What's Wrong?

That's the question I've been asking myself for the last 2 weeks. What's wrong? I really don't know. Maybe it's a little bit of everything. Stress. Fear. Lack of many things. Overindulgence in everything. It's as if my problem is everything and nothing at the same time. I'm very tense these days. No easy and quick way to solve them either.

I'm not a woman who cries. It's just not what I do. I hate it to be honest. So, imagine my surprise, when crying has been my only viable outlet for the last two weeks. I mean what is this about?!? I cried a total of 5 times in 2 days last week. That's beyond abnormal for me. It was weird. I literally sat in the tub & cried for 20 minutes. It was a deep, body shaking, shortness of breath, quiet cry. I couldn't stop myself. And when I was done, I felt a little better. But, I think my biggest issue is the fact that I'm the person people tell their problems to. I'm not the woman who shares her issues with others. I internalize everything. I deal with me because it's the way I've been all my life. It's hard to let people inside of my head & heart. I know that's fear. I also know I'm protecting myself from pain.

I think that I needed to cry. I needed to release all of that from inside of me. By holding so much inside of me, I was hurting me. I'm trying to find a way to stop carrying the world on my shoulders. It's not an easy feat. But, I'm confident that I can do it. I don't wanna have any more tear filled baths. It takes too much out of me. Crying is a normal bodily function. Not crying is not. I know this. I'm still a work in progress. Constantly working on becoming the best me I can be....tears and all lol.

Traditions

I have no problem admitting that I am very traditional when it comes to certain things. Yes, I'm an independent woman who has no issue going get things for myself. But, I am not who adheres to the new age adage that "I don't need a man." That's bogus and stupid on so many levels. Humans were created as a pair. A partner who was made to complement you. So, in essence, I don't need a man. But, I want one to finish this ride with me.

I will say that up until a few years ago, I was totally anti-baby, anti-marriage. I def didn't have a great view of marriages growing up. I didn't think that any of it was for me. But, somewhere along the line, a lightbulb came on. I realized that I wanted all of these seemingly traditional things because they fit me. I've been the mother of my group since birth essentially. I nuture, I take care of, I handle things, it's who I am.

My Great Grandmother, Frances, has instilled some traditions deep into my head. She was very big on little girls acting like ladies, especially in public. I carry that with me. She also told me to make sure I always keep something just for myself until I meet the one for me. I clearly remember these talks she & I would have sitting at her kitchen table drinking cafe con leche. Well, she would drink coffee and I would drink milk w/a teaspoon of coffee mixed in. These talks help define me. I'm sure she is the reason why I feel so strongly about roles, traditions and values. Even in all my independence, I know the woman that I am. I'm ok with that.

Made To Be Together

While listening to Trey Songz' "Made To Be Together," I started thinking about the title. It also reminded me of the art piece to the right, which is entitled "Made For Each Other" by WAK. I love both the song and the art piece. The idea of soul mates is where I ended up while thinking of these two.

What does that mean? Does it fall into the whole idea of soul mates? The definition of a soul mate is "a person with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, and/or compatibility." That is one deep connection. I remember reading in Greek mythology that Aristophanes in Plato's Symposium, said that humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces. But, Zeus feared their power and split them all in half. Thus, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them: their soul mate. I really like that explanation of soul mates.

My personal opinion is that your soul mate is the person who fits the best with you and what you're about. The person who gets and accepts you for you. I do not believe that anyone is perfect. Nor should the search for a soul mate take one on a journey for perfection. That will just end up with you being alone. And, if you're really, really lucky, you'll find yours and be able to spend the rest of your life happily with this person. That's obviously the romantic in me speaking...loudly!! :)

Random Thoughts

* I've made more of an effort to sticking to reading the Bible on a daily basis. I was completely enthralled with the book of Matthew and the book of Joshua has my attention now. I feel enlightened in my spiritual journey.

* I've decided to stop worrying so much. In the last week, I was so worried about a situation that is out of my control that I felt physically I'll. That's not healthy for me. So, I'm letting go & letting God.

* I feel like the future that I pctured for myself is still obtainable. That makes me smile with my heart, seriously!

* The romantic in me seems to be winning the tug of war from the pessimist in me...lol. And, I'm ok with that.

* I realize that I'm really wrapped up in a certain situation. I don't see a thing wrong with that thoug.

* I really need to start writing @ least 500 words a day. I know I have a book or 5 inside of my head & heart. I just need to focus on that.

* I'm also trying to curb my bad habits...like being bossy and uber sarcastic and the like. I'm a work in progress though.

Day 30: Parting Words

This30 day blog challenge has been a very good way for me to write. The topics very varied and I loved them. Some were much easier to write on than others. But, I did them nonetheless. Finishing was a big accomplishment for me and my blogging. I can't express how great it feels to jump head first back into writing on a daily basis. I've been experiencing a bit of writer's block. I think it's safe to say that it's clearly gone now!! Woo-hoo :) So, my parting words to this challenge are as followed. I am thankful and grateful for finding you through other blogs.

Day 29: Aspirations

Aspirations: a strong desire to achieve something high or great; an object of such desire

I aspire to be:

* a great writer
* a great poet
* a more creative being
* a wife
* a mother
* an informed person
* a better woman than I was yesterday
* a loving, kind woman of God.

These are all on my simple list of things to achieve.

Day 28: Missing This

I really, really miss the carefree days of being a kid. No worries, no drama, everything in my kid world was cool even when it wasn't. That's the great innocence of being a child. You are so oblivious to the real ills of the world. That is something that should be bottled and sold. Nostalgia is always good.

The Katrina Effect

I will never forget this date. Never forget that hurricane. The images & feelings are embedded into my DNA now. Five years ago, my entire existence was forever altered. I never thought I'd awake in Galveston to scenes of my city underwater. It was surreal. Sort of akin to having an out of body experience. I couldn't believe that I could not go home. That it wasn't even an option. My family was safe, thank God. I didn't lose anyone personally in the waters of Katrina. We were all spread all over the southern U.S. I ached for home, for family, for familiarity. I got nothing in return. I suffered from anxiety about rain & water. I missed everything that was New Orleans...good, bad & indifferent. It was the place that made me me. I will never forget it. I just want my city to be better than before, to flourish & continue to rise above. I came home because I was heartsick & homesick. But, I think I've been cured of that. Nothing will ever remove that period from my life. Everyone here always refers to tings as post & pre-Katrina. That will forever be the case for my generation.

Day 27: My Favorite Spot

My favorite spot has always been my Momma Louise's house. Ever since I was a little girl, her house was the place where we all met up. From the porch to her backyard, I have memories attached to every inch of her house. I even lived with her for a year prior to Hurricane Katrina. The house that sits @ #9 will always hold a special place in my heart.

Day 26: My Fears

My fears are simple:

* failure
* snakes
* spiders
* being alone forever

The Map

I saw this picture and the words caused me to gasp. I felt them deep in my soul. The words are so true. I'm a thinker and I worry alot. I want to rationalize my feelings. As if love is a rational feeling. I know that what I'm feeling in my heart is real. I cannot deny that. I'm sure I'm just afraid. Fear is one hell of an emotion. But, I know that love is stronger.

Day 25: My Body...Stamped

I got my first tattoo at 18 y/o. It was a cold February night in 1998. I was a freshman in undergrad. I was tatted @ a place called "House of Pain." Great name, right? Lol. It def hurt at first but then my back sorta numbed up. My tattoo artist, Earth, was very cool. My girls and I had a great conversation with the tattoo artist. I loved my tat. It encompassed two of my favorite things: hearts and music.

Day 24: Tears of a Clown

I'm not really a woman who cries. Especially not in public. that is a huge no-no for me. I'm always deeply touched by kind words from people I love and care deeply about. I'm a sap when it comes to that. I can't help it. I tear up when my nephews tell me that I'm their favorite and they love me. Or when my niece begs me to stay by her house because she loves me. If any of my friends say really kind things to me, I tend to cry...in my house, alone.

Day 23: You Make Me Better

"I'm a movement by myself, but I'm a force when we're together. Papi, I'm good all by myself. But, baby, you make me better. You make me better." ~ Fabolous & Ne-yo "You Make Me Better"



You ever meet someone who makes you better instantly and makes you wanna be better for them? I have. He is intelligent and funny and sincere and warm and giving. And, he makes me want to achieve more, do more, be more. There is just something about him that I feel deep in my soul. He is so much like me that its scary. He's the ying to my yang as he says. We are the accompanying pieces to each other proverbial puzzles. Simply put, he makes me a better person, a better woman for knowing him. Regardless of what happens or doesn't happen, I'm better because of this relationship. I've never felt like this before and it's scary and exciting all at the same time. He calls me beautiful and because of him I've never felt more beautiful. I love the way he sees me. I could go on and on about his great endearing qualities. But this blog post has to end soon and I'd still be writing lol.

Day 22: I See Red When...

Racism. Plain and simple. I literally see red when it comes to this issue. In 2010, to prejudge someone by the color of their skin is just ignorant. I base my judgement of folks on their actions and their words. Black, white, yellow, brown, purple alike. I like who I like. Color has never played a part in how I chose my friends and it never will. Nor will I ever let race play a part in who I align myself with. I am more than this brown skin. I am more than the box I check next to African-American. I am more than my Black pride. I am not my race nor whatever a racist will call me. I am not a negro, I am not an African-American, I am not Black. I am a human being, first, last and foremost. I am me. See me for the woman that I am inside. Hell, get to know before you decide you hate me. I promise you won't hate me. Love me? Probably. Like me? Definitely. Hate me? Doubtful. It would be silly of me to believe that just because President Barack Obama was elected into office, that racism would be erased. I know we still have a long way to go. but, I think we should be further along than we are as a nation. Time for a change is def now.

24 Questions

01 — A newly discovered song - Algebra's "At This Time"

02 — A movie you want to see - "Takers"

03 — A t.v. show you watch too much - It's a tie between "The Wire" & "Sex & the City"

04 — A good book - "Platinum" by Aliya S. King

05 — Quote of the Day - "Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are."

06 - What's on your mind right now - Sex with him.

07 — Something random - I don't like haunted houses.

08 — A fictional book - Sister Soulja's "The Coldest Winter Ever"

09 — A non-fictional book - "The Autobiography of Malcolm X"

10— Something that is currently over-rated - The Kardashian fam.

11 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly) - Sam Cooke's "A Change Is Gonna Come"

12 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.) - Frida Kahlo's "The Two Frida's"

13 — Your day, in 1 word - Cool.

14 — Your week, in 1 word - Beginning.

15 — This month, in 1 word - Intriguing.

16 — This year, in 2 words - Quite amazing.

17 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days - To live & love every moment.

18 — Something random - Spa pedicures are awesome!

19 — A talent of yours - I write poetry.

20 — A hobby of yours - I read...alot.

21 — A pair of shoes - Christian Louboutin's

22 — A website - katchkenda.tumblr.com

23 — A favorite of yours - Chili's Strawberry Lemonade

24 - One more random thought - I need a vacation really.

Day 21: At This Moment

I'm on the cusp of something that could be great for me. I'm ready to make a huge move in my life. I wanna give up everything that is familiar to me for everything that is def foreign to me. I need this moment to be monumental. It's time for a big change. And, I'm more than ready. I'm also scared to death as well. But, fear and excitement are two sides of the same coin. And, I'm tossing it. I'm standing on the edge of my old life while my new life is within my grasp. I just have to jump. Eyes wide open, I'm taking this huge leap of faith. *fingers crossed* Wish me luck!!!

Day 20: August 2010

August has been a mixture of extreme heat, unpredictable rain, work, family and laughter. I live in New Orleans and summer time is always hot. This August has been no better. There have been hurricane scares, a tropical depression #5 that wouldn't quit and a ridiculous amount of new founded information. The month of August has been incredibly, surprisingly good to me. I have no real complaints.

Drunk Mind = Sober Thoughts?!?

So I'm in the bed typing this after celebrating my brother's 25th birthday tonight. I've been drinking (shout out to Ciroc) but I'm not drunk. I feel the need to call one specific person & let him into my soul for a while. I'm a tad bit tipsy & I'm sure I'm rambling. But, I'm wondering if the old addage is true. Does a drunk mind speak a sober heart? Like why is it that I wanna confess some things to him right now? My saving grace is the fact that he didn't answer when I called & this blog. I'm blaming it all on the Ciroc. That has to be the cause. I actually learned a long time ago that when I drink alot, I shouldn't talk alot. I'm laying in bed wishing I was next to him there instead of here. Wishing I had the courage to leap without looking. Hell, right now, I just wanna hear his voice. *le sigh* Maybe I am drunk. Maybe I should stop blogging and start sleeping this Ciroc off. *lol* Idk. *Kanye shrug* Hopefully, I'll see him in my dreams.

What Number Are You?

You Are 5: The Investigator

You're independent - and a logical analytical thinker. You love learning and ideas... and know things no one else does. Bored by small talk, you refuse to participate in boring conversations. You are open minded. A visionary. You understand the world and may change it. At Your Best: You are sharp, inventive, and creative. You have the skills to lead the world. At Your Worst: You are reclusive, weird, and a bit paranoid. Your Fixation: Greed Your Primary Fear: Being useless or incompetent Your Primary Desire: Being competent and needed Other Number 5's: Bill Gates, John Lennon, Kurt Cobain, Bjork, and Stephen Hawking.

What Number Are You?

I totally disagree with the greed, paranoid attributes. But, every thing else is prettty on point.

Day 19: Regrets

My biggest regret still weighs heavy on my heart. I regret not going home the weekend of September 18, 1998. this would be the last weekend my Dad was alive. I changed my mind about leaving college to go home for the weekend at the last moment because I had a paper to write. I didn't talk to my Dad at all that weekend. And, by early the following Wednesday (Sept. 23), my dad was dead. I never got the chance to say goodbye. That still makes me so sad. I miss his voce and his laugh. We didn't always have the best relationship but he was still my Daddy and I was his firstborn baby girl.

Randomization

"I swear I'm so freaking random that it's funny." - Me

* I just finished reading Aliya S. King's first novel "Platinum" and it was awesome. I cannot wait to read the follow up "Diamond Life" next year. I have to support great writers.

* I'm so over this rain that has become a daily occurrence in the N. O. It's not even cute anymore.

* I'm having a love/hate relationship with my Palm Pre and Sprint. I really love Sprint but lately they have been giving me the blues. The Pre's service has been sh-t since HP purchased the company. I want an Evo. I can upgrade next month I do believe. I'm not gonna switch cell providers though. I'm a loyal Sprint customer!

* I'm addicted to this cheap blue nail polish I copped. It's by NYC & it's called "Empire State of Mind" and its so adorable.

* I find it ironic that I found what I didn't even know I needed.

* Reading the Bible is giving me so much peace I never knew I needed. It's helping me curb my anger towards certain people.

* I hate to ever feel unsure about things. I like to be settled in my feelings. Uncertainty is not my cup of tea.

*Thinks its wonderful that a person has walked into my life by accident but has plans to stay on purpose.

* My musical random thoughts: Dondria's cd "Dondria vs Phatfffat is a cute little R&B cd. "Believer" & "Where Did We Go Wrong?" are my favorite tracks so far. Fantasia's "Back To Me" is nice as well. I hate that I love her song "Collard Greens and Cornbread" lol. Mayer Hawthorn has a voice that is a bonafide throwback to the heyday of Motown record's. Every time I hear his "I Need You," I feel it deep in my soul.

* I feel like I'm falling. This is insane.

Day 18: My Favorite Birthday

My favorite birthday would have to be my 21st. My birthday is December 14th and it was really cold. I had a family party with cake and ice cream. Which was an event all its own. My friends and I celebrated at Harrah's casino. I used my birthday money to gamble and I won a few dollars. We had some drinks and ate at the buffet. We clowned all night. We didn't make it home til the sun came up. The night was literally amazing. Great way to bring in the official adult birthday.

Day 17: My Favorite Memory

Choosing my favorite memory was a hard one. It was summer 2003 on a warm summer August night in New Orleans. My friends and I were gathered at this little dive bar in the city to wish our girl farewell. She was moving to another city for a job. The drinks were flowing and the music was blasting. The entire group was enjoying the night. We then ended up @ the House of Blues for more music, drinking and dancing. Our night ended @ the Trolley Stop for breakfast. It was an incredible night. It was also the last night we spent with Shauna. I wouldn't go into that. But, this memory sticks out in my mind.

Day 16: Besos

I still remember it like it was yesterday. My first real kiss was with a guy I'll call TT. I was 13 & in the 9th grade. He & I had last period together. Our teacher was an old, disgruntled man who always put kids out of class on a daily. TT and I had been flirting up a storm since the beginning of the school year. There were stolen glances, passed love notes, and hands being held while walking home. I was enamored with this guy. He was a tall chocolate colored guy with a smile and dimples to die for. He was older than me.

On this particular Wednesday, TT & I were the two exiled students. He & I roamed the upstairs corridor of our school laughing and talking. I felt butterflies whenever I was near him. He stopped walking and grabbed me into a big hug. This guy smelled incredible. Just like Cool Waters. He caressed my face and said to me "Baby girl, I really wanna kiss you." I just nodded in agreement. His lips touched mine and I felt it down to my toes. I closed my eyes to savor the moment. My first kiss!!! OMG!! His hands pulled me closer to him. His whole essence engulfed me. We kissed for what seemed liked hours. My hands were wrapped around his neck and I kept running my fingers over his earlobes. I knew he like that. This was it. After all the months of flirting with this boy, it had paid off. He went from kissing me to kissing my neck to kissing my lips again. When we finally finished kissing, he looked at me and smiled. He said "I knew your lips would be that sweet, baby girl." (yes, the brother was smooth as hell @ 15!!) I have to say I had a perfect real first kiss. And, I am thankful for it.

Day 15: Dreaming

My dreams today included:

* I want to write a book that people revel in.
* I'm ready to make a huge move. I need to change my physical location soon.
* I want to be a better me.
* I want to travel...island hop.
* I want to get married and have kids.

Single...but Taken?!?

"I'm single but my heart is taken....single doesn't mean available." ~ Klodya Daoud

I just read this quotes on Twitter via @iheartquotes. I've never looked at this situation in this manner. But, the quote is absolutely true. Just because you aren't in a relationship doesn't automatically mean that you are available. When you're carrying someone in your heart, can you ever really have room for someone new? And, furthermore, is it even fair to the new person to let them into your life when you know you're not available to allow them in your heart? Love is crazy. And, the heart always wants what the heart wants. There is no denying love. You can try but it never really works out. No matter if the person occupying your heart is an ex, someone you fancy or the one you can't get it right with, it doesn't leave any extra room for another person. I've def "been here & done that." I think we all have. I know I'm not alone in this assessment. Maybe that is why this quote really stood out to me.

Day 14: What I Wore *Yesterday*

On Sunday, I wore a dress. A cute & simple A-line cotton dress. It's blue, black, teal and white stripes. I wore some flat metallic sandals, silver hoops, multiple silver bangles, and a cute silver ring that I love. Simple and cute. I love the way it fits me. It's comfortable.

Day 13: This week

This week was long, hot, rainy, fun and informative. Glad it's over and that I made it to the weekend. It has rained literally every day this week. I mean, not just a simple sprinkle but the torrential downpour. And, after the rain comes the heat. Seriously, it feels like hell in the N.O. right now. This week wasn't full of surprises which is always awesome. Just a very normal by the book week for me. I am grateful for that!

Letting Go & Giving In: The Battle of Heart Versus Head

In essence, we are all looking for, seeking, searching for love in some way, shape, or force. It is what we are here for. But, if you've been hurt before, giving in to love is a hard mountain to climb. Once you've learned to protect yourself from being hurt, that defense mechanism turns on automatically. I've been hurt before by someone who claimed to love me. The aftermath of that was dreadful. Because of it, I've broken a few hearts as well. I feel awful about that. So, letting go of past hurt and giving into the possibility of a new love is absolutely frightening to me.

I'm a strong chick. This much I know to be true. I'm afraid to fail @love again. Afraid that being hurt again would be harder than the last time. I'm always in my own head contemplating every possible scenario. I'm not sure how I would pick myself back up again. It took everything out of me to mend my broken heart. I know now that I'm a better woman for making it through that situation. I also know what love really is and isn't now. So, I'm thankful for the heartbreak.

Giving into what the heart wants sounds so easy. And, truthfully, it should be. Love is simple. We complicate it. Hell, I def over think it instead of just allowing myself to feel it and be in it for the moment. With age comes wisdom if you're lucky. I count myself in that group. I'm more open to letting go and giving in. I need to feel again. I can't do it by myself. I'm not searching for a man to complete me. I'm already whole. Instead, I need a companion. The ying to my yang. The one other soul on this planet who just gets me, accepts me for the woman that I am & who just simply loves me.


"I don't know why your heart doesn't do what you tell it to." - Sidney Shaw "Brown Sugar"