The List

There are so many things I want to work on in this my 35th year. I decided to come up with a list of things I will and will not be doing as a 35 year old Black woman. I want so many things out of life. But, I know the only way to get them is to work on this list of things. I am my own worst enemy. This is my life and I deserve the world so I'm going to get it. By any means necessary. Get into my list.

1. Talking down to myself. 
2. Second guessing myself.
3. No more word vomit. 
4. I'll no longer feel sorry for myself about one specific thing.
5. I won't compare my life/story to any other person.
6. I won't stay up late at night contemplating the universe.
7. I won't look back anymore. What's done is done.
8. Even if I'm having a bad hair day, I won't complain about my natural hair.
9. I won't get a relaxer (perm).
10. I will no longer say "I'm ok" or "I'm fine" when I am not. 
11. I won't hang onto the possibility of things. 
12. I will no longer pretend that I'm not feeling what I'm feeling.
13. I will no longer hide.
14. I won't pretend with anyone anymore. If I do not like you, sorry for you.
15. I will no longer compromise my feelings for anyone else.
16. I will not shed another tear over people/places/things that wouldn't do the same for me.
17. I will no longer write about my past.
18. *Things I will do* Laugh more.
19. Be more social and less active on social media.
20. Be more prayerful.
21. Read my Bible more.
22. Complain less.
23. Compliment people randomly.
24. Go to bed earlier so I can sleep more.
25. I will own every single thing that happens to me, for me, because of me. 
26. I will jump head first into the next big thing.
27. I will ask for what I want and go after everything I deserve.
28. I will smile and enjoy my life more.
29. Write something daily. 
30. I will step out on faith in all areas. 
31. Clean out my closets, literally and figuratively. 
32. Love me more. 
33. Appreciate and love on the people who came into my life and stayed.
34. I will exude my Black Girl Magic everywhere I go. 
35. I will be unapologetic about being myself in all arenas. 

About 2013...

If you've been following my blog, I am sure you've noticed a change in me this year. I've been sad most of this year. Those emotions have spilled over into everything I've touched. That is a negative for me. It's something I could not control. I did not care for it or how I've been this year. In looking back, I do not like what I see. I believe that 2013 was a character development year for me. I was humbled in some ways. I was broken and forced to take a good in depth look at who Kenda really is. Introspective for life, indeed. I wrote a lot, maybe even too much. I worked through a lot of things this year. I had to deal with myself in a way that I wasn't truly prepared for. 2013 was a challenging year on multiple levels. 

I learned so much about myself this year. Some lessons were tougher than others because I was blindsided. I've realized I am far more vulnerable to certain things and people than I knew. I didn't think I would make it. Didn't think that this pain and hurt would ever go away. I won't say that I'm 100% better. But, I don't cry at the drop of a hat anymore. I've dismissed the idea that I have to be a "Strong Black woman" because fuck that. I am human. I do not have to be strong. I allowed myself to wallow in my brokenness. I am ok with that decision because I needed it. I realized that I tied my future plans to another person and that was wrong. I am the only person responsible for making me happy and making things happen. No one else will make sure that I am ok, taken care of, loved and protected. I am my own biggest fan and supporter. I knew this before but my vision was cloudy for a moment. 

I've made some huge decisions for 2014. There are dreams that had to be reassessed and/or thrown out. Some don't work in my world anymore. I'm not completely ok with that but I am praying I will be. There are certain things that I need to happen in the following year. December has been very good to me, mentally, emotionally and physically. I've felt more like myself this month than I have all year. I love that. I'm excited about my future again. I think that dark cloud has lifted cause I can see the sun shining again. Nothing but positivity from me from now own. I've written out my plan and I've prayed on it. I am certain that the things I am asking the Creator for already belong to me. So, in summation, 2013 was literally a trash year, one I will gladly forget. But, the outlook for 2014 is huge and bright and sunny. All good things are going to make their way to me . I can just feel it. I wish the same for any one reading this! Happy New Year!!

Statistically Speaking

As far back as I can remember, I never wanted to be grouped with the majority. I never wanted to be a statistic. It's the reason I was a virgin all through high school. I didn't want to be a teenage mother. More specifically, I did not want to be a Black teen mom. There were too many of them around me. I wanted more, desired more. College was always in my future because I knew the world was bigger than my neighborhood. I wanted more than just a high school diploma. Education was a drug to me. I craved it.

For years, I wanted to be the opposite of what society said I should and could only be. I'm ok with that. I know who I am. I do believe that my intelligence  is one of my greatest traits. But, it has more to do with things I've taught myself. I value knowledge and the people who are always on the hunt for more. In my pursuit to be the anti-version of Black women splashed all over reality shows and the like, I realized something significant. I've been running away from some specific statistics that I've unwittingly landed in another one: I'm 30+, single, never been married, childless, Black woman. I'm suddenly a damn statistic! And, clearly, I'm not happy about it.

I'm days away from my 34th birthday. I'm depressed about this approaching age. Why? Because none of the dreams I had for 34 have come to fruition. The entire theme for this year can be summed up on one word: adrift. It's the only way to describe it. The realization that I am a statistic makes me sad. It makes me average, like everyone else. That is something I've never been comfortable with. Maybe there is a plan for me to not be trapped in this particular statistic. Who knows? But, I do find the irony in this entire blog. Sometimes I believe that my own worst enemy is no further than the reflection in the mirror. Anyway, these are just my thoughts.