Dear Diary (VI)

"They" say you should live life with no regrets. I have failed on epic levels with that this year. Living with no regrets used to be my mantra. But, all of that has changed. 2013 has ushered in some new practices that I don't necessarily care for. I did not sign up for the change but it's here anyway. Now, I have to adjust. I clearly feel like the universe is trying to tell me so many things. I am listening...noow. I am open to it. Because the regrets and the waht if's and the doubts are killing a sister. I do not like them living in my head and heart. It just isn't the way I live my life. I need something to shake and soon.

The above quote is from "Regrets" by my favorite rapper. And. it's my truth. I regret all the words I didn't say, all the risks I didn't take, the leaps I was too afraid to take. I am learning to live with the regrets. Learning to live with the reality that maybe certain things were not meant to be. It is clear that I have no clue what my future holds. I have come to accept certain truths. I cannot control the actions of others. I cannot make things be the way I want them to be. I  thought I was very secure in the woman I was. I was wrong. I've been shaken to the core this year. I've doubted myself so much, challenged everything I thought I knew about myself. I feel like a caterpillar going through the transformation to being a butterfly. I am changing but not necessarily by choice. By circumstance, I have to be different than I was last year. I regret a few things. I'll learn to live with them. They will make me better.

Dear Diary (V)

Have you ever felt...empty? Like something is missing from your life? That's the feeling I've been fighting lately. On my quest to be a better version of myself, I've been thinking a lot. More than normal actually. I figured that I needed to work on my internal self. Meaning watching what I put into my body as far as food, music, tv, what I read & what I think. Weeding out the negative aspects of life is going well so far. I've changed a lot of my thoughts. I have to thank "The Alchemist," as well as "The Dreamgiver." These two books really resonated deeply with me.



But, now that I'm aware of certain that things, I notice when things are lacking. That emptiness I spoke of earlier. It's this nagging feeling of something being missing. I'm not exactly sure what it is. What if it's something I can't fix? Or is I not able to obtain? I just feel like I'm going to have to face it eventually. It's inevitable. I don't think this emptiness is about a person or people. I truly believe that it's something I have to discover about myself. No one can give it to me. It's a journey that only I can take. Alone. Self discovery can be many things. I'm open to all of them. I have a feeling that the emptiness will fade away & I will be abundantly full. Always. How can I be anything other than excited about it? Life is good.

Dear Diary (IV)

I celebrated my 33rd birthday a few days ago. I am usually very excited about my birthday. I don't feel that way at all this year. It's hard to explain but I just feel indifferent about it. I am feeling unlike myself today and I really don't like it. I decided a while back to blog everyday, even if I didn't feel like it (which is the case right now) or when I couldn't (I'd force my way through it). I've been told that I feel too much, too deep. It is the gift and the curse. Anyway, it's my birthday and I'm thankful for making it through another year. I do not know what will happen next. I'm just really praying that it is something awesome. I need that. I've been thinking about not blogging so much in the new year. Maybe just once a week or so. 33 seems like such a weird age. I am older and wiser but I feel like I'm missing something. Anywho, this is just the ramblings of a new 33 year old searching for the meaning of, well, everything.

I'm not a perfect person. I know that I'm spoiled and opinionated and a little selfish. I have a big personality. I am always working on me. I want to be more conscious and aware of the feelings of others. I have to work on not taking things so personal. I'm good at hiding that from others. But a lot of things affect me. And some times they are very small things. I am, by nature, a sarcastic smart ass. I've learned how to curb some of that. I do love the folks in my life that can take me full throttle. I've held my tongue a lot this year. My coping mechanism is to count to 10 in my head and just breath through it. It's worked wonders. I hate to apologize so this eliminates that.

I still have a "I don't give a fcuk" attitude about a lot of things and certain people. That's a classic and will not be changing ever. I can't make myself care about any person, place or thing that doesn't rate in my book. I'm just trying to better myself daily. I think that's the real purpose of life. Improving on what/who you are. It's an attainable goal for everyone. I'm just a woman, a natural dealer of words, a struggling Christian, a work in progress. Those are just some of my attributes. I'm on the road to gaining a few more titles. It's inevitable. It's my destiny. They are the things I daydream about. Often. So close to having exactly what my mind has thought of. I couldn't be more excited.

Dear Diary (III)

This has been a weird week. I've been all over the place emotionally. I've tried to write but everything I came up with was crap. Or it was to me. I misplaced my happy this week. I withdrew from the matrix that is the internet. I simply logged off. I did not tweet, refused to tumble, and blogging was a no go. I ignored phone calls, emails, and texts. In a way, I took a perpetual timeout. I couldn't function. Did not want to deal. So I didn't. I avoided the people who knew me best so I didn't have to own up to my mood. On all fronts, this week was a big fat epic fail.

It's just been a very long week. I'm tired, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I have been sleep deprived. I'm just over it. I also gave up on the whole grin and bear it routine. I sat in my living room with the tv off and read. When the tv was on, I was oddly obsessed with the Casey Anthony trial. I attempted to write many times. It always ended up in the same arena. Writing has been the last thing on my mind. Probably because I know that my heart is in my writing. When I'm happy or sad or confused it always shows in my words. It's the gift and the curse. I've avoided writing for this reason alone. I don't even know if this makes sense.

I am realizing some truths about myself that I'm not too happy about. I need to work on my reactions to things. I like to think I'm nonchalant about things. But, the reality is I take things super personal. People hurt my feelings. For the most part, I'm able to hide it from the world. But, when I'm home, it breaks me. I found myself crying on the bathroom floor twice this week. Broken slightly. I had a moment, it lasted almost a week. I'm better now. Not completely fixed but I'm working on it. Now, if I could just fall asleep at a decent hour and sleep the whole night through, I'd be golden. Anyway, this was my hyper emotional, super reflective, uber weird week. I was not prepared for it. I did not enjoy it. As a matter of fact, I hated it. Everything happens for a reason right? I'm patiently awaiting the why of it, Diary.

Dear Diary (II)

Being able to be the bigger person comes with age & maturity. There will always be someone who will push your buttons. This person knows how to get under your skin. It's an irritating habit that they have perfected. These people live for the drama. They clearly have nothing else going on in their lives. People who are drawn to drama and/or feel the need to create it are sad individuals.

Being the bigger person is hard. It just is. Sometimes its the last thing I want to do. But, I've matured enough to know that its my best option. The reality is if I react then I'm giving the instigator exactly what they wanted. I've perfected the best response. It comes in two forms. They are the giggle and the ultimate ignore. If I am face to face with the person, I will giggle. It infuriates them deep inside. It's always an unexpected response as well. The ignore is awesome. It take all power away from the person. It gives it all back to me. The ignore, in my opinion, is the ultimate mindgame. It is the perfect ending to that situation.

I have not always been this person. It took me a while to get here. I have a smart ass mouth. I'm blunt, have a temper that has thankfully been tamed and blessed with quick wit. And, I'm intelligent to boot. So , it was nothing for me to verbally dead a confrontation. I wasn't going to let anyone try me. I have never had an issue standing up for myself or standing my ground. Anything less was never even an option. I've learned to bite my tongue and hold things in a bit more. Maturity is a wonderful gift that I appreciate every single day.

There was a situation this week that prompted this blog. I am so proud of myself for not following my first mind. I did not do or say anything out of character. So this is me patting myself on the back. I don't think I've ever uses so much restraint. I was the bigger person. What a great feeling it was!!!

Dear Diary (I) What If???

The "What if's" are a strange game I sometimes play in my head. I'm not a woman who suffers from insecurity normally. I am very comfortable with me and confident in me. but, we all have those fleeting moments when we think the worst of ourselves. The question that always comes to me doing these moments is "What if I'm not enough?" That statement is frightening to me. My self worth means everything to me. I do think very highly of myself. It's not about me being conceited, I'm just confident in myself. I thank my mother for that.

I know alot but I don't know everything. It's possibly woven into my DNA to take care of people, to mother situations. However, the converse side of this is the fact that I have an issue with letting others take care of me. I do not know how to relax enough to allow this. I will say that I am getting much better in this aspect. But, I think I let others expectations of me weigh too heavily on me. When I sit and think of all the things that I haven't done or haven't experienced, it becomes overwhelming. The crazy thing is I'm my own toughest critic. I know this. No one in my life can be harder on me than I will ever be. I know for the people in my life who love me I'm enough. Logically, I know this. They love me for me and in spite of my shortcomings. They made a conscious choice to love me. That is a great feeling. Sometimes I get myself so worked up over things in life that I have no control over.

There are days when I want to do nothing more than snuggle deeper into the comforter while closing the world out. I have so many questions about everything. I know that I will never know the answers to them all. I struggle with choices endlessly until I make them. I don't want to be hurt nor do I want to hurt anyone in this process. It literally breaks my heart when I feel as though I've caused someone I love pain. I've been on the receiving end of that and it wasn't a great feeling. I always remember that. I believe it makes me more conscious of that behavior.

So what about these fleeting moments of self doubt that I have? I know that its something that comes and goes. I don't dwell on them too much. I can't. I would never get anything else done. I just calm myself down with these few thoughts. I am the best me that I can be right now. I am working on getting to my greatest self. Everything I've done or not done has made me into the woman I am right now. I know that things in my life could've gone all the way left but I made the right decisions. I cannot change my past but my future lies only within me. I think that is a great thing. Sometimes we all have to just look in the mirror and say "I Love Me for me" and just believe in that thought.