I'm the Girl..

I’ve said it before. I’ll say it again. I’m the girl. The one you claim to love, claim to need. The one you say you see a future with . The one who gets you like no other. The one who loves you like no other one ever has or ever will. The one who makes you laugh and think. The one who challenges everything you thought you knew. Yeah, I’m her. That girl. 

The woman who introduces you to really dope music and art. Artists and literature. The one who can debate politics and pole tricks with the same intensity and facts. The one who looks innocent but is really freaky as fuck. Classy but a little bit hood. A proper speaking ebonically correct woman. The girl who always has your back and defends you fiercely. The same girl who loved you with her whole entire heart. I’m her. The good and the bad, the happy and the sad. Sunshine mixed with a little hurricane. Smart with a slick mouth. Complex. 

And, still, it wasn’t enough to make you stay. And, that one true statement will haunt the girl for years. It will mess with her spirit and her heart daily. Mostly nightly. Wondering why. Until the girl has an epiphany. You weren’t the one. You could not have been her happily ever after because you left. So, of course it wouldn’t work. The girl finally gets it. You couldn’t be the one because you never were. The girl smiles no longer heartbroken or sad. She gets it. She is me. I am her. 

Mixed Drinks

Seriously.

Who knew feelings would become so damn complicated post 30?! I just knew I would have that portion of the program figured out. But, I also thought I would be a wife & mom to at least 2 by this age. Clearly, I was totally wrong about all of it. Love & relationships aren’t really meant to be this damn complex for the 30 & over crowd. We’re supposed to have learned so much from our 20’s. And, granted, I’ve learned a lot. But, the greatest lesson came when I was 33 & I still don’t really know what the purpose was.

It’s difficult for me to admit failure in regards to aspects of my life plans. I hate for folks to say that it’s just being delayed. It doesn’t help me. I’m still behind on things want out of life. This is why I say that “feelings suck, avoid them at all costs.” I care too much. I feel too much. I fall too deep. And, clearly I’ve chosen the wrong men. So, now what?

The truth is I’m afraid to feel something. Afraid to open my heart and life to anyone new. Mainly because I could be hurt again. I know that this isn’t living. I am trying my best to get back to that place where I thought love was possible. I have to if I want to have any chance at having my own family. I know it’s going to take some faith on my part. I’m doing the work. I’ll figure it out when it’s time,when the right one makes his presence known. That’s all I can do, right? For the moment, I'll continue to sip this drink and think. 

My Poetry Corner XVII: Poetry Inspired By The Clock

"1:43 am"

A dream awakens me 

Now I’m yearning for the relief only you can bring 

Need to hear your voice, feel your touch 

It’s been far too long since you’ve told me to cum for you 

I need it, need you 

Fingertips glide over wet lips 

Slowly touching the innermost piece of me 

All soft and pink and tight and wet 

It’s your name on my lips as my fingertips bring me closer to ecstasy 

Your voice I hear in my head 

Hard nipples and shallow breaths  

As my fingers go in dry and come out wet  

I am chasing your voice to euphoria 

My body is hot 

I need this release 

Have to do this 

I curse as my leg starts to shake 

Run my thumb over my clit pretending it’s yours 

Panting your name while fucking myself 

I can hear you so clearly talking to me 

coaxing my orgasm from me while I quiver deeply 

"That’s it sweetheart" and then with you in mind, it occurs  

my soul shakes and I am calling out your name 

Sleep comes quickly and I meet you in my dreams 

I guess anything is better than a reality where you no longer exist

********************************************************************************

"2 am..." 

It's 2 o'clock in the morning & I cannot sleep. 

It's 2 o'clock in the morning & all I'm really craving right now is you.  

Your very sleepy voice saying my name. 

That thought really shouldn't comfort me the way it does. 

I am very good at faking how I'm feeling when it comes to you. 

I pray all the time to be free from the ache of you. 

I don't like being this woman. 

I feel less than more often than I should. 

It's been way too long and I should be totally over you, right? 

I shouldn't want you anymore.  

The memory of who you were to me shouldn't haunt me. 

Loving you should be past tense. 

But, it's 2 o'clock in the morning & you're the only person on my mind. 

I can't figure out if this is my definition of heaven or hell. 

Ladies Love Lyrics: K. Michelle's "Hard To Do"

K. Michelle released her sophomore cd "Anybody Wanna Buy A Heart" this week. I am no fan of hers, mainly because of her horrible attitude on "Love & Hip Hop Atlanta." But, I cannot deny, the woman can sing. I gave AWBAH a listen because I love "Maybe I Should Call." I enjoyed the whole project. But, I instantly connected to "Hard To Do." It's my favorite song on the cd. The song sample's Total's "Kissing You" which was one of my favorite songs growing up. The hook and chorus are the parts that cemented it for me. This one has already gotten a lot of play in my house. Get into this song and these lyrics.  

"Cause what you gon do
When I put that pretty thing on you?
I usually don't do this,
But I'll do it for you.

[Chorus:]
Oh, baby cause...
Missing you is way too hard to do.
I'd rather be fucking you.
Do you mind if I give you love?
Cause I just wanna give you love.
Won't you tell me if I'm doing too much?
Missing you is way too hard to do.

Lately I've been in my feelings.
Dealing with the daily thoughts of missing you.
I ain't dialing but my body's calling for ya,
breaking down.
Gotta give it to you..."

My Poetry Corner XVI: "I Told God"

I was reading my Bible this morning

Romans 8:18-27 and I came across something.
There it was in my signature purple ink
my name alongside yours written across the edge of the page.
I write on everything and this isn't the first time 
I’ve found your name in my books
But, this was different, it was in my Bible.
next to the words of God.
I loved you so much I told God about you
I prayed for you.

I wrote down my feelings about you.
Seeing your name in this sacred place haunts me.
Because how could I be so wrong about a love that felt so right?
I put your name in my Bible along with my thoughts, hopes, & dreams.
Because I thought we were meant to be, supposed to last, that forever kind of love.
We did not and now we are past tense.
Now, I'm sitting here cutting your name of this page
Because it no longer feels like home.
It no longer belongs to me.
I still pray for you.
That’s how I know it was real.

                                    -- Kenda

      

Get Into It: Quote Dump

This is just a dump of things I've read recently that I cannot shake. I guess they were things I needed to read to accept the reality of my current situation. I decided to share because you never know who's going through a similar situation. Get into it. 

                                         

My Poetry Corner XV: "Past Tense"

I used to miss you so much that it hurt to breathe

But, I’m breathing more freely these days

I never thought a day would come when I  

wouldn’t be hopelessly and crazy in love with you

but you cured me of that

So when the day comes that me loving you is past tense

you’ll have no one to blame but yourself

and that is the saddest part of it all.

Securely Vulnerable

"Well, I hope one day you find someone with whom you can be securely vulnerable." - Shay

The other night I was scrolling my Tumblr dashboard when my girl Shay dropped the above reply and it floored me. The discussion was about Black men being vulnerable with their women. That they need to be able to show emotion, weakness within their relationships. The phrase "securely vulnerable" is one that stood out to me. Vulnerability is something that I wrestle with because of how much you have to trust the people in your life with your somewhat fragile heart. The word vulnerable is defined as "easily hurt or harmed physically, mentally or emotionally; open to attack, harm, or damage. Being in love is the act of leaving yourself vulnerable to pain but trusting your lover to not do so. The act of being vulnerable with anyone is one that takes a lot of courage and heart. 

 

To me saying "I love you" is one of the biggest acts of vulnerability. Because loving someone opens you up to the possibility of getting your heart broken and getting hurt. And, to me, those two are the worst kind of emotional pain I have ever experienced. Loving people, openly and honestly, takes courage. It takes faith. Being vulnerable is not something that I . I think vulnerability is a trait that we all should aspire to. Yes, there is a risk but the reward is so much higher. I call my being vulnerability "soft and pink" because I feel like it is the most girly part of me. It's the part of me that is sensitive. To me, being securely vulnerable in a relationship is the most amazing thing. I've only achieved this once in my 34 years. The idea of that level of vulnerability seems daunting to try to achieve again. While I had it, I was totally enveloped in it. I thrived in it. I wondered how I lived without it. Now, that I do not have it anymore, I ache for it. The thought of it makes me happysad. Honestly, it's something I want again but this time I won't let it slip away. I want nothing more than to be securely vulnerable.

My Poetry Corner XIV: Pieces I Cannot Finish

**2:36 a.m.**

In all honesty, you broke me to fix yourself
And where is the righteousness in that?

**************************************************************************

**Choosing...**

That’s what love is
Consciously choosing each other every day
One day when it was time to choose me
You decided not to
That was the beginning of my end
And that’s really the saddest goodbye to a once great love story

*************************************************************************

**Pieces**

There are parts of me that I can never share with another man
because I gave them to you
and you threw them away
discarded my pieces as if they were trash.

Ladies Love Lyrics: Tamia's "Almost"

I'm sitting here listening to Spotify radio while reading. This song comes on and my heart drops. "Almost" has been one of my favorite Tamia song since the day I first heard it. I love Tamia. She is, in my opinion, one of the most slept on great singers of my lifetime. She is that dope to me. Anyway, back to this song. The lyrics have always pulled at my heart. But, tonight, they made me super sad. I know exactly why. How can you not get sad about almost having it all? That's exactly how I'm feeling as I type this. Tamia gets it. The song has been on repeat for 23 minutes and 14 seconds. Don't judge me. Get into these lyrics/ 

"Can you tell me
How can one miss what she's never had
How could I reminisce when there is no past
How could I have memories of being happy with you boy
Could someone tell me how can this be
How could my mind pull up incidents
Recall dates and times that never happened
How could we celebrate a love that's to late
And how could I really mean the words I'm bout to say

[Chorus]
I missed the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there
I miss the times that we use to kiss
At least in my dreams
Just let me take my time and reminisce
I miss the times that we never had
What happened to us we were almost there
Whoever said it's impossible to miss when you never had
Never almost had you

I cannot believe I let you go
Or what I should say I should've grabbed you up and never let you go
I should've went out with you
I should've made you my boo boy
Yes that's one time I should've broke the rules
I should've went on a date
Should've found a way to escape
Should've turned a almost into
If it happened now its to late
How could I celebrate a love that wasn't real
And if it didn't happen why does my heart feel..."

When Insomnia Strikes & Ambien Doesn't Help

Rejection. It's a word we all know. It's a word and a feeling I despise. It's also the reason for this post. I have been thoroughly conflicted about, well, life this year. I had the most prolific epiphany the other day. I've been a heartbroken beautiful mess this year. I did not know how to truly function. Or how to work my way through it. The heartbreak was horrific to me. But, there was another aspect I had not acknowledged until now. It was the rejection that made it sting. I had to sit down and write out the names of every boyfriend I ever had to figure it out. No boy/man had broken up with me since I was 14. I am 33 now. That is literally my entire dating life. I have always been the one who ended things and walked away. It has been my modus operandi, my defense mechanism. I did not want to give any guy the chance to truly hurt me so I left before they could or I caught feelings. No problem, right? Wrong.

That way of living set me up for a great fall. I wasn't prepared for the rejection. It hit me so hard and knocked me on my behind. I know that he may not see it that way but it read as the ultimate rejection. Being rejected by someone you love is awful. I cannot even fully explain it in words. It's just a feeling I don't ever want to feel again. Ever. I can take rejection in other areas in life. I'm strong enough to handle it. But, in love, I cannot. I get it. It's not something I'm used to nor should I be. It is just a part of life that I'd gladly give up. Papi, no mas! Do. Not. Want. It's kind of terrifying the things you learn about yourself in the middle of the night when insomnia strikes and Ambien doesn't help. 

Let Me Tell You A Story in Just 6 Words (Part 2)

It's been a few months since I updated my 6 word story blog here. I've written so much more on my Tumblr page. My 6 word stories have a very obvious theme. Even when I try to deviate from what I label "love sh*t," I always end right back there. The heart only wants to write what it knows. I wanted to share my favorites so far. 

• Not loving you isn't an option.
• Nothing matters more than my feelings. 
• Twice loved, Lost double. No mas.
• Writing takes me away from it.
• It's 3am and I'm missing you.
• There's a story behind these eyes.
• Spending my nights writing my wrongs.
• I wonder about you too often.
• I truly miss belonging to someone.
• So many questions. Not enough answers. 
• You cannot hate what you love.
• Does everything remind you of me?
• Happens at the most inopportune times. 
• Give me all of my secrets back.
• Restless sleep. Haunted dreams. God morning.
• The moment you realize what's real.
• Vulnerability isn't my favorite personality trait. 
• All my stories are about you.
• I cannot deal with the residuals.
• Liking you. Loving you. Losing you.
• I'm fronting, just so you know. 
• Feelings are real but aren't facts.
• Feelings get caught in my throat.
• If I could forget to remember.
• Can someone turn off my thoughts?
• No one wins. We both lose. 

Do You Still Believe In Love?

Short answer: No. 
Negative. 
Nope. 
Nah. 

The long answer is complex. I do not believe in love for myself anymore. I tried. I failed. I'm done. I'm very in touch with my feelings. I don't personally think I could handle being in love again. Being in love is great when you're in it with someone who loves you back. Staying in love is dope. Learning how to cope after the person you're in love with decides not to love you anymore is akin to purgatory. I'm not built for that. The possibility of it ending frightens me too much. I can't deal. 

Love shouldn't bring out fear. But, in my mind, the two are closely related. I can't willingly be open to an emotion that keeps hurting me. And, maybe I wasn't meant for this particular life. Maybe I'm not that girl. As I'm writing this, the tears are flowing. I swear I've never been the weepy one. But, this year & the actuality of losing love has turned me into her. Love doesn't hurt. I know this. But, the person you love can. And, that's the part I won't ever be ok with. I don't want to take a chance anymore. I don't want to talk to you on the phone or text with you. I don't need to get to know you. I won't be having sex with you. Just no. Do. Not. Want. I'm decidedly single for these reasons.

I am keenly aware of the fact that I am broken. Also, that my brokenness is speaking here. People say once your heart has been broken that time will heal you. That, quite frankly, is a load of crap. Once any person has been broken, they are forever broken. They may heal and move on. But, that broken part of them is still there. They learn how to live with the ache. Nothing broken is every put back together the same way. It's not possible. My own views of being in love are warped. I see it through broken lenses. It's tainted and skewed and wrong. But, it's mine, nonetheless. I stand behind my word and my feelings, no matter how offcentered they may be.

I cannot dream of being in love again because I can't get over the love I'm in now. It's been months and I'm still in love with the man who hurt me the most, the man who broke me. So, here I am, a brokenhearted fool who cannot stomach the idea of love. I'm very anti-love, anti-feelings these days. It took me forever to admit how much I really wanted certain things. I really wish I would not have done so. I'm old enough to know some things. And, maybe what I've learned thus far is that love isn't for me. I never dreamed I'd be almost 34 and alone. I just figured that I'd be a wife and a mom by now. Maybe none of that is part of my destiny. Maybe it was never my dream to begin with. Silly me. So, anony, there is your long answer to a short question. 

#31WriteNow: In My Mind

I've had a lot of time to think the last few months. My mind is full of so many thoughts. Most are things I will never verbalize. Could never say. Others are fears that have somehow found their way back to the forefront. I've always been an "in my head" type of person. Thinking & over thinking are two things I have mastered. This is the gift and the curse. Always has been. Especially when it comes to things I don't want to face. Life doesn't have a pause button or a time out option. Things happen, fall apart or go awry daily. The only option is to deal. Find some way to get through that moment.

That's what I've been faced with lately. And, I haven't dealt with things in the best way. I've drank way too much wine and Ciroc. I've cried so much that I feel like my tear ducts should be empty. Sleep no longer knows my name. I've written so many letters that I'll never send. And the worst thing I've done is keep my problems to myself. I can't bring myself to truly talk about what's really bothering me. Because of all the things that life has thrown my way lately, I am not myself. I don't feel like I'm being me. And the reality is how could I? I am different. I am broken in places I can't reach or fix. I feel like I'm standing still, stuck to this spot and the world is on fast forward around me. Everybody is moving, doing, growing. And I'm not doing anything but watching.

I know that things will get better. That there will come a moment where I can feel like I can truly breathe again. When I see that the world is a bright, sunny place again. I know all of that. But, right now, that seems so far away that I can barely imagine it. My heart is heavy. My head hurts. I need a moment. Give me a moment please. A minute to get it together again. I know I'll be just fine one day. I mean, I'm Yolanda's daughter & she did not raise a quitter or a weakling. These are just some of the thoughts floating through my crowded mind. I needed to share it.

#31WriteNow: My Poetry Corner XIII "Written On My Skin"

I've been fighting writing this for months. But, pieces of this poem kept coming to me. Last night, it demanded to be written so I obliged. I've tried to not write about what I'm feeling and going through and failed. I'm not an abstract writer. I have to write what's on my heart. Unfortunately, the only tune in my heart is one about heartbreak and love shit. So, this is what happens when I follow my heart. Hope this piece moves you like it does me. 

I hid inside my words so they wouldn’t see the hurt
I wrote so that my pain wouldn’t touch anyone else 
I wanted to write the sadness away
All I did was expose my soul 
I’m naked on that page, on this blog 
My head hangs low so I don’t have to meet his eyes 
I know he’s watching me from afar
Reading the words scribbled on my milk chocolate skin 

Every inch of my body is a diary entry to him
Every word, each thought came from knowing and loving him
The love, the pain, all the happiness and eventual sadness  

I recorded it all in my heart 
It pumped through my veins
Everything I wrote was for him
Even when I tried not to, especially when I tried not to  

Water can’t wash him off of me 
I’ve tried to scrub the words away
Love doesn’t come off so easily
I stand here covered in these words
no longer ashamed 
Because I took a chance 
I loved him fiercely
and with my whole heart and it didn’t last
So I’ll write about that until it doesn’t hurt anymore