April 10th Is...

...National Siblings Day! I am the proud older sister to 5 of the dopest people I know. I have 3 sisters and 2 brothers. They range in age from 28 to 18. All different and unique in their own way. I love the relationships I have with each of them individually. Would not trade them for the world. These are #tbt pictures as well. I couldn't have prayed for a better group of men and women to call my own. Happy National Siblings Day to all the siblings out there. 

Turning a Negative into a Positive

I remember the day I found out about my Aunt Gina's diagnosis. I was hurt and mad. I thought she would die. I did not know much about HIV or AIDS but the little I did know in 1996 wasn't good. But, God knew. It's been 19 years since she tested positive for HIV. Since then she has lived a life that most could only dream of. Two degrees and three jobs later, she is comfortably placed in her destiny. My Aunt has given a voice and a face to a stigma that most knew nothing about. She is an educator. She is one of the strongest women I know. She is the Phenomenal Woman that Maya Angelou spoke about. As her niece who has watched her live a life that has been amazing, I needed her to know that I am proud of her. She took her positive diagnosis and turned it into a positive life. That alone is worthy to be praised in my book. Below is her status she posted on her Facebook page a few days ago:

On this day in 1994 I was given what I thought was a death sentence. I walked into Charity Hospital's OB clinic, made my way to the nurse's office, and immediately knew something wasn't right (she wouldn't look at me) and then she said, "You have AIDS and you're going to die:-( 

It was devastating, embarrassing, and heartbreaking (I'd finally gotten my life on track) I was so afraid of dying AND of having anyone find out my HIV status (I told my mother, sisters, and my children's father..and no one else) I was also afraid because I was pregnant at this time. I met an angel named Margot on that same day, she gave me HOPE! She said if I did 3 things I could live; attend all Dr's appointments, take meds as prescribed, and learn EVERYTHING I could about HIV/AIDS. It wasn't always easy but I've always been DETERMINED to live!

I gave birth to a healthy baby girl on November 29th, 1994 (just because she wasn't perinatally infected, that does not mean she can not become behaviorally infected) and I named her Jamanii because it means faith in Jah! 

I really grew up after my HIV diagnosis, I became SELFLESS and I still am selfless. Over the years I've laughed, loved, cried, and argued with other positive women:-) Lifelong friendships have been formed and I am eternally grateful to all the women who've mentored me over the years, women like; Linda Scruggs, Loretta Jennings, Mary Boutte, Deon Heywood, Dazon Dixon Diallo, Pat Nalls, Naina Khanna and my PWN-USA sisters:-) Eventually I learned to tell my story in SAFE places (the clinic, HIV conferences, etc.) and then it was time to tell the rest of my family and friends, so I went on TV and diclosed my HIV status, people excepted my status and really showed me that they still loved me regardless of anything else! 

I find it amazing that I was born on Martin Luther King's bday and was diagnosed with HIV on the day of his death;-/ Fast forward to 2013 and here I am an educated woman with 2 degrees, a wonderful mother, an awesome (cool) GeeGee, an organizer with a wonderful agency (AU), Board member of PWN-USA and an expert on MY HIV:-) I share this because I know how easy it is to think HIV only happens to "those people", well I'm here to tell you, HIV can happen to ANYONE who has sex without a condom. HIV does not care what's in your bank account nor does it care how you look, HIV is a disease of opportunity, if you give it the opportunity it will come on in! Be safe, Be careful and love you enough to Take the Test, knowing your HIV status is very important and it will save your life! I put myself out here because I truly care and would hate to see/hear that you are sick. 

Life has been really good to me. I have had doors opened for me and try to give back to my community. Jah has blessed me with 19 years of living this Positive life and all I can say is, "Thank You, Jah!" Stay tuned y'all the BEST is yet to come! Next year, if Jah says so, I will be having a 20th year blowout!! I love you, now show how much you love yourself by getting that TEST;-) #IneverthoughtIdbehere!

Her story is an amazing one. She has literally turned her life around. She made it happen for herself. The HIV/AIDS epidemic is still real. There is so much information on HIV and AIDS today. People need to be tested and know their status. Gina has been someone I have looked up to since I was a little girl. She is my Mom's youngest sister and is only 13 years older than me. She has been like a big sister to me as well. I love just talking with her about so many things. I wrote this to just shine a little light on her because she is a star to me. If you are interested in finding out more about my aunt, you can watch her story here. This was part of a national program that aired as commercials on channels such as BET. Also, the lady in lilac is my Mommie :) (Hi Mom). My aunt radiates a light that no human can put out. That is God given. She is simply amazing. Love you, G!

Midnight Bowling

I went midnight bowling last weekend with my cousins. I had so much fun. I haven't been bowling since 2007. I haven't really been out in a while. My life, by my own accord, hasn't been all sunny skies and rainbows. I have been in a really awkward space for months now. I can honestly say that this family outing was needed in more ways than one. My cousins were here visiting from Colorado. Saturday was their last night here. So, we decided to take the kids and hang out. It was a boys versus girls challenge. I was great. Better than I thought I would be. But, I'm guessing that bowling is like riding a bike: you never forget. We bowled a few games while laughing and talking trash to each other. We were all into the competition, especially my little cousins. It was a really great night with my family. There was a lot of pizza/wings eating, margarita drinking, bowling going on. We all had such a great night. I only bowled one gutter ball. I, of course, bowled with a purple and blue bowl. I had to, they're my favorite colors. And, the bowling ball was adorable. I was the 2nd top bowler on my team. It was a great change from sitting at home thinking on a Saturday night. I have a feeling I will be bowling again soon. It was entirely too much fun not to. Just wanted to share my night with you guys. Hope you guys had an awesome weekend as well. 

My stylish bowling shoes and the awesome carpet.

Reward Me With Loyalty

Loyalty means so much to me. It's a quality I hold in high regard. If you aren't loyal, you aren't shit. I can't trust you. I can't rock with you. As a matter of fact, I don't want you around me. I am uber conscious of who I let into my inner circle. Loyalty, to me, involves trust respect and love. So, if you can't be loyal to me, you must not love, respect or trust me. Why would I want you in my life? I wouldn't. Nor would I allow you to stay. I can't. You can't be trusted. And without trust, we have nothing.



This does not stop at just friends. This goes for family too. Just because you share blood & lineage with a person does not mean they have your best interest at heart. The sad thing is that the most disloyal people are probably at the family reunion with you. Cousin, sister, brother, aunt. They are all suspect. If they've shown their true colors already, then you already know. But some are sneaky and can fly under the radar. And, either way, I am not here for. Keep your disloyal, unethical, non moralistic ass far away from me. That may be mean but the most important person to me is me. I am looking out for my best interest. I am loyal to a fault. It's a character flaw. But, it's who I am.



Disloyal people will get you caught up. Why? Because they can, because they are all about self. And, most importantly they don't care about you. Life is too short to surround yourself with disloyal folks. If you know like I know, you'll get them squares out of your circle. They are snakes. Cut the grass. Their heads will show. I don't ask a lot from people. Loyalty is a must if you want to be a part of my life. It's not that hard. Just be 100 with me because I'll be 100 with you. Brook and the city coined the phrase "Loyalty is vintage" and she is so right. No truer words. Loyalty is everything. You should get into it.

It's A Wrap

The holidays have a way of either bringing out the best or worst in people. This year, I am happy to report that the best was brought out of my people. For the last 5 days, I have had the most fun with my family. Literally the most fun, I have had with them in forever. There is something about being around folks who really know and accept you for who you are. My holidays have been filled with nothing but laughter. Hope the same goes for anyone who reads this.

If you have never been to New Orleans, then a daiquiri is a must. It is happiness in a cup. This was Cajun Eggnog with an extra shot of rum. It definitely made my holidays cheery. I do not drink the way I used to. I cannot. I'm sure it has to do with age. But, a daiquiri has never hurt me. So, I've had a few over the holidays. And, yes, my name is on my cup. No, I didn't write it though. There was a house full of people drinking so names on cups was a must.

We played a lot of Spades. It is a past-time that my family regularly partakes in. My cousin & I won. We were the "us" playing against her husband and my brother-in-law. We won one round, they won the next round. I love to play spades because I like to talk sh*t. I am very good at that lol. We are all very good at it. Great time was had by all. Another shot below of the on-going card game. This is the way I ended my Christmas night: playing cards with the people I love. The holidays are almost wrapped up. They have been more than I could have ever asked for. Sometimes life just gives you a moment when you least expect it. My Christmas memories have always been surrounded by my Grandmother's house. I haven't ever spent a Christmas any where else. I don't even know what that would feel like. Happy Holidays to everyone!!

*In the pic above, it's me in the grey jacket, my BIL in the white, my little brother in the red holding my niece and my cousin in the corner playing spades.*

**This is my 800th post. That is a huge deal for me. I am proud that I've stuck to it. Thank you guys for reading my blog.

#30in30: The Scenario: Family Feuds

Families are a complex part of life. They are the people who know us the best and love us. But, there are also a faction of family that causes us stress. The fact that they are family complicates things. It is hard to cut family members out of your life. The reality is that some times this is what needs to happen. Family feuds happen. This is just a fact of life. Sometimes, they are small and insignificant. Other times, they are huge, epic, blow outs. Either way, they both affect the entire family. That is never a good thing. I try my best to avoid the familiar drama. It is not my thing. And, the reality is, family stays family.

"The family is a haven in a heartless world. - Christopher Lasch

There are some things that I just cannot stand for. Disrespect is high on that list. I will not stand around and let anyone disrespect me or certain family members. That's just not going to happen. I love my family. I am closer to some of them. Those are the ones I will always have their back. I'm not one for fussing and fighting, especially in public. I don't want to be involved in this. I do not like or live for drama. But, I know that there are some that this is their only joy in life. That is sad but true. There are a handful in my own family. For the most part, I avoid and ignore them. I do my best to not invite that negative energy into my space. I do not want that or them no where near me.

"Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Author Unknown

The bottom line is this: keep your disrespectful speak to yourself in my presence. It will not bode well. In this scenario, I may come out of my character when faced with it. I am thankful that I am not the same hot head that I was at 21. In general, I am not looking for a fight. I am a 32 year old woman. What would I look like fighting? That's dumb and that isn't me. I will always stand up for myself. I will defend those I love until there isn't any life left in me. That's who I am. Feuding inside one's family is never a good thing. They divide the family. It never ends well. Love your family. Even when all they want to do is fight. Love them regardless.

It's A Black & White World

I really miss those old family sitcoms that were a staple on Nick at Nite. Most of them were in black & white. I think that was a part of the appeal for me. There was something nostalgic about them. I loved how family oriented the shows were. That is clearly missing on present day television. I found myself thinking about the nights I spent watching them. I would stay up so late watching the reruns. I loved them that much. I used to make all my friends watch if they were at my house or on the phone with me. I was hooked.

My absolute favorite was "The Patty Duke Show." It was about these identical cousins with different personalities. I loved those girls. I would make sure I was home and up just to see them. It was almost always followed by another favorite "Bewitched." Sam was so amazing to me. Tabitha was adorable. That show was also a fan of "Dobie Gillis," "Green Acres," "I Love Lucy," & "Mister Ed." All of these shows made me laugh. Everything was always so simple for them. Simple can be very good. The ills of the world did not seem to permeate their sitcom world. It could be seen as unrealistic. But I always liked that aspect of the shows.

I wonder who made the decision to off these shows from Nick at Nite. I miss them. I'm sure I could find them on dvd. But, it's just not the same. I think some wholesome programming could do the world some good. Or maybe it's just wishful thinking. I guess I've just been in a reflective mood. Thinking about things from my childhood. These shows are a great memory. Can I just get them back? If only for a little while?

Last Night A DJ Saved My Life...

...well not really but he definitely made me move. I went to a club for the first time in a long time. And, another first, I was in the club with all of my siblings (who are of legal age). Now, for me being the oldest, this was a big deal. Huge. I felt like a proud mommy! I've watched them all grow up. I remember holding all four of them as babies. We were all out & about for my youngest brothers birthday. It was definitely a celebration. Especially since I haven't seen my brother in about 5 years.

The party was a success in more ways than one. Good friends and drinks were a plus. Most importantly, we took a siblings picture. We haven't done that in a minute. And, the dj went into this throwback set that made my night. I mean tracks I haven't heard years. I drank Coconut & Peach Ciroc all night. Maybe I had one too many drinks but fun was indeed had. I was in a giggly mood after that. I had a great time. I came home with no voice but this smile that cannot be duplicated. I really loved my sisters & brothers. They are all really great individuals. I'm blessed to be their older sister. So,in actuality, a dj didn't save my life but he provided a great soundtrack to what was definitely a hell of a great night.

Really?

This blog is a labor of love and struggle. I did not want to write this. I had to write this. I have been searching for the words for this blog all week. I still don't know if this will sum up all of my feelings on the subject. Babies or rather the lack of them in my life. I have been disturbed for the last 6 years about family and friends questioning me about them. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be a Mom. I think I would be great at it. I've had more than enough practice.

I can't believe that some folks would have the audacity to question my choices. It's as if me not having children makes me less of a woman. Or that a life without children, if I chose that, would be unfulfilled or not worth living. I hate that I allow the people I love to make me feel that way. I also hate that they feel the need to even go there. I have a family member who shall remain nameless who asked me "So, Kenda, when are you gonna have a baby? You know you're getting up there in age." The look on my face was priceless. What I wanted to say was so to the point but what have ended in me calling her a bitch. However, I refrained and responded "I guess that will happen after I get a husband. Seeing as though I've waited this long, I might as well do things in the right order." That was a dog but it was justified. Clearly, she pissed me off!! My response was indeed how I feel.

Maybe loved ones should think before they speak. It's just rude. I know that my age has a lot to do with their questioning. But I'm not ancient. Hell, I'm only 31 years old. I've never been pregnant. Only thought I really was once before. I was relieved when the test was negative. I was 22 and didn't want any part of motherhood. Now almost 10 years later, that feeling is totally opposite of what I feel now. I don't express that thought with many. I don't think I can. Yes, I know I'm blogging about it. But this is different. This is for me and my readers.

I don't think that my existence will only be validated if and when I have a child. I cannot let myself believe that. I don't think I've ever been pregnant because it wasn't time. I wasn't ready before. I wasn't in the right relationship before. Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe this. I love kids. My nephews, nieces and Godchildren all hold special spots in my heart. I think it will happen when it's supposed to. And, in the event that it doesn't happen naturally, I will have to be ok with it. Adoption or surrogacy are both viable options. I just know that my children are a part of my future. I already have them named.

Used & Abused

There's a saying that everyone uses everyone. I think that saying and act sucks. I don't think I necessarily believe in that. I despise being used. I truly hate when I know I'm being used. It's a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'm not sure how people who use other people can live with their actions. It's a bad way to live ones life in my opinion.

I do not like fairweather people. You know the type. They only come around or call when they need you. I personally believe that if you don't have the decency to seem how I'm doing once in s while then you don't care about me. I'm not the best at calling people all the time. But I'm definitely known for sending a text or an email. I try my best to keep in contact with those I love and care about. It burns me up when I feel like someone is using me. It's an insult to my intelligence and compassion.

I also find it ironic and sad when someone who is clearly attempting to use me cops an attitude when I say no. No is a powerful word."No, you will not use me." "No, you will not walk all over me." "No, you will not take my kindness for weakness." When I say no, I mean it. It took me a long time to get assertive and comfortable enough to say no. To not allow my people to use me. I may have ruffled some feathers along the way but I did what was best for me. It take a lot to get under my skin. This issue does it easily.

It's funny that recently this refers more to family than anyone else. Just because I'm free doesn't mean I have to do anything for anyone. It's the beauty of not being a parent yet. I'm not responsible for anyone nor do I have to answer to anyone. Some people may not like it. But for my sanity, I have to come from a place of no where they are concerned. I'm out of the being used business. I cannot continue to let people use me. It's not for me. So I'm done. Over it. Guess they will have to find someone else to use.

My Year in Review: Family

Family for me can easily defined by blood and the people you surround yourself with. I love my family. No, we aren't perfect, but we always love. In the past year, my family has been a huge part of who I am.

I grew closer to my sisters this year. That was the best thing ever. My relationship with my brother changed. I strengthen my relationship with my cousins. I stayed out of the drama that family some time causes. I've learned that I do not have to engage in every family issue. I plan on continuing this in the future. I will fight for them when they need me to. I am here for support for all of them and vice versa. There is nothing better than that love.

At the end of the day, family is what really matters. No, we aren't perfect. And, I wouldn't change that or them. I love these people. They are the backbone to who I am. That is love.

Christmas Spirit?!

Christmas used to be my favorite holiday. The light, the decorations, the music, the vacation from school, the sometimes cold N.O. weather. There was no better holiday in my mind. I felt this way for a really long time. As a kid, it was all about the gifts. As an adult, it was about family & fun. And, maybe a little about the gifts still. Somewhere along the way, my feelings changed.

Since 2006, Christmas has been losing its sparkle to me. I know that's the year it felt different to me. I wasn't with most of my family & I didn't do much. It just wasn't a good year. Ever since that year, I've been less & less enthused with the holiday. Christmas just isn't the same for me anymore.

My only enjoyment during this time of year is because of my two nieces & four nephews. They are all under seven so the sparkle is still bright to them. I love that. They always make me smile. I look forward to their faces more than anything on Christmas. I know that its not about gifts and gadgets. Christmas is & always will be about family to me. That's what & who I chose to focus on.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Thanksgiving can mean a lot of different things to people. To me, it's always about family and being thankful for what I have. So, I make sure to remain mindful that no matter what is going on with me, there is someone who has it worse. This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for my family and friends and the love of them all. That's what's real and what matters the most to me. Be thankful people! Enjoy your families and Thanksgiving!