Statistically Speaking

As far back as I can remember, I never wanted to be grouped with the majority. I never wanted to be a statistic. It's the reason I was a virgin all through high school. I didn't want to be a teenage mother. More specifically, I did not want to be a Black teen mom. There were too many of them around me. I wanted more, desired more. College was always in my future because I knew the world was bigger than my neighborhood. I wanted more than just a high school diploma. Education was a drug to me. I craved it.

For years, I wanted to be the opposite of what society said I should and could only be. I'm ok with that. I know who I am. I do believe that my intelligence  is one of my greatest traits. But, it has more to do with things I've taught myself. I value knowledge and the people who are always on the hunt for more. In my pursuit to be the anti-version of Black women splashed all over reality shows and the like, I realized something significant. I've been running away from some specific statistics that I've unwittingly landed in another one: I'm 30+, single, never been married, childless, Black woman. I'm suddenly a damn statistic! And, clearly, I'm not happy about it.

I'm days away from my 34th birthday. I'm depressed about this approaching age. Why? Because none of the dreams I had for 34 have come to fruition. The entire theme for this year can be summed up on one word: adrift. It's the only way to describe it. The realization that I am a statistic makes me sad. It makes me average, like everyone else. That is something I've never been comfortable with. Maybe there is a plan for me to not be trapped in this particular statistic. Who knows? But, I do find the irony in this entire blog. Sometimes I believe that my own worst enemy is no further than the reflection in the mirror. Anyway, these are just my thoughts.

Condoms in a Marriage??

I was reading a discussion on Facebook where a rather odd question was posed. Condoms while married: Yay or Nay? I say it's odd because why would I want my husband to use a condom? We're married in this scenario, right? If you've spent you're sexual life being safe and protected, one of the rewards of marriage is not having to do that. I didn't plan on using condoms AFTER marriage. It's just not an option or even a thought.

The second part of the discussion was about making a unilateral decision about NOT having kids. I know that having children isn't for everyone. And, if someone has decided that they fall into this category, then I applaud them. But, to be married and make that final decision without any discussion with your mate is beyond selfish and just wrong. I know I wouldn't marry a man who didn't want kids because I do. I couldn't sacrifice that for any one. It's what I want. I also wouldn't be with someone that I have to force into anything. The decision to have children is serious and life changing. It's not a fly by night decision.

I found the question ridiculous on many levels. As well as the reasoning behind it. I just couldn't believe it when I read it. Condoms in a marriage are no bueno for me. When it comes to birth control once I'm married, I will pop a pill. I will take responsibility for that. I think that would be the easiest, most efficient thing. The discussion about children would happen way before marriage became a topic. I guess I'm just wired differently. Things work out another way in my head. This discussion was very odd to me as well as other folks. They seemed to are with me. What say you? Yay or nay to condoms in a marriage. Let's dish people!

Marital Advice

I read this article a few months ago. It was recently brought to my attention again via Facebook. I didn't like it then, still don't like it now. This article comes off as very demeaning to single women. I don't think I took it personal because I am unmarried. I don't believe in every thing I read. Besides, in the last year, I've read too many articles about how Black women aren't attractive or how no one wants to marry Black women. All of those articles are pure bs to me. I will never let society decide how I see myself and other Black women. We, in general, are a lot of things. Most of them are awesomeness personified. The world can dump on Black women all they want. We have a history and culture that is so unique and distinct that no one can chop us down. We are the mother of all civilization. You cannot talk down to that.

Getting back to that article. It's written by a Black woman. That's my first issue with it. Black women spend too much time downplaying other Black women. That needs to stop asap. If we don't respect each other, no one else will. This author has been married and divorced THREE times. So yes, that makes her an expert on how to get married. But she's also an expert on how not to stay married. So why would I take her advice? Like really? And, the article isn't written from the viewpoint of "don't follow in my footsteps" or "here's what not to do if you want to get married." Tracy writes from the view of "you're a desperate bitch and that's why you are single." Constructive criticism it is not. I can't even begin to take this faulty advice from her.

I don't like preachy articles. Or ones that tell me how I should be or how I should act to get/keep/marry a man. There is a whole industry dedicated to single women who want to be married. I've never been big on those self help books. For many years, I never even wanted to be married. I wasn't looking for happily ever after. I was young, having fun and enjoying my 20's. I read "He's Just Not That Into You" at the nail shop one day. It was hilarious to me. It was filled with the most common sense things. Things I did not need to read to know. But, it made millons as a book and even more as a movie. Why? Because some women need instructions. I'm not in that category. I do not believe that my life will be defined by if I do or don't get married or if I do or don't have kids. These are things I want now as a woman in her early 30's. But, I also know that I define me.

I know I can be very opinionated. For as far back as I can remember, I was taught to speak my mind. That has never been a problem for me. I value my opinion more than any one else's. It's never failed me before. I'm hardest on myself because of what I think of me. It makes me a better person, writer, and woman. Maybe others took Tracy's article in a different way. Maybe I took it to literal. All I know is that both times I read it, my reaction was the same. Utter disgust. I wasn't impressed at all. I don't think it's helpful or nice. But that could just be me and my beliefs. What do you guys think? Let me know.

Let's Discuss "Grey's Anatomy's" Cristina Yang

For some strange reasons, I love medical dramas. I was an avid fan of "ER" from the beginning to end. The same goes for "Grey's Anatomy." Well, except the season after they fired Isiah Washington for something so dumb. From inception, I have not been a big fan of the character Cristina Yang. She is an odd woman to me. I have never agreed with her actions or the reckless things she always says. She just isn't a lovable character. I tolerate her. Barely. She is portrayed as very cold, and stoic. She only seems to warm up to Meredith Grey and her husband Owen. In general, she is a great doctor but not so much a great person.

Thursday night's season premiere was full of many shocking moments. Before I get into them, let's talk background information for a minute. Cristina has had two great love stories. One ended when her fiance' left her at the alter. The second one is ongoing. She married another brilliant surgeon. Their relationship and marriage is very unorthodox and strange. There were many reasons as to why these two individuals should not have gotten married. but alas, they did. Trouble followed closely behind the "I do's." Cristina has never wanted kids. She got pregnant by her first boyfriend. She scheduled an abortion without telling him. She ending up not having the abortion but only because she had a tubal pregnancy. She lost the baby.



Cut to the end of last season, this married, brilliant doctor got pregnant by her husband. Two great doctors who are married and have different ideas about kids did not take any precautions to prevent pregnancy. What? Seriously people?? The two of them should be better at preventative measures. They weren't. Cristina found out she was pregnant on last season's finale. Her husband Owen was over the moon happy. She was clearly not. She proclaimed, without an discussion, that she was having an abortion. She did not give him a choice. She made a decision without any thought. How freaking selfish?? I cannot believe that a grown woman who has already had an unplanned pregnancy would allow herself to end up in the same predicament. And, that she would make the same choice to end it. Owen finally gave in and went with her to have the procedure done. I do not like this storyline.

I am disgusted with the way all of this has played out so far. I do not believe in abortions. Well, let me say that for myself I am 100% Pro-Life. That has always been my stance. I'm sure my Mom has a lot to do with that. Since before I was sexually active, she made sure I knew all of my options. She also let me know that abortion wasn't one of them. I respected her for having such strong convictions on the subject. For everyone else, I am Pro-Choice. I believe in what I believe in. I respect other's beliefs as well. I just don't want anyone pushing their agenda and beliefs on me. I am a 31 year old woman. I am pretty sure my mind is set on many things.

The Cristina/Owen storyline is just unrealistic to me. Having children is a big ticket idea when discussing marriage. It is essentially a deal breaker. I know I could not marry a man who didn't want to have kids because I definitely do. It's one thing I will not budge on. I also wouldn't want to talk a man into having kids. That would not end well. I guess I'm just really surprised the writers went in that direction. I also cannot wait to see what the fallout from this decision will be. I am positive it will be the breaking point of their marriage. When you want to have kids, it is not something that you can suppress for long. I will be watching to see what develops.

Giving Up The "ME" For The "WE"

I was discussing my previous post with Kristopher. The discussion prompted some great follow up questions. He posed a few questions. We talk all the time about the future and our thoughts on things. I just felt like this was a great follow up to yesterday's blog.

1) "Do you think that you have to give up independence once you're married?
-- I think that both people give up some of their independence once they get married. You have to. You have to give up some of your selfishness and think about your union. I also think that the reward is worth that sacrifice.

2) "Can we have independence in our marriage? Give examples."
-- I believe that some independence shall remain. I think both of us still need time for ourselves as well as our friends. We should both be able to exist outside of our marriage. Some independence is given up and replaced by a little bit of codependency. We believe that it's the give and take of what we perceive marriage to be.

3) "If he was taking care of the finances, would I have a problem handing my check to him?"
-- I wouldn't. I trust that he wouldn't use it to control me. He is great with numbers and finance. So why wouldn't I deferred that to him? This is his area of expertise so I wouldn't deprive him of it. I just want to be kept abreast of what's going out of the house & what's in the account.

4) "If I was the only one working & he stayed home & took care of the kids, would I still feel the same about giving him my whole paycheck and letting him handle the finances?"
-- Yes, I would. But it's not because he's a man. Finances & math are both his field. I know that he would have a better understanding of things...like what's the right percent interest and things of that nature. I would just feel more comfortable with him handling it.

5) "Would I feel he was still playing his role if he was a stay @ home Dad? We're both really traditional in thoughts, so would that bother you? And would it effect the structure of co-dependancy we think relationships should be based on?"
-- The reality is that stay @ home Dads are sort of a new normal. If it was more beneficial for me to work & him to stay home then no, I don't think it would bother me. I don't think it would affect that structure. Because our foundation would still be the same. He would still be the head of the household...regardless of where he work. Of course, he would still be playing his role. Being a stay @ home Dad is a job. It's all the time, no time off, and often thankless. Trust me it's a job. We are very traditional but I believe also very flexible as well.

I love discussing things like this with him. It's so interesting to realize how much we have in common. Our morals and values line up on the little as well as the large things. I think that's a great thing. Giving up the "me" for the "we" is what this whole blog is about. The independent woman can change and grow. It's totally possible.

Cinderella Complex

I had an epiphany while watching "Say Yes To The Dress" tonight. For years, I've been oddly addicted to all of these weddings reality shows. I cannot count the hours I've spent watching "Bridezilla," "Four Weddings," and that David Tutera show amongst other shows. What's my intense fascination with the shows? Where does it stem from? My epiphany brought me back to childhood. Disney movies filled with princesses, weddings, and the promise of happily ever after. Barbie dolls who are married to Ken dolls who have it all. From birth it seem that little girls are bombarded with images of matrimony and weddings. But are we sending the girls the right message?

As a little girl, I was a Barbie fanatic. I was enamored with her, Ken and all their accessories. I loved the fairytales of Cinderella, Snow White and Belle. Their stories were so far removed from my reality. But, I wanted what they had, what my parents failed to obtain. As an adult looking back, I don't think I like the fallacy I was fed. All of the fairytales that I loved involved a man saving or coming to the rescue of a woman. This was always followed by a grand wedding and the obligatory "and they lived happily ever after" ending. This portrayal of women comes off as sexist and demeaning. This is what we are feeding our girls.

I had a very interesting conversation with my adorable 4 year old niece Karmen. She came into the house and gave me flowers. She said "Here, Teedy Kenda, these are for you to walk down the aisle with." The look on my face was priceless. I replied "Karmen, what are you talking about?" She said "You know for your wedding and my Daddy is gonna give you away." I was shocked because she's 4. I don't talk to her about weddings and things. But she's a very girly girl. She loves princess stories. Even at the age of 4, she knows about weddings. This is also the same niece who wanted to know why I didn't have a husband because she wants an uncle. Crazy right?

There's absolutely nothing wrong with a girl wanting the wedding and happily ever after. Because after years of rejecting anything that resembles that, I've had a complete change of heart on the topic. Maybe it's an age thing or a biological clock issue or maybe I'm finally just listening to my hearts true desires. Either way, I feel like I've come full circle on the subject. I just think we should let them know that they can have the career as well or as another option. Every woman's story doesn't end with a husband, kids, house and a dog. It's 2011 and we can have whatever we want. Hell, according to Beyonce', we run the world :) Fairytales are fine and fun. I prefer the reality of getting my own version of happily ever after.

Public Proposals: Yes or No?

Proposals are a very special thing. This public proposal has gone viral. It is just about the worst response one would like to get. This video has caused me to think about some things. If you are at the marriage level in your relationship, shouldn't you know what the answer would be before hand? I cannot even imagine being proposed to when I wasn't in love. I hate to hurt someone's feelings. But I will not accept a public marriage proposal just to save some man a little bit of embarrassment. Marriage is a big deal. It's so important to me that I only plan on doing it once.

It is clear to me from the look on this woman's face that she was not feeling it. She never once smiled or radiated happiness about the proposal. She didn't seem impressed with being serenaded. And at the 2:50 mark, you can read her lips. She clearly says "You can't fix this like this." To me, that signifies that there are huge cracks in this relationship. A proposal does not wipe out any past indiscretions or past hurts. Her reaction is classic. I remember being at a party where a friend proposef to his girl. Her response was so weird and uncomfortable. After asking us what should she say and asking if the ring was real, she finally said yes. I was so sad for him. I foresaw a life of problems for him. The wedding never happened. None of us were surprised by that. Her response to his public proposal said it all.

This is why couples should discuss something as huge as marriage. I am 100% against a public proposal. I think the moment should only be about him and I. I'm not a flashy, need to be the center of attention, all eyes on me type of chick. I prefer intimacy. I would never be ok with that type of spotlight being cast on me. I'm sure the guy in the video is embarrassed as is the woman. But, he has to know what her response would be. I'm looking forward to my marriage. The proposal, the planning, the wedding and reception are all just stops along the way. What's your take on public proposals? Are they for you? Did you have one or do you want one?

Typecasting Per Se?!?

Do you have a type? Are you conscious of it? I was randomly having a conversation with an associate about types. People always make a big deal about types. One likes what one likes, I suppose. I said I didn't have one really. She said she def did and that her husband was def not it. This kinda surprised me for a few reasons. they have one of the best relationships I've ever witnessed. They are best friends. But, then she responded to my look of disbelief with this golden nugget "when I met him, I realized that the reason no other relationship worked was because my type was no good for me and this man was just right for me." That one sentence put some things in perspective.

That led me to this question. Is not having a type qualified as a type? Could you possibly fall in love with someone who didn't fit into the box entitled "your type?" I think that sometimes we box ourselves into a certain box and it makes it hard for us to climb up out of it. I also began to wonder about how one begins to learn what their type is. I like chocolate men. There are really no other factors that connect my ex beau's. I've never been moved by any one else. I know that I've been that way since my first crush on Ralph Tresvant of New Edition fame. And, even then, no one could tell that there was anything cuter than a brown skinned boy. I can apreciate the handsomeness of men in general. But, I fancy what/whom I fancy.

I'm certain that I don't really have a type. But I've also noticed that the older I get, the more my outlook changes. They say with age comes wisdom. And, I def have to agree with that. I've changed a lot since entering my 30's. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But, I realize that I have to look past what is evident and see what isn't as evident in a man. It's less physical beauty and clearly more inner beauty. Now don't get me wrong, my eyes have to be interested in the man. But, intelligence is number one on my list. A sense of humor, a great sense of self, love for family, spiritual, are on my list as well. That describes my non-type to a "T." Maybe stepping outside of one's proverbial box could put us all on the path to our destiny.

Traditions

I have no problem admitting that I am very traditional when it comes to certain things. Yes, I'm an independent woman who has no issue going get things for myself. But, I am not who adheres to the new age adage that "I don't need a man." That's bogus and stupid on so many levels. Humans were created as a pair. A partner who was made to complement you. So, in essence, I don't need a man. But, I want one to finish this ride with me.

I will say that up until a few years ago, I was totally anti-baby, anti-marriage. I def didn't have a great view of marriages growing up. I didn't think that any of it was for me. But, somewhere along the line, a lightbulb came on. I realized that I wanted all of these seemingly traditional things because they fit me. I've been the mother of my group since birth essentially. I nuture, I take care of, I handle things, it's who I am.

My Great Grandmother, Frances, has instilled some traditions deep into my head. She was very big on little girls acting like ladies, especially in public. I carry that with me. She also told me to make sure I always keep something just for myself until I meet the one for me. I clearly remember these talks she & I would have sitting at her kitchen table drinking cafe con leche. Well, she would drink coffee and I would drink milk w/a teaspoon of coffee mixed in. These talks help define me. I'm sure she is the reason why I feel so strongly about roles, traditions and values. Even in all my independence, I know the woman that I am. I'm ok with that.