Last night was just plain awful. First, I couldn't sleep. Then, finally I could but it was bad. When peaceful sleep alludes you, what do you do? I spent last night tossing and turning. I had weird dreams that freaked me out. It just wasn't in the cards for me to sleep peacefully. This leads to me waking up on the proverbial wrong side of the bed. I'm in a bad mood clearly. I really hate it to. Especially because there is no one to blame. I just woke up this way. I'm still tired but can't sleep.
I have to find a way to shake this mood. I think I'll go get a pedicure. That always helps. This has not been the best week. I could definitely use a massage. My neck/shoulder area is tight. I know that's where tension is carried. I just really want to pull the comforter over my head, close my eyes and will myself to sleep for about 5 more hours. Maybe going back to sleep will help me wake up on the sunny side of the bed. If not, today will be bad. And, I've had enough bad for a lifetime. I'm rambling now because I'm sleep deprived, people. Anyway, going to attempt to jump into my plan of action. It's 10:32am and I really don't want my whole day to continue this way. Praying for a better night!
That is the question. How do we forgive and forget? Forgiveness. It's an 11 letter word that means so much. It is defined as being "disposition or willingness to forgive." The act of forgiving is huge. But, forgiving is not about the person who hurt, harmed, or wronged you. Forgiving is about you. To be able to forgive is an enormous feat. It takes a lot out of a person to forgive. But forgiveness is one of the best gifts one can give to themselves. Forgiveness is a not a right but a must.
Forgiveness is a long, twisty, and winding road. I know this from experience. But, on day, I had an epiphany. I released that holding onto that hurt was eating away at me. The person who hurt me had moved on. They were over it. Where did that leave me and my hurt feelings? No where. Exactly. That day, I decided to no longer hold grudges. It makes no sense. Why hold on to the pain? I just let go. It was the best feeling in the world to know that I was in charge of how I would feel. This was
I think we all forget that forgiveness is not about the person who wronged you. Forgiveness is for yourself. It takes up so much emotional energy to hold onto that anger. It eats you up inside. Holding grudges isn't healthy at all. We all get so caught up in focusing on what a person has done to us. I have forgiven those who hurt me. I forgave them for my own sanity. Forgive them for yourself. It's the only way to exist.
That's the question I've been asking myself for the last 2 weeks. What's wrong? I really don't know. Maybe it's a little bit of everything. Stress. Fear. Lack of many things. Overindulgence in everything. It's as if my problem is everything and nothing at the same time. I'm very tense these days. No easy and quick way to solve them either.
I'm not a woman who cries. It's just not what I do. I hate it to be honest. So, imagine my surprise, when crying has been my only viable outlet for the last two weeks. I mean what is this about?!? I cried a total of 5 times in 2 days last week. That's beyond abnormal for me. It was weird. I literally sat in the tub & cried for 20 minutes. It was a deep, body shaking, shortness of breath, quiet cry. I couldn't stop myself. And when I was done, I felt a little better. But, I think my biggest issue is the fact that I'm the person people tell their problems to. I'm not the woman who shares her issues with others. I internalize everything. I deal with me because it's the way I've been all my life. It's hard to let people inside of my head & heart. I know that's fear. I also know I'm protecting myself from pain.
I think that I needed to cry. I needed to release all of that from inside of me. By holding so much inside of me, I was hurting me. I'm trying to find a way to stop carrying the world on my shoulders. It's not an easy feat. But, I'm confident that I can do it. I don't wanna have any more tear filled baths. It takes too much out of me. Crying is a normal bodily function. Not crying is not. I know this. I'm still a work in progress. Constantly working on becoming the best me I can be....tears and all lol.
