It's My Hair: So Far In 2015

I have been a very bad naturalista so far in 2015. I've spent more days with my hair in a bun than anything else. I am currently in a rut hairwise. I don't really know what to do with it. But, I am happy to report that my natural hair is healthy, happy, and growing. It's longer and thicker today than it was 3 months ago. My hair dye from last summer has grown out. I think I will try another, lighter shade this summer. I might even cut my hair. I haven't decided how short though. Change is good. Change is necessary. 

Braid outs, buns, and puffs have been staples in my natural hair journey this year. All are easy to maintain. I usually go from a 4/5 day braid out into either a high or low puff. From there, it will be a bun. I am so glad that it is finally Spring time. The winter has been harsh on my hair. I have had moisture retention issue. But, that's all over now thankfully. I am looking forward to playing around with more styles with my hair. This summer will bring a change in hue and maybe length. I am excited about it. I actually cannot wait to do more with my hair. It's been almost 4 years since my last relaxer. I still cannot believe that. But, I couldn't be happier about it. It's my hair and I happen to love it more today that I did 4 years ago. Yay me!

Random Thoughts of Pi

• This has been the longest week. Insomnia has showed up again. I hate her with a passion. I haven't slept much in days. It doesn't bode well for my demeanor. Today has been the first day I've been in a great mood since last weekend. Grateful for it. 
• #BlackoutDay was such a huge success!! I loved seeing so many Black people on my dash. It was a great way to just celebrate us and our melanin. Can't wait to do it again.
• The winter weather has finally given us a break in the N.O. It's 73 today. I have on shorts and sandals and I'm loving it.Now, if this weather can just stick around, I would be so happy.
• Drake's "If You're Reading This It's Too Late" mixtape has grown on me. I listen to it daily. My new fave is "You & the 6." I am reading to hear "Views From The 6" though. Oh, I am also digging Raheem Devaughn's "Love Sex & Passion" as well.
• "Empire" has quickly become my fave new show. I'm a huge fan of Cookie and Jamal (Taraji P. Henson & Jussie Smollett). They are the best parts of the show. I am looking forward to the finale next week. If you haven't watched it, do yourself a favor and get into it. 

• I've been living on a high from a few weekends ago. I had the best time with my family at a party. Sometimes you just need a moment to have a great time with the best people. 
• I am so sick of  Black people being killed with no consequences for their killers. The Department of Justice hasn't been in the justice business lately. No indictments for Tryavon Martin or Mike Brown's killers. It's as if they are telling us that we don't matter. Our lives nor our deaths do not matter. It's truly awful to feel that our skin color makes us guilty. 
• I am not a fan of the term "cis." I'm a Black woman. I don't need any more terms to define myself. It's annoying to me. I don't get it and I don't really care too.
• The "50 Shades of Grey" trilogy was literary trash. And, because of that I wouldn't go see the movie. BUT, the soundtrack is so good. Sad that it's the soundtrack for such an awful project but I respect the music. 
• I do believe that I'm spent more than enough time mourning the life that I thought was going to be mine. Now, it's time to start living the life I have. And, appreciating all the people who are in it, that love me and more importantly, that stayed true. I get so caught up in the things I don't have that I forget to take the time to be thankful for the things that I do have. I need to work on that for me. 
• Today is Pi day. It's March 14th. 3.1415. I love nerdy things like this. Oh, and tomorrow is the Ides of March. Hope you all are having a great weekend. I've been a bad & neglectful blogger. I promise to do better. 

Get Into It: #Refresh

I love getting packages in the mail. Which is why being an Influenster is such a great fit for me. I received my first Vox Box of the year this week. It's the #RefreshVoxBox. It was filled with so many goodies for me to try out. It included L'Occitane Shea Butter Comforting Cream, Benitos Chips, Covergirl Ultra Smoothing Foundation, a coupon for Orgain Certified Organic Nutritional Shakes, Montagne Jeunesse Face Masques, Listerine Pocket Paks, DenTek Comfort Clean Floss Picks, and Skinnygirl Nutritional Bars. All great products for me to try. I loved them all but the L'Occitane Cream is my favorite, hands down. It's such a great moisturizing cream. I love it. 

• Benitos Chips, 2 bags. These are incredibly good chips made from beans. I enjoyed them. #allthatinabagofchips 
• Covergirl Ultra Smoothing Foundation in 860 Classic Tan. Great foundation an I like the applicator. #UltraSmooth 
• L'Occitane Shea Butter Light Comforting Cream is amazing. I loved this product the most. #ineedshea because it works wonders for my skin. This product kept my hands & face moisturized all day during a really harsh cold wintery day. I cannot wait to purchase this product for myself.
• Orgain Certified Organic Nutritional Shakes are so good. The coupon for a free one was a win. #OrgainWellness 
• Montagne Jeunesse Face Masques. I received the Black Seaweed one. I loved it. #MJPeelOffs 
• Skinnygirl Tasty Nutrition Bars. The Dark Chocolate Pretzel Bar is so good. They are currently on sale @ Target & I had to go get me some. #skinnygirlXinfluenster 
• #ListerinePocketPaks. I didn't even know they still made these. I loved them before and I love them still.
• DenTek Comfort Clean Floss Picks are amazing. I love this product. #GoFlossYourself

(Disclaimer: "I received these products complimentary from Influenster for testing purposes.")

Ran-dumb

• This winter weather is going to kill me. It should not be 73 one day and 40 the next in February!! That is insane. And, of course, now I have the cold from hell. I just want to breathe normally and sleep through the night. Last night, Nyquil became my new best friend. Let's pray that I can shake it soon. Oh, and that this weather regulates itself accordingly. 
• Sometimes we get the answers to the questions in our heart and they leave even more questions. This happened to me this week. My questions left more questions. I hate when I cannot figure something out. Hate when I cannot get to a logical conclusion. But, the reality is the answers don't make sense still. One cannot say I love strawberries, they are my fave AND I've decided to never eat them again. Why would one do that? It's illogical at best. So, the very analytical part of me has given up on trying to make the answers work. 
• I've been emotionally drained for weeks now. I am so tired of it. Life would be so much easier if I didn't care so much. I haven't figured out how to be that version of myself though.
• Rediscovering old music you've forgotten about is like running into an old friend you haven't seen in a while. It's been the best part of my week. I am obsessed with Anthony Hamilton's "Broken Man" and Justin Timberlake's "Still On My Brain." They've both been played a ridiculous amount of times this week.
• So, I am an old school NKOTB fan. They were my group in elementary school They are coming here in May. I have to be there. For nostalgia sakes. I have to see Jordan with my own eyes again.

• The older I get, the more in love with my Blackness I become. To me, there is nothing better than melanin. I love our skin. I love being Black. I'd love it if people would realize that I can be pro-Black (aka "All BLACK everything") and still not be anti-white. They two can coexist. i am eternally thankful for God making me Black. You can take that anyway you want but I am so amazed by the skin I am in. 
• And, I have to admit that there is a small part of me that still holds on to a certain dream. The dream of me falling in love, marrying and building a life with a Black man. Having Black kids and living a very dope life. I may be skeptical about the whole falling in love again thing but I know my end game leads me to a life where Blackness is the center. It's the one thing I've always dreamed of.
• With age comes wisdom. I have become more involved with things that affect the state of Blacks in the U.S. today. Maybe I have more activist in me than I thought. 
• OAN, I am simply over the white washing of everything. I am not watching the Grammy's or the Oscar's because of it this year. I am just done with white folks columbusing everything that Black people have created. It's annoying and it's never as good as the originals. Just stop it, 2520's. 
• Been listening a lot more than talking lately. It's worked out tremendously for me. I don't want to talk about my issues. I just want to listen and offer help when I can. That's it. At least for right now. 

Just Because I Felt Like It: D'Angelo & the Vanguard on "SNL"

D'angelo is back!!! After shocking his fans with a surprise album in December, D'Angelo has been on a roll. He was the musical guest last night on "SNL." He performed "Really Love" which is a personal favorite of mine as well as "The Charade." What is so important about his second performance is just about everything. His band, the Vanguard, all rocked "I Can't Breathe" and "Black Lives Matter" tees. There was a chalk outline of a body on the floor where D'Angelo performed. "The Charade" is one of the most politically charged songs on "Black Messiah." They ended the performance with one of their fists raised in the air which is the symbol for Black power. All of this occurred after 12 so it was essentially February 1st & the beginning of Black History Month. This was poignant and calculated and greatness. It became a topic on all social media. Everyone was talking about it. D'Angelo made a statement and we all got it. We matter period. I love this. J. Cole took a stand on Letterman by performing his Mike Brown ode "Be Free" as did Joey Bada$$ on Fallon by ending his performance with his hands up. I really love my people. Both of D'Angelo's SNL performance's are here. Get into them.

"Crawling through a systematic maze

And it pains to demise

Pain in our eyes

Strain of drownin', wading into your lies

Degradation so loud that you can't hear the sound of our cries

All the dreamers have gone to the side of the road which we will lay on

Inundated by media, virtual mind fucks in streams

All we wanted was a chance to talk

'Stead we only got outlined in chalk

Feet have bled a million miles we've walked

Revealing at the end of the day, the charade..."

Ladies Love Lyrics: Anita Baker's "Talk To Me"

Anita Baker's voice & music are both timeless. She is perfection and classic. I love her. This morning while my AB Spotify radio channel played, this song came on and caught my attention. I've always liked it. But, it resonated today because of a current situation in my life. I'm not a big fan of people who shut down emotionally. It disturbs my spirit on so many levels. I cannot be there for you if you do not "Talk To Me." It;s that simple. I am frustrated but Anita worked it out for me. I've done my part, done the work. That's all I can do. And, now, I'm going to listen to Anita and vibe for a little while longer. Get into these classic lyrics below and song above. Enjoy!! 

"Ooh, baby, baby, baby

You stand all alone on your own
Please come inside from the storm
Stand where it's warm, I can see you're in need
Baby, please talk to me now

Swear nothin' is wrong, you're so strong
Baby don't hold this inside
Relax your pride let it go, set it free
My baby, talk to me now

What's wrong, wrong with you?
Why don't you tell me what you're going through, darlin'?
What's wrong, wrong with you?
Why don't you tell me what you're going through?
I can help you if you let me baby, yes I can

I understand, here's my hand
Why stand alone in the dark open up your heart
Let this go, set it free
Now my baby, talk to me now..."

Bible Talk

When you constantly see or hear something, you tend to take notice. This is what happened to me last year. I was bombarding with Bible verses from Romans 8. I kept seeing Romans 8:28 as well as 8:35. After seeing them for about a week, I had to go to my Bible and read them. Once I started reading, I remembered the chapter very well. In the past, I had an in-depth conversation about this specific chapter in Romans. I had someone explain this to me in great detail. It's a very interesting chapter in the Bible. I've spent countless moment thinking that I wasn't good enough for one reason or another. Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." There is something about those words that fill me with so much hope.

Romans 8 has become a staple in my life. I read it often and early. It calms, centers and refocuses me. It makes me feel like I have a bigger purpose here in life. In the moments when I am doubting myself and feel at my lowest, I read it. There have always been verses that have stuck with me but this is different. I almost feel as though it was tailor made for me at this point in my life. I can say honestly that my faith has waivered a lot lately. It's so easy to get caught up in the "woe is me" life and I've been there far too long. But, the dark clouds have dissipated and I can see and feel the sun shining directly on me. I'm happier than I've been in a really long time. And, I know that prayer has a lot to do with it. I read Romans 8 more than any other chapter in the Bible in the last few months. It's helped me tremendously. I am so thankful for all the universe for conspiring to lead me to those particular words. 

Not The Right One

Last night I was watching BET's "The Game" while attempting to go to sleep. I wasn't feeling that well. And, while I would normally be all into the show, my mind was elsewhere. So, I was dvr'ing it to watch later. Until I heard Jason Pitts utter the words above. I felt like I had been shot. I sat straight up and had to rewind it because I didn't really know what led to such an honest and hurtful admission. I watched that scene at least three times. Watched as Chardonnay's heart broke and face cracked as her husband said those words to her. How could he?? How do you fall in love with a woman, marry her, plan your future with her, re-propose, give her a big fancy wedding only to humiliate her in front of everyone?? I will never understand the mindframe of a man who is supposedly in love with a woman doing anything to hurt her. Ever. 

But, then I got to thinking about this situation. If you really love someone, you should want the best for them. Even if that means that they aren't with you. I've spent a lot of time thinking since my last breakup about love. I've seriously doubted his love for me on many late nights. I felt as if he didn't love me enough to stay. And, for far too long, that thought killed me. It made me feel less than and not worthy of love because the man I loved left me. The absence of his love filled me with self-doubt. And, honestly, I haven't worked my way totally through it. Even after the breakup, he would (and still does) compliment me and I find it hard to believe him. Hearing that I'm a good woman or a great person or that I'm pretty or sexy or intelligent doesn't have the same appeal as it did before. But, then I had an epiphany. Whatever his reasons for leaving, whether I think they were credible or not, were his own. And, the reality is, he no longer thought I was the right woman for him. In hindsight, I'm thankful for him. Because it could've been worse. We could've been married with kids. This way, I was the only one hurt. I didn't think I would survive but I did. Getting back to "The Game," I hope this heartbreak for Chardonnay leads her to the man she is supposed to spend the rest of her life with. Hell, I hope the same thing for me as well. 

Thoughts of a Random Thinking Woman

• One week into #NoBareLips30 & I am still going strong. I am loving playing in my lipsticks and rocking them daily. I have about 20 new lipsticks which is more than enough for the moment. So, I won't be buying another for a minute, I swear.
• Being super critical of yourself is tiresome. It is a habit that I have decided must go in 2015. I need to cut myself some slack on a lot of things. I 
• It is very hard to not feel negatively towards anyone who see or hears #BlackLivesMatter and feels the need to interject with #AllLivesMatter. Because if you do not see why the first is relevant, you are so lost. Yes, all lives matter but the police are only executing Black people and leaving their blood and bodies on the streets for hours. I've lost respect for so many of my former classmates who have shown their true colors in the last few months on FB. But, it also helps cut my friends list down. I have no problem unfriending, deleting, unfollowing people I know in real life on social media. 
• Today has been a bad hair day. Isabella (my hair) is being unruly and rude. I do not like it. Bad hair days affect my mood in the worst way. 
• I started another blog. It's private and password protected. I need that space to get some things off my chest. I am purging. And, I do not need everyone knowing these particular thoughts. It feels great to get them out though. 
• My friends are hilarious. I cannot stop laughing at "pass the peas like we used to do" which is a quote from the show "Martin." It makes no sense but it has had me giggling for days. Laughter is chicken soup for the soul.

• Strangely enough, my sleeping patterns has improved tremendously. I am so thankful for that. I needed this.
• I am missing the old Kanye. Been listening to his entire catalogue (sans Yeezy because it sucks) all year. I am not a fan of his new song. The sentiment is cute, the lyrics are nice but the song is mediocre at best. I am concerned about the direction he is moving in musically. It makes me sad. 
• The moment you realize that your prayers have been answered and your feelings have changed is a great one. Especially because you know that without it, you would have been in line for more heartache. I am thankful.
• I hate to admit how scared I am about so many things. Especially my uncertain, cloudy future. I don't like this feeling. But, I do not know how to shake them. 
• I cannot remember the last time I was told I love you by a certain someone. I don't know why it's bothering me so much today. Because it really doesn't matter anymore. I used to think that love was a forever type of thing. I've learned that forever means different things to different folks. In the words of Jazmine Sullivan, "forever doesn't last too long these days."
• I want to go on a trip somewhere. Not an international one but to a city I've never been for a few days. I need a break from everyone and everything I know and am used to. 

Throw It In The Bag II

I have fallen head over heels for lipsticks. This is a new love. I cannot stop myself from buying a new one every single time I enter a store. It's my latest habit. I realized that I seem to buy shades in the purple, pink and burgundy family. I think they are my favorites because they look so good against my brown skin. I have been searching for this one lippie for months now. I finally found it last week. I was so happy, especially because I had 2 coupons which would be $7 off!! The shade is Revlon ColorBurst Matte Balm in Shameless. It is the most perfect shade of purple. I am in love with it. I am glad that I purchased 2 of these when I had the chance because the racist remarks of the CEO of Revlon means that I will not be supporting this brand any further. I am sickened by his stupid and ignorant words. That won't stop me from loving this lipstick though. Great purple shade for a brown skinned Black girl.  

Wet 'N Wild Cinnamon Spice is a lipstick I picked up on a whim. I wasn't sure if I was really going to like it. Plus, I had a coupon so it was cheap. Imagine my surprise when I really liked it. It has more of an orange undertone and I think it works well for me. 

NYC's Violet Shine is a pink lipstick that I have to get used to. It's a tad bit more metallic than I would like. I mixed it with a brown lipstick that I already had. It made a new shade that I liked more. Someone got this for me so I want to make sure I use it.

Maybelline's Brazen Berry is a lipstick that I had to hunt down for a while. I was so excited to find it. I thought it would be more purple on my lips but it's lilac in color for me. I still love it. This is definitely one of my absolute favorite shades. I always feel happy when I wear it. 

And, finally a new fave has to be Wet N' Wild's Cherry Bomb. I love it because it is a deep burgundy shade. It reminds me of NYC's Mahogany. I absolutely love the way it looks on me. I wear this at least once a week. It never fails to get me compliments. I promise that I won't purchase anymore lipsticks for a while. Well, with one exception, if I find the Wet 'N Wild's Sugar Plum Fairy, I have to buy it. Other than that, I am done for a while. I will wear and enjoy all the lippie's I've purchased over the last few months. What's your newest favorite lipstick? Tell me about it. What's in your makeup bag, ladies?

Ladies Love Lyrics: Erykah Badu "Green Eyes"

It's ten minutes long and could never be a single. But, Erykah Badu's "Green Eyes" is essentially three songs wrapped in one. The beat changes three times. The lyrics are intoxicating. This has been one of my favorite by Badu since "Mama's Gun" dropped. I was reminded of its brilliance when it played on my Spotify radio a few minutes ago. Great song that everyone can relate to. I love that it is so dope that you never realize that it is ten minutes long. Great piece by Badu. PErfect choice for my "Ladies Love Lyrics" posts. Get into the lyrics and video below. 

"My eyes are green

Cause I eat a lot of vegetables

It don't have nothing to do with your new friend

My eyes are green

Cause I eat a lot of vegetables

It don't have nothing to do with your new friend

I don't care, I swear

I'm too thru with you I am

You don't mean nothing to me

So go ahead and be with your friend

My eyes are green

Cause I eat a lot of vegetables

It don't have nothing to do with your new friend

My eyes are green

Cause I eat a lot of vegetables

It don't have nothing to do with your new friend

I'm insecure

But I can't help it

My mind says move on

My heart lags behind

But I don't love you any more

I'm so insecure

Never knew that love did this

Ooh, ooh

I can't remember the last time I felt this way

About somebody

You've done something to my mind

And I can't control it

But I don't love you any more

Yes I do, I think

Loving you is wrong baby

Ooh, ooh

La-di-da

Dum-dee-da-da

Dum-didi-da-da-da

Dum-didi-da-dum-di

I'm so confused

You tried to trick me yeah

Ooh, ooh, oh

Never knew that love could hurt like this

Never thought I would but I got dissed

Makes me feel so sad and hurt inside

Feel embarrased so I want to hide

Silly me I thought your love was true

Change my name to Silly E. Badu

Before I heal, it's gonna be a while

I know it's gonna be a while, chile

I hope it's not too late

Too late, too late, too late

Feeling insecure

Your love has got me sore

I don't want no more

Oh, oh

It's too late, oh, oh ooh, ooh

I'm sorry I love you

At first it was cool

You told me you loved me too, ooh

And then you lost your love

And then you lost your love

And then you lost your love

You wanted me to go away

But I can't go

See I can't leave, it's too late

I can't leave, it's too late

I can't leave, it's too late

I can't leave, it's too late

Just make love to me

Just one more time and then you'll see

I can't believe I made a desparate plea

Believe me yeah, ye-ah, no, oh

You see I can't leave, it's too late

I can't leave, it's too late

Don't you know, I can't leave, it's too late

Can't go no where, no

It's too late

It's too late

It's too late

It's too late yeah

Come on babe

Don't you want to be strong with me

You told me we could have a family

Want to run to me when you're down and low

But times get tough and there you go

Out the door, you wanna run again

Open your arms and you'll come back in

Wanna run cause you say your afraid, afraid

Never knew what a friendship was

Never knew how to really love

You can't be what I need you to

And I don't know why I fuck with you

I know our love will never be the same

But I can't stand the growing pains."

Colorful Epiphany

As I watched the night sky light up in colorful bursts of lights, I was filled with so much hope and happiness. It's been a really long time since I felt like this. I've never been one to believe in that whole "new year, new me" slogan that folks throw around. I simply always want to be working towards being a better version of the woman I was last year. I want to be more. That has always been my only real resolution. But, this felt different. Instead of getting down on myself about things/goals I haven't accomplished yet or people/things I've lost, I silently gave thanks for all the blessings in my life. I may not be in the position I ultimately desire but I'm still here. That means I still have time to get it all and more. That was the lesson the last few years taught me. There is no progression when I allow myself to wallow in the shade that disappointment brings. I finally feel like I am standing in the sun. 

I feel so much more like myself today than I have in a really long time. I am ready to make the moves necessary for me to truly live my life. I have no clue what is coming but I know it will be amazing. Because God said so. All the tears I've cried have been watering the seeds that were planted. I cannot wait to receive my bounty.What I want most is a life that is as colorful, bright and lively as the fireworks I witnessed that night. Simply put, I want to shine. And, I will. That is a promise I am making to myself for myself. It may not be what others expect it to be but it will be mine and it will be amazing. That's my word. I resolve to be the best version of myself. I am ready for 2015!

2015

🎉Happy New Year 🎉!! It is 2015 and I am ready to attack it. I am looking forward to achieving all my goals and having all my dreams come true. I have already claimed it. I plan on making it a standout year. 2015 will be a stellar chapter in the book of my life. I feel it deep in my soul. I want so much and deserve so much more. I am thankful for making it through to see this year. I know that there is greatness ahead for me. Whatever my path may be, I will take it with joy in my heart and a smile on my face. I hope the same for all of you. Happy New Year, beautiful people! Let's make 2015 everything that we want it to be!!