Mixed Drinks

Seriously.

Who knew feelings would become so damn complicated post 30?! I just knew I would have that portion of the program figured out. But, I also thought I would be a wife & mom to at least 2 by this age. Clearly, I was totally wrong about all of it. Love & relationships aren’t really meant to be this damn complex for the 30 & over crowd. We’re supposed to have learned so much from our 20’s. And, granted, I’ve learned a lot. But, the greatest lesson came when I was 33 & I still don’t really know what the purpose was.

It’s difficult for me to admit failure in regards to aspects of my life plans. I hate for folks to say that it’s just being delayed. It doesn’t help me. I’m still behind on things want out of life. This is why I say that “feelings suck, avoid them at all costs.” I care too much. I feel too much. I fall too deep. And, clearly I’ve chosen the wrong men. So, now what?

The truth is I’m afraid to feel something. Afraid to open my heart and life to anyone new. Mainly because I could be hurt again. I know that this isn’t living. I am trying my best to get back to that place where I thought love was possible. I have to if I want to have any chance at having my own family. I know it’s going to take some faith on my part. I’m doing the work. I’ll figure it out when it’s time,when the right one makes his presence known. That’s all I can do, right? For the moment, I'll continue to sip this drink and think. 

Ladies Love Lyrics: Currently

I am back on my music kick. For a while, music and specifically lyrics were too much for me. There is a saying that when you're happy, you enjoy the music. But, when you're sad, you understand the lyrics.That has been beyond true with me lately. But, I've decided to reclaim music because it's my thing. I can't let a person or a situation take that away from me. So, no more avoiding certain songs or cringing when I hear them. Now, I just enjoy what I enjoy. Here are a few of my current faves. As always, the lyrics are what made me a fan. Get into all of them!

"This is not an excuse
I'm just telling the truth
Baby, I'm so sorry
For hurting you

Oh, I'm ashamed of me (Shame on me)
Wish I never done you wrong (Shame on me)
Every night of us I dream
That I wake up in your arms

I know why you left me
But since you've been gone
My understanding
Has moved and grown
I've come to this conclusion
Over and over again
I don't want an enemy
I just want back my friend."

"Oh, silly me my dear, for thinking that you'd stay
Gave you my heart and then you ran away
Either I'm stupid, I'm foolish, or you're playing me
But it seems we were never really meant to be

So I thought I would try something new
I wanted to find out if I could live happy without you
And it turned out I wasn't living at all
I'd rather never known if you had just played along

I was living the dream believing things that just ain't true
Oh I can't believe I ever believed in you
You had me chasing fool's gold
I was chasing fool's gold."

"Just let it burn
Let it, let it burn
Call me crazy but I think I found the love of my life

Feel it creepin' in your heart
Ooh baby can you feel it tearing you apart?
That's right that's love
When it comes, you never wanna give it up
And baby, I'm caught in the light and I ain't gonna fight it
There's no use in tryin', I'm yours
And I want you to want me the way that I would you and more."

"Head on your chest babe, but your heart is so quietWe use to talk all night long, now we laying in silenceYour arms around me but your soul is somewhere elseGone so long and I know you so wellI know that you are everything that I ever dreamed ofAnd I hoped that love had a happy endingBaby you should be here, right hereBaby you should be here, right hereDon't know where you went but you're lost nowDon't know where you went but you're gone now."

 

"Last night you didn't call,Had me worried all night longWhy you keep doing me wrong?I don't know, babe!And it hurts so badI'm tired of being sad,This house is not a homeThe love is gone, baby!I just can't see it, I can't see, baby!Staying in this with you, you, you, you!If you love me, set me free!"

"The first time you shot me down I was grazed
Second round was never found, it ricocheted
Nowhere to run, I was stunned in a daze
A victim of a love I can't escape

I remember when you said you loved me
Three little words that burned into my soul
Maybe you didn't mean those things you told meMaybe you didn't really mean those words at all"

"So you say you wanna get away 

We don't need a plane

We'll be your escape

Take you to a place

Where there is no time, no space

I could be your private island

On a different planet

Anything could happen

Listen to the waves

Let them wash away your pain

I could be your fantasy

I could be your fantasy

Underneath the palm trees

You could leave your worries

Listen to the waves

Sure you wanna get so high?

Breath me in like air tonight." 

May I Speak Randomly?!

• I have fallen more in love with my natural hair. I have perfected my two strand twist out a few weeks ago. I am loving it. Natural hair ftw!!
• I have been introduced to some really great music in the past few weeks. All of it has been inspiring me. I am thankful for it. 
• For weeks, I have been having the best sleep ever. And, for me, that's a huge deal because insomnia has been an issue for a while for me. I couldn't be happier about it. Sleep is always a great thing. 
• I have a bad case of word vomit. It's usually aided by alcohol. Word vomit is the act of saying way too much & usually to the wrong person. I am trying to get over this affliction. Ayudame, por favor. 
• I've been a bad blogger/writer lately. I think I was taking my talent for granted. I need to do better and I will. I also haven't really read anything in a minute either. It's all bad. I need something new to read desperately. 

• In honor of sundress season, I have purchased no less than 6 sundresses &/or maxi dresses in the last week. They are basically all I want to exist in this summer. Sundresses & sandals & big hoop earrings. That's it. That's my goal. 
• I used to be the biggest phone person. Loved to talk on the phone. Now, I hate it. I only want to talk to you if it's deemed necessary. I prefer to text. But, here's the caveat, you have to be able to hold a decent conversation via text. I don't want to do all the asking. Engage me damn it. Not to toot my own horn but I am  highly intelligent, sarcastic, funny as hell and a wordsmith. So, I can literally talk/text with anyone about anything. It's a gift. But, I will bow out if I feel like you can't carry your end. Trust me. I'm so sincere. 
• Redbox is my new bae. I am actively cheating on Netflix. I have watched no less than 10 movies in the last few weeks. The Wedding Ringer was hilarious. But, I enjoyed all of them.
• I  am the Queen of deletion. I get rid of things mainly so I won't obsess over them. Which, in theory, is a great thing. Until I need them again. I just deleted about 100 photos off of my Instagram. Just as many from my Tumblr. For reasons. I really have to break myself out of this terrible habit. Because right now I am kicking myself for getting rid of a certain email. I have no way of getting it back. I really have to do better. 
• I think I have forgotten how to flirt and how to date. It's been so long since I've felt anything other than this overwhelming sadness from my last heartbreak. I'd really love to feel the butterflies again. Would love to feel wanted and needed and desired again. This is the year for me to go get it. I'm trusting the universe to give me what I want. Because I deserve it. 

It's My Hair: So Far In 2015

I have been a very bad naturalista so far in 2015. I've spent more days with my hair in a bun than anything else. I am currently in a rut hairwise. I don't really know what to do with it. But, I am happy to report that my natural hair is healthy, happy, and growing. It's longer and thicker today than it was 3 months ago. My hair dye from last summer has grown out. I think I will try another, lighter shade this summer. I might even cut my hair. I haven't decided how short though. Change is good. Change is necessary. 

Braid outs, buns, and puffs have been staples in my natural hair journey this year. All are easy to maintain. I usually go from a 4/5 day braid out into either a high or low puff. From there, it will be a bun. I am so glad that it is finally Spring time. The winter has been harsh on my hair. I have had moisture retention issue. But, that's all over now thankfully. I am looking forward to playing around with more styles with my hair. This summer will bring a change in hue and maybe length. I am excited about it. I actually cannot wait to do more with my hair. It's been almost 4 years since my last relaxer. I still cannot believe that. But, I couldn't be happier about it. It's my hair and I happen to love it more today that I did 4 years ago. Yay me!

Random Thoughts of Pi

• This has been the longest week. Insomnia has showed up again. I hate her with a passion. I haven't slept much in days. It doesn't bode well for my demeanor. Today has been the first day I've been in a great mood since last weekend. Grateful for it. 
• #BlackoutDay was such a huge success!! I loved seeing so many Black people on my dash. It was a great way to just celebrate us and our melanin. Can't wait to do it again.
• The winter weather has finally given us a break in the N.O. It's 73 today. I have on shorts and sandals and I'm loving it.Now, if this weather can just stick around, I would be so happy.
• Drake's "If You're Reading This It's Too Late" mixtape has grown on me. I listen to it daily. My new fave is "You & the 6." I am reading to hear "Views From The 6" though. Oh, I am also digging Raheem Devaughn's "Love Sex & Passion" as well.
• "Empire" has quickly become my fave new show. I'm a huge fan of Cookie and Jamal (Taraji P. Henson & Jussie Smollett). They are the best parts of the show. I am looking forward to the finale next week. If you haven't watched it, do yourself a favor and get into it. 

• I've been living on a high from a few weekends ago. I had the best time with my family at a party. Sometimes you just need a moment to have a great time with the best people. 
• I am so sick of  Black people being killed with no consequences for their killers. The Department of Justice hasn't been in the justice business lately. No indictments for Tryavon Martin or Mike Brown's killers. It's as if they are telling us that we don't matter. Our lives nor our deaths do not matter. It's truly awful to feel that our skin color makes us guilty. 
• I am not a fan of the term "cis." I'm a Black woman. I don't need any more terms to define myself. It's annoying to me. I don't get it and I don't really care too.
• The "50 Shades of Grey" trilogy was literary trash. And, because of that I wouldn't go see the movie. BUT, the soundtrack is so good. Sad that it's the soundtrack for such an awful project but I respect the music. 
• I do believe that I'm spent more than enough time mourning the life that I thought was going to be mine. Now, it's time to start living the life I have. And, appreciating all the people who are in it, that love me and more importantly, that stayed true. I get so caught up in the things I don't have that I forget to take the time to be thankful for the things that I do have. I need to work on that for me. 
• Today is Pi day. It's March 14th. 3.1415. I love nerdy things like this. Oh, and tomorrow is the Ides of March. Hope you all are having a great weekend. I've been a bad & neglectful blogger. I promise to do better. 

Get Into It: #Refresh

I love getting packages in the mail. Which is why being an Influenster is such a great fit for me. I received my first Vox Box of the year this week. It's the #RefreshVoxBox. It was filled with so many goodies for me to try out. It included L'Occitane Shea Butter Comforting Cream, Benitos Chips, Covergirl Ultra Smoothing Foundation, a coupon for Orgain Certified Organic Nutritional Shakes, Montagne Jeunesse Face Masques, Listerine Pocket Paks, DenTek Comfort Clean Floss Picks, and Skinnygirl Nutritional Bars. All great products for me to try. I loved them all but the L'Occitane Cream is my favorite, hands down. It's such a great moisturizing cream. I love it. 

• Benitos Chips, 2 bags. These are incredibly good chips made from beans. I enjoyed them. #allthatinabagofchips 
• Covergirl Ultra Smoothing Foundation in 860 Classic Tan. Great foundation an I like the applicator. #UltraSmooth 
• L'Occitane Shea Butter Light Comforting Cream is amazing. I loved this product the most. #ineedshea because it works wonders for my skin. This product kept my hands & face moisturized all day during a really harsh cold wintery day. I cannot wait to purchase this product for myself.
• Orgain Certified Organic Nutritional Shakes are so good. The coupon for a free one was a win. #OrgainWellness 
• Montagne Jeunesse Face Masques. I received the Black Seaweed one. I loved it. #MJPeelOffs 
• Skinnygirl Tasty Nutrition Bars. The Dark Chocolate Pretzel Bar is so good. They are currently on sale @ Target & I had to go get me some. #skinnygirlXinfluenster 
• #ListerinePocketPaks. I didn't even know they still made these. I loved them before and I love them still.
• DenTek Comfort Clean Floss Picks are amazing. I love this product. #GoFlossYourself

(Disclaimer: "I received these products complimentary from Influenster for testing purposes.")

Ran-dumb

• This winter weather is going to kill me. It should not be 73 one day and 40 the next in February!! That is insane. And, of course, now I have the cold from hell. I just want to breathe normally and sleep through the night. Last night, Nyquil became my new best friend. Let's pray that I can shake it soon. Oh, and that this weather regulates itself accordingly. 
• Sometimes we get the answers to the questions in our heart and they leave even more questions. This happened to me this week. My questions left more questions. I hate when I cannot figure something out. Hate when I cannot get to a logical conclusion. But, the reality is the answers don't make sense still. One cannot say I love strawberries, they are my fave AND I've decided to never eat them again. Why would one do that? It's illogical at best. So, the very analytical part of me has given up on trying to make the answers work. 
• I've been emotionally drained for weeks now. I am so tired of it. Life would be so much easier if I didn't care so much. I haven't figured out how to be that version of myself though.
• Rediscovering old music you've forgotten about is like running into an old friend you haven't seen in a while. It's been the best part of my week. I am obsessed with Anthony Hamilton's "Broken Man" and Justin Timberlake's "Still On My Brain." They've both been played a ridiculous amount of times this week.
• So, I am an old school NKOTB fan. They were my group in elementary school They are coming here in May. I have to be there. For nostalgia sakes. I have to see Jordan with my own eyes again.

• The older I get, the more in love with my Blackness I become. To me, there is nothing better than melanin. I love our skin. I love being Black. I'd love it if people would realize that I can be pro-Black (aka "All BLACK everything") and still not be anti-white. They two can coexist. i am eternally thankful for God making me Black. You can take that anyway you want but I am so amazed by the skin I am in. 
• And, I have to admit that there is a small part of me that still holds on to a certain dream. The dream of me falling in love, marrying and building a life with a Black man. Having Black kids and living a very dope life. I may be skeptical about the whole falling in love again thing but I know my end game leads me to a life where Blackness is the center. It's the one thing I've always dreamed of.
• With age comes wisdom. I have become more involved with things that affect the state of Blacks in the U.S. today. Maybe I have more activist in me than I thought. 
• OAN, I am simply over the white washing of everything. I am not watching the Grammy's or the Oscar's because of it this year. I am just done with white folks columbusing everything that Black people have created. It's annoying and it's never as good as the originals. Just stop it, 2520's. 
• Been listening a lot more than talking lately. It's worked out tremendously for me. I don't want to talk about my issues. I just want to listen and offer help when I can. That's it. At least for right now. 

Just Because I Felt Like It: D'Angelo & the Vanguard on "SNL"

D'angelo is back!!! After shocking his fans with a surprise album in December, D'Angelo has been on a roll. He was the musical guest last night on "SNL." He performed "Really Love" which is a personal favorite of mine as well as "The Charade." What is so important about his second performance is just about everything. His band, the Vanguard, all rocked "I Can't Breathe" and "Black Lives Matter" tees. There was a chalk outline of a body on the floor where D'Angelo performed. "The Charade" is one of the most politically charged songs on "Black Messiah." They ended the performance with one of their fists raised in the air which is the symbol for Black power. All of this occurred after 12 so it was essentially February 1st & the beginning of Black History Month. This was poignant and calculated and greatness. It became a topic on all social media. Everyone was talking about it. D'Angelo made a statement and we all got it. We matter period. I love this. J. Cole took a stand on Letterman by performing his Mike Brown ode "Be Free" as did Joey Bada$$ on Fallon by ending his performance with his hands up. I really love my people. Both of D'Angelo's SNL performance's are here. Get into them.

"Crawling through a systematic maze

And it pains to demise

Pain in our eyes

Strain of drownin', wading into your lies

Degradation so loud that you can't hear the sound of our cries

All the dreamers have gone to the side of the road which we will lay on

Inundated by media, virtual mind fucks in streams

All we wanted was a chance to talk

'Stead we only got outlined in chalk

Feet have bled a million miles we've walked

Revealing at the end of the day, the charade..."

Ladies Love Lyrics: Anita Baker's "Talk To Me"

Anita Baker's voice & music are both timeless. She is perfection and classic. I love her. This morning while my AB Spotify radio channel played, this song came on and caught my attention. I've always liked it. But, it resonated today because of a current situation in my life. I'm not a big fan of people who shut down emotionally. It disturbs my spirit on so many levels. I cannot be there for you if you do not "Talk To Me." It;s that simple. I am frustrated but Anita worked it out for me. I've done my part, done the work. That's all I can do. And, now, I'm going to listen to Anita and vibe for a little while longer. Get into these classic lyrics below and song above. Enjoy!! 

"Ooh, baby, baby, baby

You stand all alone on your own
Please come inside from the storm
Stand where it's warm, I can see you're in need
Baby, please talk to me now

Swear nothin' is wrong, you're so strong
Baby don't hold this inside
Relax your pride let it go, set it free
My baby, talk to me now

What's wrong, wrong with you?
Why don't you tell me what you're going through, darlin'?
What's wrong, wrong with you?
Why don't you tell me what you're going through?
I can help you if you let me baby, yes I can

I understand, here's my hand
Why stand alone in the dark open up your heart
Let this go, set it free
Now my baby, talk to me now..."

Bible Talk

When you constantly see or hear something, you tend to take notice. This is what happened to me last year. I was bombarding with Bible verses from Romans 8. I kept seeing Romans 8:28 as well as 8:35. After seeing them for about a week, I had to go to my Bible and read them. Once I started reading, I remembered the chapter very well. In the past, I had an in-depth conversation about this specific chapter in Romans. I had someone explain this to me in great detail. It's a very interesting chapter in the Bible. I've spent countless moment thinking that I wasn't good enough for one reason or another. Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." There is something about those words that fill me with so much hope.

Romans 8 has become a staple in my life. I read it often and early. It calms, centers and refocuses me. It makes me feel like I have a bigger purpose here in life. In the moments when I am doubting myself and feel at my lowest, I read it. There have always been verses that have stuck with me but this is different. I almost feel as though it was tailor made for me at this point in my life. I can say honestly that my faith has waivered a lot lately. It's so easy to get caught up in the "woe is me" life and I've been there far too long. But, the dark clouds have dissipated and I can see and feel the sun shining directly on me. I'm happier than I've been in a really long time. And, I know that prayer has a lot to do with it. I read Romans 8 more than any other chapter in the Bible in the last few months. It's helped me tremendously. I am so thankful for all the universe for conspiring to lead me to those particular words. 

Not The Right One

Last night I was watching BET's "The Game" while attempting to go to sleep. I wasn't feeling that well. And, while I would normally be all into the show, my mind was elsewhere. So, I was dvr'ing it to watch later. Until I heard Jason Pitts utter the words above. I felt like I had been shot. I sat straight up and had to rewind it because I didn't really know what led to such an honest and hurtful admission. I watched that scene at least three times. Watched as Chardonnay's heart broke and face cracked as her husband said those words to her. How could he?? How do you fall in love with a woman, marry her, plan your future with her, re-propose, give her a big fancy wedding only to humiliate her in front of everyone?? I will never understand the mindframe of a man who is supposedly in love with a woman doing anything to hurt her. Ever. 

But, then I got to thinking about this situation. If you really love someone, you should want the best for them. Even if that means that they aren't with you. I've spent a lot of time thinking since my last breakup about love. I've seriously doubted his love for me on many late nights. I felt as if he didn't love me enough to stay. And, for far too long, that thought killed me. It made me feel less than and not worthy of love because the man I loved left me. The absence of his love filled me with self-doubt. And, honestly, I haven't worked my way totally through it. Even after the breakup, he would (and still does) compliment me and I find it hard to believe him. Hearing that I'm a good woman or a great person or that I'm pretty or sexy or intelligent doesn't have the same appeal as it did before. But, then I had an epiphany. Whatever his reasons for leaving, whether I think they were credible or not, were his own. And, the reality is, he no longer thought I was the right woman for him. In hindsight, I'm thankful for him. Because it could've been worse. We could've been married with kids. This way, I was the only one hurt. I didn't think I would survive but I did. Getting back to "The Game," I hope this heartbreak for Chardonnay leads her to the man she is supposed to spend the rest of her life with. Hell, I hope the same thing for me as well. 

Thoughts of a Random Thinking Woman

• One week into #NoBareLips30 & I am still going strong. I am loving playing in my lipsticks and rocking them daily. I have about 20 new lipsticks which is more than enough for the moment. So, I won't be buying another for a minute, I swear.
• Being super critical of yourself is tiresome. It is a habit that I have decided must go in 2015. I need to cut myself some slack on a lot of things. I 
• It is very hard to not feel negatively towards anyone who see or hears #BlackLivesMatter and feels the need to interject with #AllLivesMatter. Because if you do not see why the first is relevant, you are so lost. Yes, all lives matter but the police are only executing Black people and leaving their blood and bodies on the streets for hours. I've lost respect for so many of my former classmates who have shown their true colors in the last few months on FB. But, it also helps cut my friends list down. I have no problem unfriending, deleting, unfollowing people I know in real life on social media. 
• Today has been a bad hair day. Isabella (my hair) is being unruly and rude. I do not like it. Bad hair days affect my mood in the worst way. 
• I started another blog. It's private and password protected. I need that space to get some things off my chest. I am purging. And, I do not need everyone knowing these particular thoughts. It feels great to get them out though. 
• My friends are hilarious. I cannot stop laughing at "pass the peas like we used to do" which is a quote from the show "Martin." It makes no sense but it has had me giggling for days. Laughter is chicken soup for the soul.

• Strangely enough, my sleeping patterns has improved tremendously. I am so thankful for that. I needed this.
• I am missing the old Kanye. Been listening to his entire catalogue (sans Yeezy because it sucks) all year. I am not a fan of his new song. The sentiment is cute, the lyrics are nice but the song is mediocre at best. I am concerned about the direction he is moving in musically. It makes me sad. 
• The moment you realize that your prayers have been answered and your feelings have changed is a great one. Especially because you know that without it, you would have been in line for more heartache. I am thankful.
• I hate to admit how scared I am about so many things. Especially my uncertain, cloudy future. I don't like this feeling. But, I do not know how to shake them. 
• I cannot remember the last time I was told I love you by a certain someone. I don't know why it's bothering me so much today. Because it really doesn't matter anymore. I used to think that love was a forever type of thing. I've learned that forever means different things to different folks. In the words of Jazmine Sullivan, "forever doesn't last too long these days."
• I want to go on a trip somewhere. Not an international one but to a city I've never been for a few days. I need a break from everyone and everything I know and am used to. 

Throw It In The Bag II

I have fallen head over heels for lipsticks. This is a new love. I cannot stop myself from buying a new one every single time I enter a store. It's my latest habit. I realized that I seem to buy shades in the purple, pink and burgundy family. I think they are my favorites because they look so good against my brown skin. I have been searching for this one lippie for months now. I finally found it last week. I was so happy, especially because I had 2 coupons which would be $7 off!! The shade is Revlon ColorBurst Matte Balm in Shameless. It is the most perfect shade of purple. I am in love with it. I am glad that I purchased 2 of these when I had the chance because the racist remarks of the CEO of Revlon means that I will not be supporting this brand any further. I am sickened by his stupid and ignorant words. That won't stop me from loving this lipstick though. Great purple shade for a brown skinned Black girl.  

Wet 'N Wild Cinnamon Spice is a lipstick I picked up on a whim. I wasn't sure if I was really going to like it. Plus, I had a coupon so it was cheap. Imagine my surprise when I really liked it. It has more of an orange undertone and I think it works well for me. 

NYC's Violet Shine is a pink lipstick that I have to get used to. It's a tad bit more metallic than I would like. I mixed it with a brown lipstick that I already had. It made a new shade that I liked more. Someone got this for me so I want to make sure I use it.

Maybelline's Brazen Berry is a lipstick that I had to hunt down for a while. I was so excited to find it. I thought it would be more purple on my lips but it's lilac in color for me. I still love it. This is definitely one of my absolute favorite shades. I always feel happy when I wear it. 

And, finally a new fave has to be Wet N' Wild's Cherry Bomb. I love it because it is a deep burgundy shade. It reminds me of NYC's Mahogany. I absolutely love the way it looks on me. I wear this at least once a week. It never fails to get me compliments. I promise that I won't purchase anymore lipsticks for a while. Well, with one exception, if I find the Wet 'N Wild's Sugar Plum Fairy, I have to buy it. Other than that, I am done for a while. I will wear and enjoy all the lippie's I've purchased over the last few months. What's your newest favorite lipstick? Tell me about it. What's in your makeup bag, ladies?