Mixed Drinks

Seriously.

Who knew feelings would become so damn complicated post 30?! I just knew I would have that portion of the program figured out. But, I also thought I would be a wife & mom to at least 2 by this age. Clearly, I was totally wrong about all of it. Love & relationships aren’t really meant to be this damn complex for the 30 & over crowd. We’re supposed to have learned so much from our 20’s. And, granted, I’ve learned a lot. But, the greatest lesson came when I was 33 & I still don’t really know what the purpose was.

It’s difficult for me to admit failure in regards to aspects of my life plans. I hate for folks to say that it’s just being delayed. It doesn’t help me. I’m still behind on things want out of life. This is why I say that “feelings suck, avoid them at all costs.” I care too much. I feel too much. I fall too deep. And, clearly I’ve chosen the wrong men. So, now what?

The truth is I’m afraid to feel something. Afraid to open my heart and life to anyone new. Mainly because I could be hurt again. I know that this isn’t living. I am trying my best to get back to that place where I thought love was possible. I have to if I want to have any chance at having my own family. I know it’s going to take some faith on my part. I’m doing the work. I’ll figure it out when it’s time,when the right one makes his presence known. That’s all I can do, right? For the moment, I'll continue to sip this drink and think. 

Love?

I've been contemplating the idea of well everything. At 35 years old, I thought I would have so many more things figured out in my life. Love being the one I just knew I would have down. But, life has a way of throwing curve balls fast in your direction. The older I get, the more I realize that there is always something new to learn. When I write about love now, I always type it out like this "love?" The question mark is important. The question mark symbolizes all that I do not know or understand. I thought falling in love this last time was the beginning of the rest of my life. That has been bugging me for almost two years now. The fact that I was so incredibly wrong about love. I know what I know and that is a lot of things. But, I'm wise enough to admit that I have so much more knowledge to gain. 

Being in love was an amazing experience. It was the sudden absence of that love which led to me spiraling. That love walking away without rhyme or reason messed me up emotionally. I used to say I love you all the time. Now, I hardly ever do. I’m afraid of love because I’ve been hurt. That is the reality of where I am right now. I do not want that heartbreak to steal another moment from me. It's been too long. I’m over being that version of me. What I've had to admit to myself is that it wasn't meant to be. The future I was planning with the man I love didn't belong to us. It wasn't part of God's plan. I am still very unclear about where I am headed or if marriage and children are even in my cards. There is a saying that "you're either a lesson or a blessing" and I think it applies here. Maybe me loving my ex was both. During, it felt like every blessing I could imagine. Afterwards, it serves as merely a lesson. One I have yet to truly figure out. I do not know what I was supposed to learn from loving someone that much and losing them. I am working my way through this and trying to get a better understanding of what love is. How does it look and how does it feel are important for my future development Right now, I am treating it as an abstract thought. So, it's still love? to me. And, I'm ok with that.

Back Down Memory Lane

When I saw this on Tumblr, it resonated with me instantly. This quote is incredibly true. Our memories have a way of hurting us. We, in general, have a habit of romanticizing history. Memories always seem greater, bigger, better than they actually were. I have a bad habit of strolling down memory lane. Reminiscing over what was is really not healthy. All it does is make me sad all over again. It is a horrible habit I haven't figured out how to shake just yet. There is a time and place for everything, even reminiscing. Memory lane IS a terrible place to visit if you are still in your feelings about the situation. Which is my current situation. I try my best not to go there but I cannot help it. I end up there way too frequently. It's a problem.

There are things that literally hurt to remember. They were good times that don't exist anymore. The ache of a moment can kill you. I try very hard to not visit memory lane. It takes me to a place I no longer reside. Memories are great when you are far removed from them and your feelings are no longer an issue. I am so not there yet. I want to be though. I pray for that deliverance daily. I'd like to not feel anything about a lot of things in my past. I no longer want to cry about things that have happened in my life. I want to be so far removed from those memories that I can smile and let it go. I can think about my Dad, who died almost 16 years ago, without crying. But, it took me years to get there. In general, I know that my  head and heart both work at their own pace. That quote about memory lane really stuck with me. I think I would be a better version of myself if I stopped visiting it. I cannot move forward if my head is always stuck on what was. This is more about keeping myself accountable. Memory lane is not a place one can reside. Focusing on the future great memories that I will make allows me a peace I cannot quantify. 

Faking It Til You Make: The Music Version

For the last month and a half, I've been playing this one song daily. It's a motivational tool for me. One of those "fake it til you make it" moments. It also happens to be one of my favorite Boyz II Men songs. It's "Doin Just Fine" from their "Evolution" cd. I've always thought this was the ultimate "I'm finely over the person who broke my heart songs." While I'm not there yet, this song gives me hope. I find it ironic that this is the first song on the cd and it is followed by "Never" which is another song that has been getting a lot of play in my world. The lyrics for both are things I feel I need to hear daily so that I don't completely check out on certain aspects of life. Especially on today of all days. Today is a bad day. But, music makes it slightly better. If you've never heard them, do yourself a favor and get into them (and their lyrics) below. If you've ever been brokenhearted, these songs will resonate with you on a deeper level. Let's listen.

"I'm doin' just fine 
Getting along very well 
Without you in my life 
I don't need you in my life 
I'm doin' just fine 
Time made me stronger 
You're no longer on my mind 

You were my earth 
My number one priority 
I gave me love to only you 
Anything you'd ask of me 
I would do 
But somewhere down the road 
You felt a change in the weather 
And told me that you had to journey on 
A kiss in the wind and your love was gone..."

"Never, never let a broken heart
Take a chance for love away
Don't ever let it make you fall apart
Never, never ever let the pain
Take your need for love away
Never, no never

And I know it seems hard
Open up, let down your guard
But you owe it to your heart
Try again
Oh, comes a time
When we must change
With the past
Has thrown away
Don't take the blame
Don't be ashamed
Throw your fears away..."