If you've been following my blog, I am sure you've noticed a change in me this year. I've been sad most of this year. Those emotions have spilled over into everything I've touched. That is a negative for me. It's something I could not control. I did not care for it or how I've been this year. In looking back, I do not like what I see. I believe that 2013 was a character development year for me. I was humbled in some ways. I was broken and forced to take a good in depth look at who Kenda really is. Introspective for life, indeed. I wrote a lot, maybe even too much. I worked through a lot of things this year. I had to deal with myself in a way that I wasn't truly prepared for. 2013 was a challenging year on multiple levels.
I learned so much about myself this year. Some lessons were tougher than others because I was blindsided. I've realized I am far more vulnerable to certain things and people than I knew. I didn't think I would make it. Didn't think that this pain and hurt would ever go away. I won't say that I'm 100% better. But, I don't cry at the drop of a hat anymore. I've dismissed the idea that I have to be a "Strong Black woman" because fuck that. I am human. I do not have to be strong. I allowed myself to wallow in my brokenness. I am ok with that decision because I needed it. I realized that I tied my future plans to another person and that was wrong. I am the only person responsible for making me happy and making things happen. No one else will make sure that I am ok, taken care of, loved and protected. I am my own biggest fan and supporter. I knew this before but my vision was cloudy for a moment.
I've made some huge decisions for 2014. There are dreams that had to be reassessed and/or thrown out. Some don't work in my world anymore. I'm not completely ok with that but I am praying I will be. There are certain things that I need to happen in the following year. December has been very good to me, mentally, emotionally and physically. I've felt more like myself this month than I have all year. I love that. I'm excited about my future again. I think that dark cloud has lifted cause I can see the sun shining again. Nothing but positivity from me from now own. I've written out my plan and I've prayed on it. I am certain that the things I am asking the Creator for already belong to me. So, in summation, 2013 was literally a trash year, one I will gladly forget. But, the outlook for 2014 is huge and bright and sunny. All good things are going to make their way to me . I can just feel it. I wish the same for any one reading this! Happy New Year!!
Hi, my name is Kenda and I am a sap. I can admit this now. The word describes me adequately. I am what I am. When you are the oldest of 6 siblings, being soft or weak is clearly not an option. Yes, I am a woman. but, I am also the older sister who held things down and together. I was never big on being overly emotional, especially in public. I was always so closed off when it came to actually showing emotions that I could not control. Letting go of that has lightened the load on my shoulders. I have never been so
The older I have get, the more that has changed. I'm sure that it has more to do with the mental, emotional state I am currently in. I am now the woman who will cry while watching a sappy movie or tv show. Of course, music still resonates deeply with me. I get so teary eyed when my nephews (Kendrick, Philip, Kameran & Kole) and my nieces (Karmen & Kylah) tell me they love me. It's something about being an Auntie that has softened me. I never knew that such small people could capture so much of my heart. Their words affect me. When they call me and say "Teedy Kenda, I miss you" it makes my heart smile.
Introspection can be so freeing. I am still not that comfortable with crying in public. But, I will cry in front of my people. I cannot help it when I get overwhelmed emotionally. I have learned that I cannot carry everything inside of me. I believe that all of this makes me more feminine, more womanly. A lot of things and people have softened me. I like the way it feels to just allow myself to feel. Feeling and going with it is just wonderful. So, yes, I'm a sap. I blush when complimented, I cry when being told I love you, my eyes get filled with tears when i watch romantic comedies. That's just who I am. A huge sap. I am more than alright with that.
There are things about myself that are unchangeable. My Father being a revolving door character in my life is one. They say that a girls first love is her father. In my life, this was so true. I was such a Daddys girl. He was the light of my life. I was his twin. A little chocolate colored version of Kenneth. I never knew how far away from those feelings I would get.
My parents married young at 19 & 20 years old. In hindsight, my Father was not ready for the family he had. By the time my brother Kendrick was born (almost 6 years after me), the marriage was irretrievably broken. They had failed at marriage. My Mom moved forward. My Father would become, for the next 12 years, an elusive figure in my life. He was never really around for any of scholarly accomplishments. He did not contribute financially or emotionally. My Mom worked 2 & 3 jobs to provide for my brother & I. I became disillusioned with my Father. The love fest was over. I did not understand how he could feel good living his life when his kids were struggling. He always seemed so nonchalant about it all.
His Houdini-like acts always left me angry and emotional. By the time I got to high school, my relationship with him was laughable. I challenged him at every given chance. I loved him but had no respect for him. I just didn't understand how he could claim to love us but not do anything to help us survive. He was not the man I once believed him to be. That saddened me on so many levels. In between all of this, I called myself falling in love. I did not have a clue as to what that was or about. I thank my Father to my distorted views.
The bottom line was that I needed him and he wasn't available. He didn't school me on boys or life or love. But I learned major lessons by watching his actions. I was broken then and didn't know it. His thoughtless action caused deep seeded consequences. I'm old enough to recognize it now. I took his nonchalantness as callous and careless. He simply did not care. How could he not care about his firstborn, his daughter? I did not comprehend that.
My Father not being in my house growing up affected me negatively. His not being a constant presence in my life made me feel less than. It took me a long time to admit any of this. I think that I am a better woman for recognizing the problem. I'm not searching for a Father figure in a man. I was blessed with a few great Father-like men in my life. My Father, who came from his own dysfunctional family, did the best he could. I do not hold it against him anymore. I'm not angry at him. I just know how differently if must do things for my kids to break the cycle. Father's are a huge part of a child's life. They are needed in the house and in their life. All children deserve that.
The "What if's" are a strange game I sometimes play in my head. I'm not a woman who suffers from insecurity normally. I am very comfortable with me and confident in me. but, we all have those fleeting moments when we think the worst of ourselves. The question that always comes to me doing these moments is "What if I'm not enough?" That statement is frightening to me. My self worth means everything to me. I do think very highly of myself. It's not about me being conceited, I'm just confident in myself. I thank my mother for that.
I know alot but I don't know everything. It's possibly woven into my DNA to take care of people, to mother situations. However, the converse side of this is the fact that I have an issue with letting others take care of me. I do not know how to relax enough to allow this. I will say that I am getting much better in this aspect. But, I think I let others expectations of me weigh too heavily on me. When I sit and think of all the things that I haven't done or haven't experienced, it becomes overwhelming. The crazy thing is I'm my own toughest critic. I know this. No one in my life can be harder on me than I will ever be. I know for the people in my life who love me I'm enough. Logically, I know this. They love me for me and in spite of my shortcomings. They made a conscious choice to love me. That is a great feeling. Sometimes I get myself so worked up over things in life that I have no control over.
There are days when I want to do nothing more than snuggle deeper into the comforter while closing the world out. I have so many questions about everything. I know that I will never know the answers to them all. I struggle with choices endlessly until I make them. I don't want to be hurt nor do I want to hurt anyone in this process. It literally breaks my heart when I feel as though I've caused someone I love pain. I've been on the receiving end of that and it wasn't a great feeling. I always remember that. I believe it makes me more conscious of that behavior.
So what about these fleeting moments of self doubt that I have? I know that its something that comes and goes. I don't dwell on them too much. I can't. I would never get anything else done. I just calm myself down with these few thoughts. I am the best me that I can be right now. I am working on getting to my greatest self. Everything I've done or not done has made me into the woman I am right now. I know that things in my life could've gone all the way left but I made the right decisions. I cannot change my past but my future lies only within me. I think that is a great thing. Sometimes we all have to just look in the mirror and say "I Love Me for me" and just believe in that thought.
I'm not perfect. No where near it. None of us are. I have never wanted to get to my definition of perfect anyway. I am complex and intricate and simple all rolled into one. I love me and am still growing. I am the epitome of a work in progress. My complexity can be a bit much. I know this. But I also know that I'm a woman who's worth the wait, the effort and will always be that woman. All of that makes me think of the song from "Dreamgirls," "I am changing. Trying every way I can. I am changing, I'll be better than I am. I'm hoping to work it out and I know that I can." This describes me in this moment.
I'm working on me. Taking the time to watch the information I take in. I'm eliminating a lot of reality tv as well as the entire genre of urban lit books. I'm getting into motivational literature. I feel like that genre will be more beneficial to my life. I'm still reading the Bible. This also helps with the exploration of my spirituality. I'm intrigued by so many spiritual and religious aspects of life. This def falls in line with my intense thirst for knowledge. I crave it because I need it.
I'm more insightful now. I'm speaking my life into existence. I am careful with my thoughts and my words. I'm trying my best to eliminate curse words. They aren't necessary. Even if they feel good coming put of my mouth when someone deserves to be read. All of these things are a struggle. The immature pieces of me, which are very few, are being weeded out. I think I've been more adult and mature all of my life because of the childhood I had. I was my mom's backup. That girl can no longer reside inside the woman I'm meant to become. So she has to go. And, I am more than ok with that. I need to let go to move towards my future.
I know I think too much. I am very conscious and cautious with my life and the decisions that I make. I've never been very spontaneous or even rowdy. I'm the oldest and that mothering spirit has been a part of me since birth I believe. I've never really let loose or lost control or just simply wilded out. Nor do I want to do any of that. I'm all about forward progression. I'm letting go of all the things in my past that are keeping me from flying. This blog is def me laying my heart on the line. I figure if I write it out, I'll be more accountable. I'm just ready for the next level of things include life. more so than I've ever been before. I just feel like I'm in a good space and so good thing will come to fruition within me. Whatever is for me, is only for me. I'm so ready. I'm uber excited about my future!!
Musical Moment that coincides with this post: Jennifer Hudson "I Am Changing"
Do you see yourself clearly? How do you see yourself? Is it in the same manner in which others do? I am sure that I do. When I look in the mirror or look introspectively, I see me. All of me. My positive, my negative and all of my in betweens. I have a very clear and true view of me. I was having a moment or three yesterday in my head and I was left wondering some things about vision, sight, and perception.
I, admittedly, am a thinker. I am constantly in my head about anything, everything, and nothing. I am also a worrier. That's just the way I handle and process things. I am my own worst critic and I know this. I see myself as the person who has to fix everything for everyone. It can become too much. I internalize things. That is a known fact about me. Even if I never show it, I take things very personally, even when I shouldn't. I took a really good long look at myself yesterday. And I realized that I was wrong in the situation. It wasn't a personal attack against me and what I feel belongs to me. I had to calm myself down and rationalize the issue in front of me. I still felt some kinda way about it. But, I accepted that this is life and things occur. I am still me and life goes on. What's the point of freaking out, inside my own head, about factors I cannot control? That solves nothing and def doesn't help anyone. I addressed a fault in myself head on and squashed it.
I am so accustomed to solving everything myself that it is hard and difficult to allow someone else to help me. I'm working on it though. It's hard to stop carrying the world on your shoulders when its all you know. But, I know I wasn't put here to do it alone. And, it's about time I fully accept the help that's being offered. I cannot constantly shut people out because I feel as if I can do it all. During my epiphany moment yesterday, I was instantly calmed. I felt really silly afterwards. That's another personality flaw of mines. I do not like to feel silly. But, as you can see, I see me clearly. Do you?
"Sometimes the walls you put up to protect your fragile broken heart, have a tendency to keep out the love you need to move on." - Me
Emotional walls.
We all have them.
We've all put them up in an effort to self-protection. But, is it possible that those same walls are preventing you from receiving love? Once I had my heart broken, it's been a really rough road to letting any other man get close to my heart. I finally realized that I was punishing myself. I faulted myself for my ex breaking my heart. I was so wrapped up in loving him that I lost me. So, I didn't think I was deserving of love. I mean, how could I be? I was broken and hurt and lost. It took me a good year before I finally felt whole again. I made a conscious decision to open myself up to the possibility of love. That was a huge step for me. But, at the beginning of the year, I finally felt ready. My emotional walls are coming down. I'm allowing myself the right to feel, to love, to be. And, maybe, just maybe, this time I'll get it right.
