so used to me making them pose that they ask for pictures to be taken. I have a ridiculous amount of pictures of the 8 of them. I make no apologies about this aspect of me. Hey, we're making memories here. I know they will love to see all of the photos that I will have acquired by the time they reach high school. There is just something about having a picture to go along with the perfect story. It just works.

*Above photos: (1) 4 of nephews/niece at our last family reunion; (2) My parents holding a 4 month old me; (3) me at 3 y/o*